Saturday, March 12, 2016
Friday, June 17, 2011
Therapy
Geez, these blog posts keep getting further and further apart! This "Journey to a Healthier Me" has been much different than I thought it would be, taking different paths that were not on my "planned" route. I honestly started this process thinking primarily of changing my physical health by losing weight. I knew that dealing with this food addiction would involve facing my feelings and making changes in my mental and spiritual health, but I thought that I would be able to do that by losing weight. Instead I have learned that the opposite is true. That I need to first change my mental and spiritual health, and that will help me to be able to let go and lose the weight.
This journey has led me to a place that I have been avoiding for a while... therapy! I don't even know exactly why I have avoided therapy. I mean I have my degree in Mental Health Social Work, and whole-heartedly believe in the process... for other people.
One of the reasons I have become so unhealthy in so many areas of my life is because of avoidance. I have avoided feeling any uncomfortable feelings for years now. I have done this by eating to numb feelings. I have done this by avoiding situations where I would feel uncomfortable. By doing so, I have made myself physically unhealthy with too much food, I have let my anxiety and stress snowball out of control, and I have missed out on some great experiences.
I have come to the realization that I can't avoid things anymore. I took a break from blogging, even avoiding blogging, because it started to get uncomfortable to share my feelings. But if I am going to be genuine about this journey and about what it will take to get to the healthier me, I must stop avoiding. So, after a few really bad weeks in a row, I made an appointment with a therapist.
I have been going weekly for about a month now and I can already see changes in myself. At first it made the food thing harder because I was starting to eat again to numb the feelings that were being brought up in my sessions and throughout the weeks. But I have pulled myself back in with that part and learning all over again, that it is easier to maintain an abstinence from overeating than is is to get it back after losing it.
I am learning a lot about myself and about relationships. I am now accepting the fact that I am codependent and that I need to make some major changes in my life. I have to spend much less time consumed with other people's problems, needs, wants and desires and focus on my own. I need to continue to heal and to break these chains that have held me back for so long... Even if it means experiencing and feeling things that make me uncomfortable.
This journey has led me to a place that I have been avoiding for a while... therapy! I don't even know exactly why I have avoided therapy. I mean I have my degree in Mental Health Social Work, and whole-heartedly believe in the process... for other people.
One of the reasons I have become so unhealthy in so many areas of my life is because of avoidance. I have avoided feeling any uncomfortable feelings for years now. I have done this by eating to numb feelings. I have done this by avoiding situations where I would feel uncomfortable. By doing so, I have made myself physically unhealthy with too much food, I have let my anxiety and stress snowball out of control, and I have missed out on some great experiences.
I have come to the realization that I can't avoid things anymore. I took a break from blogging, even avoiding blogging, because it started to get uncomfortable to share my feelings. But if I am going to be genuine about this journey and about what it will take to get to the healthier me, I must stop avoiding. So, after a few really bad weeks in a row, I made an appointment with a therapist.
I have been going weekly for about a month now and I can already see changes in myself. At first it made the food thing harder because I was starting to eat again to numb the feelings that were being brought up in my sessions and throughout the weeks. But I have pulled myself back in with that part and learning all over again, that it is easier to maintain an abstinence from overeating than is is to get it back after losing it.
I am learning a lot about myself and about relationships. I am now accepting the fact that I am codependent and that I need to make some major changes in my life. I have to spend much less time consumed with other people's problems, needs, wants and desires and focus on my own. I need to continue to heal and to break these chains that have held me back for so long... Even if it means experiencing and feeling things that make me uncomfortable.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Mothers Day
I have had a lot of people reaching out to me, checking in to see how I am doing... I am so grateful that I have these people in my life. I have to be honest, I am still struggling. I am trying really hard to take care of myself, and I have had great days, BUT I have had some low days lately too. My depression has been bad for some reason. It happens EVERY May, I don't know why! I don't even think about it before it happens, so its not like I am waiting for my "May depression" to hit! My sister and I decided that April showers bring May depression! (I must also add that it was a record breaking rainfall for Pittsburgh this April.)
Anyways, I started this Mothers Day feeling guilty because I haven't felt like the best mom lately. I felt like I was not being a very good mom at all. When I get down like this it is hard to be there for my kids. It is hard to want to take care of their every need when I feel like I can barely take care of my own. So then I start with the beating myself up again. Feeling not good enough. Feeling like I am failing my children. Then the stupid anger starts, at myself only, but then I take it out on my kids. Just not being as patient as I could be. I HATE to hear myself talking to them when I am not being kind. A few times in the past month, I have felt so guilty after yelling that I have completely shut down, crying myself to sleep over it.
So when Mother's Day rolled around this year, I was not feeling very positive. I prayed hard when I fell asleep last night that I would have a peaceful day with my children. I prayed that I would enjoy my time with them and appreciate every moment. I didn't want gifts or cards telling me how great I was.
So instead of waking up to cheesy cards, breakfast in bed, and the hanging baskets that I have gotten every year, we slept in. ALL of us. We took our time getting out the door with NO big fan fare about me being Mommy of the year. On our way to my parents house, my son gave my a tea pot picture that they made in the second grade. The poem on it read, "I will try my best in every way to be extra sweet on Mother's Day. But if you become upset with me, please relax and have a cup of tea." It was so simple, but perfect, AND it reminded me that ALL mothers get frustrated with their kids sometimes. I told myself right then and there to QUIT being so hard on myself.
Then my husband handed me a card while he was driving. I rolled my eyes at him and got nervous about the mushy "perfect mommy" card that I knew was inside the big white envelope. I didn't even say a word and he said, "Just open it, its not what you think, Maddie picked it out." My four year old picked it out by herself. On the front was a picture of a cute little skunk and it said "Mom, I know I am a stinker, but you gotta admit, I'm a lovable stinker." Again, perfect, and just what I needed to hear. Then my husband handed me a CD. It was Pink's greatest hits.
I mentioned before Christmas that I wanted some new CD's, but was surprised he thought of that for Mother's Day. He isn't exactly great with words. He has continued to be my rock and super supportive, picking up the slack and being and AMAZING Daddy while Mommy has been 'sad'... But he doesn't always know what to say to me when I am beating myself up and crying myself to sleep. There are only so many times he can say the same things over and over again, so he doesn't say much. He just says that he loves me and we will get through this. So when he gave me this Mothers Day gift, he said "the last song is for you and you need to love yourself more, because to us, you are perfect." Then he said, "you just can't listen to it very loud right now with the kids in the car."
The song is called Fuckin Perfect, and these are the lyrics:
Made a wrong turn, once or twice.
Dug my way out, blood and fire.
Bad decisions, that's alright.
Welcome to my silly life.
Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood.
Miss 'No way, it's all good', it didn't slow me down.
Mistaken, always second guessing, underestimated.
Look, I'm still around.
Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than fuckin' perfect.
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel like you're nothing,
You're fuckin' perfect to me
You're so mean when you talk about yourself; you were wrong.
Change the voices in your head; make them like you instead.
So complicated, look happy, you'll make it
Filled with so much hatred, such a tired game.
It's enough; I've done all I can think of.
Chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same.
Woah ohh, pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than fuckin' perfect.
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel like you're nothing,
You're fuckin' perfect to me.
So it was a very different Mothers Day, but it turned out to be pretty fuckin perfect!
Anyways, I started this Mothers Day feeling guilty because I haven't felt like the best mom lately. I felt like I was not being a very good mom at all. When I get down like this it is hard to be there for my kids. It is hard to want to take care of their every need when I feel like I can barely take care of my own. So then I start with the beating myself up again. Feeling not good enough. Feeling like I am failing my children. Then the stupid anger starts, at myself only, but then I take it out on my kids. Just not being as patient as I could be. I HATE to hear myself talking to them when I am not being kind. A few times in the past month, I have felt so guilty after yelling that I have completely shut down, crying myself to sleep over it.
So when Mother's Day rolled around this year, I was not feeling very positive. I prayed hard when I fell asleep last night that I would have a peaceful day with my children. I prayed that I would enjoy my time with them and appreciate every moment. I didn't want gifts or cards telling me how great I was.
So instead of waking up to cheesy cards, breakfast in bed, and the hanging baskets that I have gotten every year, we slept in. ALL of us. We took our time getting out the door with NO big fan fare about me being Mommy of the year. On our way to my parents house, my son gave my a tea pot picture that they made in the second grade. The poem on it read, "I will try my best in every way to be extra sweet on Mother's Day. But if you become upset with me, please relax and have a cup of tea." It was so simple, but perfect, AND it reminded me that ALL mothers get frustrated with their kids sometimes. I told myself right then and there to QUIT being so hard on myself.
Then my husband handed me a card while he was driving. I rolled my eyes at him and got nervous about the mushy "perfect mommy" card that I knew was inside the big white envelope. I didn't even say a word and he said, "Just open it, its not what you think, Maddie picked it out." My four year old picked it out by herself. On the front was a picture of a cute little skunk and it said "Mom, I know I am a stinker, but you gotta admit, I'm a lovable stinker." Again, perfect, and just what I needed to hear. Then my husband handed me a CD. It was Pink's greatest hits.
I mentioned before Christmas that I wanted some new CD's, but was surprised he thought of that for Mother's Day. He isn't exactly great with words. He has continued to be my rock and super supportive, picking up the slack and being and AMAZING Daddy while Mommy has been 'sad'... But he doesn't always know what to say to me when I am beating myself up and crying myself to sleep. There are only so many times he can say the same things over and over again, so he doesn't say much. He just says that he loves me and we will get through this. So when he gave me this Mothers Day gift, he said "the last song is for you and you need to love yourself more, because to us, you are perfect." Then he said, "you just can't listen to it very loud right now with the kids in the car."
The song is called Fuckin Perfect, and these are the lyrics:
Made a wrong turn, once or twice.
Dug my way out, blood and fire.
Bad decisions, that's alright.
Welcome to my silly life.
Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood.
Miss 'No way, it's all good', it didn't slow me down.
Mistaken, always second guessing, underestimated.
Look, I'm still around.
Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than fuckin' perfect.
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel like you're nothing,
You're fuckin' perfect to me
You're so mean when you talk about yourself; you were wrong.
Change the voices in your head; make them like you instead.
So complicated, look happy, you'll make it
Filled with so much hatred, such a tired game.
It's enough; I've done all I can think of.
Chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same.
Woah ohh, pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than fuckin' perfect.
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel like you're nothing,
You're fuckin' perfect to me.
So it was a very different Mothers Day, but it turned out to be pretty fuckin perfect!
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
I have never been very good at taking care of myself. I am ashamed of it to some degree. Bathing, brushing my teeth, putting on make-up, washing my face, wearing nicer clothes, drinking water and choosing healthy foods; these things take a lot of effort for me. They have been at times overwhelming. I get exhausted sometimes when I think of these things. I feel lazy and I get a cloudy headed and tired feeling when I write all of this! I don't take care of my basic needs like I should and I honestly cannot remember a time when I did. I have never had a self-care routine that I have been able to stick to. My everyday life is very overwhelming to me and I HATE that.
I don't like myself very much. I need to figure out why. Until I can get to the root of this, I will never be able to move on with this journey. Discovering and working on this part of myself is the reason why I have been feeling stuck. It is the main reason I have not been blogging. Admitting and letting go of my self resentments is very hard to do. It is hard enough to be in this place and admit it to myself, let alone anyone else.
There are so many things that I don't like about myself and I am constantly mean to myself. My negative self talk takes up the majority of my day and my thoughts. I never realized just how MUCH I talk to, and about myself, negatively until I am making a conscious effort to change it! I have honestly felt for years that I don't deserve my husband and my kids. That I don't deserve health and happiness. I have myself convinced that there is something so bad about myself that nobody would ever want to be a part of my life. I wish I could tell you why. This is what I am trying so hard to figure out.
So, I know that I have not been very good at keeping up with the blog, and I wanted to express why. When I started this thing, I told myself I would blog through the whole thing. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I didn't realize how hard it would be. But now I am being honest. While I continue to slip with some food decisions, I have still not given up on myself. Which means that I am making progress and that deep down, some part of me DOES believe that I deserve this change! So here's to loving me and embracing this process.
A dear friend e-mailed me this week to check in on me and see why I had not been blogging. At the end of her e-mail she included this quote:
"The road leading to a goal does not separate you from the destination; it is essentially a part of it." ~Charles DeLint
It reminded me that I cannot get to the end of this journey as a changed and better person if I don't go through the hard stuff.
I don't like myself very much. I need to figure out why. Until I can get to the root of this, I will never be able to move on with this journey. Discovering and working on this part of myself is the reason why I have been feeling stuck. It is the main reason I have not been blogging. Admitting and letting go of my self resentments is very hard to do. It is hard enough to be in this place and admit it to myself, let alone anyone else.
There are so many things that I don't like about myself and I am constantly mean to myself. My negative self talk takes up the majority of my day and my thoughts. I never realized just how MUCH I talk to, and about myself, negatively until I am making a conscious effort to change it! I have honestly felt for years that I don't deserve my husband and my kids. That I don't deserve health and happiness. I have myself convinced that there is something so bad about myself that nobody would ever want to be a part of my life. I wish I could tell you why. This is what I am trying so hard to figure out.
So, I know that I have not been very good at keeping up with the blog, and I wanted to express why. When I started this thing, I told myself I would blog through the whole thing. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I didn't realize how hard it would be. But now I am being honest. While I continue to slip with some food decisions, I have still not given up on myself. Which means that I am making progress and that deep down, some part of me DOES believe that I deserve this change! So here's to loving me and embracing this process.
A dear friend e-mailed me this week to check in on me and see why I had not been blogging. At the end of her e-mail she included this quote:
"The road leading to a goal does not separate you from the destination; it is essentially a part of it." ~Charles DeLint
It reminded me that I cannot get to the end of this journey as a changed and better person if I don't go through the hard stuff.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Emotional Weekend
This weekend was really hard for me. I don't know why it is harder right now as far as eating. I want to eat. Even if it is healthy food, I just want to eat. When I know that I can't, I get emotional. When I started this in September and quit all the "bad stuff" cold turkey, I didn't get upset like this. I didn't grieve the food like I am now.
After this last few weeks, it has been emotional for me to start over. My anxiety and depression are in overdrive. I think I still want it all to make "sense." I want it to just be easier. Why can something as stupid and trivial as a food decision, send me on a tailspin into anger and sadness!?! I was super irritable and quick tempered all weekend. Its like I held myself together all week when I had to, and then when hubby was home to help with the kids, I lost it.
Friday evening, I got upset because I wanted to eat something other than my planned healthy meal. I couldn't even eat with my family. I ate by myself and then retreated to my bedroom. I fell asleep at 7:30 and woke up twelve hours later. I never even stirred. I didn't even know what time it was when I woke up. My husband even slept in the guest room b/c I was sprawled out over our bed and was "passed out" as he put it. He knew I needed the sleep and didn't want to disturb me.
As the weekend went on, I got a little better. But I still felt sad and overwhelmed. I know that it is because I am not working the Recovery Program with the same commitment and intensity as I was in September. I am in the real "work" part of the steps still. Going back into uncomfortable parts of my past and who I am. Trying to heal the old pain that I have tried to cover with food. Figuring out what all of that is can be very overwhelming. Thus, the one day at a time mentality that is needed to succeed in any recovery program.
Sorry if this blog is all over the place. I have been scatterbrained lately too! In fact, that might have to be my next blog topic! So, for today, I am going to focus on my recovery. I am leaving now to take the dog for a walk in the sunshine and then I am going to get to a meeting! I am going to continue this journey one day at a time... But today is going to be a good day!
After this last few weeks, it has been emotional for me to start over. My anxiety and depression are in overdrive. I think I still want it all to make "sense." I want it to just be easier. Why can something as stupid and trivial as a food decision, send me on a tailspin into anger and sadness!?! I was super irritable and quick tempered all weekend. Its like I held myself together all week when I had to, and then when hubby was home to help with the kids, I lost it.
Friday evening, I got upset because I wanted to eat something other than my planned healthy meal. I couldn't even eat with my family. I ate by myself and then retreated to my bedroom. I fell asleep at 7:30 and woke up twelve hours later. I never even stirred. I didn't even know what time it was when I woke up. My husband even slept in the guest room b/c I was sprawled out over our bed and was "passed out" as he put it. He knew I needed the sleep and didn't want to disturb me.
As the weekend went on, I got a little better. But I still felt sad and overwhelmed. I know that it is because I am not working the Recovery Program with the same commitment and intensity as I was in September. I am in the real "work" part of the steps still. Going back into uncomfortable parts of my past and who I am. Trying to heal the old pain that I have tried to cover with food. Figuring out what all of that is can be very overwhelming. Thus, the one day at a time mentality that is needed to succeed in any recovery program.
Sorry if this blog is all over the place. I have been scatterbrained lately too! In fact, that might have to be my next blog topic! So, for today, I am going to focus on my recovery. I am leaving now to take the dog for a walk in the sunshine and then I am going to get to a meeting! I am going to continue this journey one day at a time... But today is going to be a good day!
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Courage
Hello all! I am still struggling with this whole blogging thing, and it is a reflection of how I am doing with this whole journey. I have reached a place of half-assed-ness. That is my new word. Anyways... I still have all of the intentions to continue this Journey. I am still mindful about what I have been putting in my body. I have been trying to exercise. BUT I HAVE BEEN CHEATING! With all of it! I am making excuses! I still have not gained any weight, so then I justify it. "See, I'll be able to maintain this weight loss!" Um, HELLO... I don't WANT to maintain a weight of 262!!! I can't keep staying in this maintaining place. I must move forward!!!
So, Onward I go. I feel like a broken record with these last few blogs! I need to get my ass back in gear! I need to WORK my recovery again. I am once again in a place with no sponsor. I don't really understand why God keeps testing me this way. I feel like I am making progress, trusting someone... Moving on with my work, and then it just stops. But I am not alone. I just need to reach out, particularly within my recovery program.
I am longing right now for a place where I don't feel so needy. When I don't feel like I am searching for what will "fix" this. I was finding that place and then I started to retreat. I don't know why. I guess the comfort of my old behaviors. But WHY? When they are so destructive and leave me mentally, physically, and spiritually drained. What the heck am I afraid of?!?! I am so sick of being afraid to live. Of letting my fears control my life.
This past Sunday, my priest was talking about fear and moving forward through that fear. He said "courage is fear that has said its prayers." So tonight, I am praying about my fears and hoping to face tomorrow with the courage it takes to move forward! No more break, no more maintaining... No more half ass effort. I need to give it my all!
So, Onward I go. I feel like a broken record with these last few blogs! I need to get my ass back in gear! I need to WORK my recovery again. I am once again in a place with no sponsor. I don't really understand why God keeps testing me this way. I feel like I am making progress, trusting someone... Moving on with my work, and then it just stops. But I am not alone. I just need to reach out, particularly within my recovery program.
I am longing right now for a place where I don't feel so needy. When I don't feel like I am searching for what will "fix" this. I was finding that place and then I started to retreat. I don't know why. I guess the comfort of my old behaviors. But WHY? When they are so destructive and leave me mentally, physically, and spiritually drained. What the heck am I afraid of?!?! I am so sick of being afraid to live. Of letting my fears control my life.
This past Sunday, my priest was talking about fear and moving forward through that fear. He said "courage is fear that has said its prayers." So tonight, I am praying about my fears and hoping to face tomorrow with the courage it takes to move forward! No more break, no more maintaining... No more half ass effort. I need to give it my all!
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
FALLING
Hi my name is Megan, and I am a compulsive overeater. That simple sentence is very important. Those words could save my life. Those words have significantly changed my life over the last few months. I have chosen to ignore the impact of those words during the last two weeks. I had survived many challenging situations until this point. I was able to resist certain foods and constant eating. I stopped grazing all day long. I stopped having cravings for the sugary foods that have controlled my thoughts for years. Then I fell and hurt my back. Then I got mad.
I lost control over my everyday world and little life around me. I was not able to care for my family because I was in bed in pain. I was not able to maintain the daily routine that has become my lifeline. I was not able to shop and cook and do the things that I have been doing to take care of myself and my recovery during these past few months. I was put on medications with the little red label which read "take with FOOD." I mean, if the doctor and pharmacy are telling me that I HAVE to eat every two hours, its free pass right?
I didn't make the worst food choices during my week of laying in bed and eating. BUT I could have done things differently. I stopped doing my meetings, my blogging, my reading, my working on me. I could have used all of that down time to further my recovery. Instead I took a break.
I can't, and I'm not, beating myself up for this break. I am ok, with the time that was my physical recovery. It is the past 5 days that I am beating myself up for. When I started to feel better physically, I didn't get back into my routine. I ate BAD foods. I still haven't done meetings regularly. I stopped my daily readings. I gained a few pounds. My cravings and constant thoughts about food are BACK!
The important part is that I am acknowledging my "fall." I am picking myself up, and I am going to allow myself to heal... Just like I had to do with my back. I feel like I am back to square one. But I'm not. I am armed with experience and so much more insight into this disease than I was in late September when I started this journey. I know what I need to do.... Now I just have to do it!
I lost control over my everyday world and little life around me. I was not able to care for my family because I was in bed in pain. I was not able to maintain the daily routine that has become my lifeline. I was not able to shop and cook and do the things that I have been doing to take care of myself and my recovery during these past few months. I was put on medications with the little red label which read "take with FOOD." I mean, if the doctor and pharmacy are telling me that I HAVE to eat every two hours, its free pass right?
I didn't make the worst food choices during my week of laying in bed and eating. BUT I could have done things differently. I stopped doing my meetings, my blogging, my reading, my working on me. I could have used all of that down time to further my recovery. Instead I took a break.
I can't, and I'm not, beating myself up for this break. I am ok, with the time that was my physical recovery. It is the past 5 days that I am beating myself up for. When I started to feel better physically, I didn't get back into my routine. I ate BAD foods. I still haven't done meetings regularly. I stopped my daily readings. I gained a few pounds. My cravings and constant thoughts about food are BACK!
The important part is that I am acknowledging my "fall." I am picking myself up, and I am going to allow myself to heal... Just like I had to do with my back. I feel like I am back to square one. But I'm not. I am armed with experience and so much more insight into this disease than I was in late September when I started this journey. I know what I need to do.... Now I just have to do it!
Sunday, February 27, 2011
My Aching Back
Oh my goodness... My blog work has gotten worse. I am having a hard time right now. I am working on being more positive. I want to be a glass half full kind of person. I use to be! Its who I strive to be again!! For a long time I was living a glass half empty kind of life and didn't even know it. People started to point it out to me. Its kind of like being fat and the denial that comes with it as well. In my head, I was only a little overweight and a happy, positive person... The rest of the world saw a very heavy person with a negative attitude.
My biggest problem is being negative with the self talk in my head. I have talked about it before, but I am SO MEAN to myself. It is a habit that I developed as a teenager. Beating myself up for not being good enough. Telling myself that I can't be better. That I don't deserve better. I hate that this started in me then and that I never got a handle on it as I became an adult and a mother in my early twenties.
The truth is that is why I am having a hard time blogging and doing the work I need to be doing for my recovery. Digging deep and finding out when and why I started to treat myself this way is a painful process. It is not something that I can fix quickly. But I am working hard to be kind to myself. I am always teaching my children to be kind to others, but I am missing the key element of kindness. That it has to start within yourself first. My children see me hating myself. Even if most of the hate happens in my head, it is evident on the outside as well.
The thing is, every time I say to myself, I am going to be better, to do better, something else happens to make that harder. This week I haven't written because I hurt my back. I have been in a very grumpy mood about it. I was in A LOT of pain all last week. I refused to go to the doctor for the first few days. The negative self talk during that time was taking a toll on me. I didn't want to hear from the doctor that b/c of my weight, my pain was worse. I just kept calling myself an asshole because I tripped over a basket that I put at my own feet and forgot about it. Beating myself up for the way I got hurt, DID NOT help me at all. Doing TOO much and not taking the time to rest and recover DID NOT help!
The way that I have reacted to this injury is just a small example of how I treat myself everyday. Not taking time to do the things I NEED to do to take care of myself. Beating myself up for mistakes I have made. Feeling lonely and like a burden because I have to depend on other people to help me sometimes. This was ALL magnified this week with hurting my back.
On Friday, I realized that this pattern of treating myself like this was NOT going to help me get better. I decided to get to the doctor and get help. Well the doctor was nice to me. Didn't say one word about my weight. Gave me the Medication I need to heal and sent me home to rest. My little sister came up and helped me with the kids and my house. My husband has been great to me, waiting on me and not letting me do too much. He even stopped and got flowers and a balloon for the kids to give me to cheer me up!
I am spending another day in my bed today recovering. But for three days I suffered because I was not willing to be kind to myself and take care of myself. I was filled with anger and resentment and didn't want to move on. Now that I have taken care of myself, I feel SO much better. I need to remember this as I continue on with this journey. I do not need to suffer alone. I need to be kind to myself and stop beating myself up especially about things that I cannot control.
My biggest problem is being negative with the self talk in my head. I have talked about it before, but I am SO MEAN to myself. It is a habit that I developed as a teenager. Beating myself up for not being good enough. Telling myself that I can't be better. That I don't deserve better. I hate that this started in me then and that I never got a handle on it as I became an adult and a mother in my early twenties.
The truth is that is why I am having a hard time blogging and doing the work I need to be doing for my recovery. Digging deep and finding out when and why I started to treat myself this way is a painful process. It is not something that I can fix quickly. But I am working hard to be kind to myself. I am always teaching my children to be kind to others, but I am missing the key element of kindness. That it has to start within yourself first. My children see me hating myself. Even if most of the hate happens in my head, it is evident on the outside as well.
The thing is, every time I say to myself, I am going to be better, to do better, something else happens to make that harder. This week I haven't written because I hurt my back. I have been in a very grumpy mood about it. I was in A LOT of pain all last week. I refused to go to the doctor for the first few days. The negative self talk during that time was taking a toll on me. I didn't want to hear from the doctor that b/c of my weight, my pain was worse. I just kept calling myself an asshole because I tripped over a basket that I put at my own feet and forgot about it. Beating myself up for the way I got hurt, DID NOT help me at all. Doing TOO much and not taking the time to rest and recover DID NOT help!
The way that I have reacted to this injury is just a small example of how I treat myself everyday. Not taking time to do the things I NEED to do to take care of myself. Beating myself up for mistakes I have made. Feeling lonely and like a burden because I have to depend on other people to help me sometimes. This was ALL magnified this week with hurting my back.
On Friday, I realized that this pattern of treating myself like this was NOT going to help me get better. I decided to get to the doctor and get help. Well the doctor was nice to me. Didn't say one word about my weight. Gave me the Medication I need to heal and sent me home to rest. My little sister came up and helped me with the kids and my house. My husband has been great to me, waiting on me and not letting me do too much. He even stopped and got flowers and a balloon for the kids to give me to cheer me up!
I am spending another day in my bed today recovering. But for three days I suffered because I was not willing to be kind to myself and take care of myself. I was filled with anger and resentment and didn't want to move on. Now that I have taken care of myself, I feel SO much better. I need to remember this as I continue on with this journey. I do not need to suffer alone. I need to be kind to myself and stop beating myself up especially about things that I cannot control.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Hit Me With Your Best Shot
Here we go again... I think things are ok, then... Bam. Life happens. I have still been struggling with my motivation. Trying to be kind to myself. I had to once again stop, and refocus. Saying to myself... no matter what there will ALWAYS be stress. I need to deal with it (without using food) and move on. The end of last week, my attitude was "hit me with your best shot." I felt like I can handle it and keep moving. WELL... I shouldn't have put that challenge out there into the universe!
Our weekend was one of those dreaded weekends married couples have. The ones where we sit down to do our taxes and review where we are financially. I thought we were doing a little better than we were. Ok, a lot better. My husband didn't want to worry me or cause me more stress while I have been working so hard to make these positive changes in my life... I mean, we aren't going to lose our house at this point or anything. BUT, after Christmas, and medical bills, and having hubby's truck fixed and inspected recently... things were not looking great!
Enter the stress factor. I start to think about going back to work, or babysitting more, or something... ANYTHING. I get nervous to start babysitting for new people that I don't know. I tend to get taken advantage of. Largely my fault b/c I want to help people. Last year, I was babysitting for a family that decided they didn't need me anymore. They still owed me $100 dollars. While talking to one of my BFF's about this hesitation to babysit again, she said, they never paid you the rest of your money, did they? I told her no, and I never expected them to. Its ok, they were struggling, I didn't really care and $100 dollars doesn't make or break us.
Well after this weekend, that hundred dollars makes a difference this week. So while making dinner last night, there is a knock on my door. It is the family that owed me money from OVER a YEAR ago. She has a card for me and my money! What??? REALLY?? I haven't even thought about them in months, and now right after I talked about it, they show up?!?! I was in really good spirits. I felt like the universe was on my side!!! "See world, hit me with your best shot!" Everything works out. I kiss my husband, dance around the kitchen ready to take on the world again.
Then my hubby leaves to take my son to CCD. Within three minutes of them walking out the door, the phone rings... "honey, we're ok, but I messed up the truck!" Crash! Crash for the truck spinning on ice. Crash to my mood and my optimism. BIG FAT CRASH!!!!!! It could have been worse... The road they were on is dangerous. My guys were fine. No one was hurt! My son was shaken up because it was really scary! The truck lost a wheel, but no body damage. All could have been MUCH worse.
The police officer who came to help, drives my husband up the hill, he needs to get money to pay the tow truck. No real words are spoken as I walk over, open the card I was so thrilled to get just 20 minutes earlier... And hand my husband the cash! I was left standing in the kitchen alone, feeling defeated again!
Our weekend was one of those dreaded weekends married couples have. The ones where we sit down to do our taxes and review where we are financially. I thought we were doing a little better than we were. Ok, a lot better. My husband didn't want to worry me or cause me more stress while I have been working so hard to make these positive changes in my life... I mean, we aren't going to lose our house at this point or anything. BUT, after Christmas, and medical bills, and having hubby's truck fixed and inspected recently... things were not looking great!
Enter the stress factor. I start to think about going back to work, or babysitting more, or something... ANYTHING. I get nervous to start babysitting for new people that I don't know. I tend to get taken advantage of. Largely my fault b/c I want to help people. Last year, I was babysitting for a family that decided they didn't need me anymore. They still owed me $100 dollars. While talking to one of my BFF's about this hesitation to babysit again, she said, they never paid you the rest of your money, did they? I told her no, and I never expected them to. Its ok, they were struggling, I didn't really care and $100 dollars doesn't make or break us.
Well after this weekend, that hundred dollars makes a difference this week. So while making dinner last night, there is a knock on my door. It is the family that owed me money from OVER a YEAR ago. She has a card for me and my money! What??? REALLY?? I haven't even thought about them in months, and now right after I talked about it, they show up?!?! I was in really good spirits. I felt like the universe was on my side!!! "See world, hit me with your best shot!" Everything works out. I kiss my husband, dance around the kitchen ready to take on the world again.
Then my hubby leaves to take my son to CCD. Within three minutes of them walking out the door, the phone rings... "honey, we're ok, but I messed up the truck!" Crash! Crash for the truck spinning on ice. Crash to my mood and my optimism. BIG FAT CRASH!!!!!! It could have been worse... The road they were on is dangerous. My guys were fine. No one was hurt! My son was shaken up because it was really scary! The truck lost a wheel, but no body damage. All could have been MUCH worse.
The police officer who came to help, drives my husband up the hill, he needs to get money to pay the tow truck. No real words are spoken as I walk over, open the card I was so thrilled to get just 20 minutes earlier... And hand my husband the cash! I was left standing in the kitchen alone, feeling defeated again!
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Tales of Flying Cheeseburgers and Gravy
Why am I an angry person? Why does this psycho live down deep inside me? I can be fine for days! Weeks now that I have been on this journey. Then something stressful and annoying happens and I flip the BEEP out! I know that I have been doing it for as long as I can remember. As a little girl at my sisters. I remember getting in trouble for it. As a teenager at my mother. I once ripped a cheeseburger in half, screamed and threw it in her face. I have thrown chairs at walls and broken door jams during teenage fights with my parents. I bit my baby sister once. When I say that, it sounds like I was little and bit my sister... no big deal. But she was like 7 which made me 14! She was in front of me on the floor and was bugging me. I bit her shoulder... HARD!!! In college a threw a pot of gravy at my best friend because she was chewing loudly to intentionally piss me off! These are a few glimpses into the psycho me world that I am referring to.
I was told I was crazy, emotionally unstable, by the people I love. But doctors told me I was fine. I know it is not "normal." As I write this, I feel the shame I have felt with each of those incidences. Like this anger is a deep dark secret. I want to delete this and stop writing. Each time I react with this kind of anger, I HATE MYSELF. It has definitely contributed to my low-self esteem. I immediately wish I could take back what had just happened. In the past, it has made me feel suicidal for brief moments, only because I didn't want to even face myself and didn't know how to stop the anger. I am embarrassed, humiliated, I feel STUPID and don't like any part of "that" me!
I do NOT hurt my children, I do NOT beat my husband, I am NO longer suicidal about my anger, I've been over that for years! I lose my patience, I yell and scream, I say things I don't mean, but I am not at a point that I am afraid of my anger. It just frustrates me now because I don't want to have it in me anymore. I also want to know WHY it is there at all. I did not have a screwed up abusive childhood to make me have this resentment and anger. I was given all that I could have asked for and more. SO... WHY??? That is one thing that I am trying to resolve so that I can be free of this addiction.
Last night, I was ANGRY. I don't really know why? Money, bills, stress, normal life... but I had LITTLE patience. I can feel it starting to boil. I feel my jaw clench, my anxiety rise, tightness in my chest. I try to walk away. To calm down. To not be frustrated. But as soon as the process starts, it is HARD to stop sometimes. Before I know it, one bickering moment between my children results in me screaming and yelling and slamming things. Last night, I slammed a door and a picture frame fell off the wall and broke. The irony was what set me off was my son was being destructive to our house again. Way to lead by example!!! UGH!
As soon as I am alone, I can calm myself down... It use to be with food. Now I have to stop and pray and gather myself. The problem is, it comes back so quickly, and I don't usually get my time alone when I need it. I am just irritable for the next 24 hours or so after one of my freak outs! This morning I am having an anger hang-over. Still feeling angry at myself for having those reactions. My kids don't care or notice. They greeted me with hugs and kisses and demands for cereal and juice. All my husband has to do is look at me and I start crying. I was feeling the shame build, so I thought, why not write about it and tell the world? I need to quit burying these feelings after they happen. That is the best I can do for today. Hope no one tries to have me committed :)
I was told I was crazy, emotionally unstable, by the people I love. But doctors told me I was fine. I know it is not "normal." As I write this, I feel the shame I have felt with each of those incidences. Like this anger is a deep dark secret. I want to delete this and stop writing. Each time I react with this kind of anger, I HATE MYSELF. It has definitely contributed to my low-self esteem. I immediately wish I could take back what had just happened. In the past, it has made me feel suicidal for brief moments, only because I didn't want to even face myself and didn't know how to stop the anger. I am embarrassed, humiliated, I feel STUPID and don't like any part of "that" me!
I do NOT hurt my children, I do NOT beat my husband, I am NO longer suicidal about my anger, I've been over that for years! I lose my patience, I yell and scream, I say things I don't mean, but I am not at a point that I am afraid of my anger. It just frustrates me now because I don't want to have it in me anymore. I also want to know WHY it is there at all. I did not have a screwed up abusive childhood to make me have this resentment and anger. I was given all that I could have asked for and more. SO... WHY??? That is one thing that I am trying to resolve so that I can be free of this addiction.
Last night, I was ANGRY. I don't really know why? Money, bills, stress, normal life... but I had LITTLE patience. I can feel it starting to boil. I feel my jaw clench, my anxiety rise, tightness in my chest. I try to walk away. To calm down. To not be frustrated. But as soon as the process starts, it is HARD to stop sometimes. Before I know it, one bickering moment between my children results in me screaming and yelling and slamming things. Last night, I slammed a door and a picture frame fell off the wall and broke. The irony was what set me off was my son was being destructive to our house again. Way to lead by example!!! UGH!
As soon as I am alone, I can calm myself down... It use to be with food. Now I have to stop and pray and gather myself. The problem is, it comes back so quickly, and I don't usually get my time alone when I need it. I am just irritable for the next 24 hours or so after one of my freak outs! This morning I am having an anger hang-over. Still feeling angry at myself for having those reactions. My kids don't care or notice. They greeted me with hugs and kisses and demands for cereal and juice. All my husband has to do is look at me and I start crying. I was feeling the shame build, so I thought, why not write about it and tell the world? I need to quit burying these feelings after they happen. That is the best I can do for today. Hope no one tries to have me committed :)
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Lazy Blogger
I am getting blog lazy! I want to blog more!! But I am kind of at a place in my recovery that is hard to process and put into words. It is a part that involves picking myself apart and trying to figure out why I feel and act the way I do. Looking back at all the areas of my life that have had a big enough impact to shape how I view myself and the world. Trying to discover why I feel the need to bury those feelings under serving and serving of unhealthy food!
Doing this while abstaining from overeating is hard to do. It is the only way to get deep and bring any old feelings back up. Because under the food haze of overeating you don't think about any of the reasons you are eating. But it is really hard to not go back to the old coping mechanisms and to not hide from any of it again. Temptations are back and harder to resist. My ego has been telling me that I don't really have a problem and I don't need to go through all this. Thankfully, I have not clouded my thinking with food, so I am able to snap out of it fairly quickly when that happens. But, I have had a constant battle in my head for the past few weeks. And the only way to get through it, is to keep on pushing and learning and moving on!
I am learning about my own personality flaws. About the negative behaviors I have learned and how they keep me from being the best me I can be. My need to make everyone happy. My desire to rescue and save anyone but myself. I hate confrontation. I have to be "right". I don't take responsibility for some of my feelings. For example, NO ONE can MAKE me feel anything. "SHE made me feel stupid." Or "HE made me want to eat." Those are MY reactions... and if I can stay aware of them, I can change them, and not dwell, and hide, and eat, and snowball into depression.
So that is my update about where I am right now. Its not a bad place to be, but it has been a tough place to be. I am learning more and more not to focus on the weight loss. I am learning that it can ONLY about being free from the desire to overeat. It is still hard to not let my mind and my ego take control when I get discouraged with my body. Some days are better than others. I have had days when I have eaten more than I should, or some foods that I should not eat. BUT they have still not resulted in a backslide... which for ME means that I am DEFINITELY making progress. One of the best things I have learned recently is that this process is about progress not perfection!!!!
Doing this while abstaining from overeating is hard to do. It is the only way to get deep and bring any old feelings back up. Because under the food haze of overeating you don't think about any of the reasons you are eating. But it is really hard to not go back to the old coping mechanisms and to not hide from any of it again. Temptations are back and harder to resist. My ego has been telling me that I don't really have a problem and I don't need to go through all this. Thankfully, I have not clouded my thinking with food, so I am able to snap out of it fairly quickly when that happens. But, I have had a constant battle in my head for the past few weeks. And the only way to get through it, is to keep on pushing and learning and moving on!
I am learning about my own personality flaws. About the negative behaviors I have learned and how they keep me from being the best me I can be. My need to make everyone happy. My desire to rescue and save anyone but myself. I hate confrontation. I have to be "right". I don't take responsibility for some of my feelings. For example, NO ONE can MAKE me feel anything. "SHE made me feel stupid." Or "HE made me want to eat." Those are MY reactions... and if I can stay aware of them, I can change them, and not dwell, and hide, and eat, and snowball into depression.
So that is my update about where I am right now. Its not a bad place to be, but it has been a tough place to be. I am learning more and more not to focus on the weight loss. I am learning that it can ONLY about being free from the desire to overeat. It is still hard to not let my mind and my ego take control when I get discouraged with my body. Some days are better than others. I have had days when I have eaten more than I should, or some foods that I should not eat. BUT they have still not resulted in a backslide... which for ME means that I am DEFINITELY making progress. One of the best things I have learned recently is that this process is about progress not perfection!!!!
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
When It Rains It Pours
I feel like my life has always had a "kick me when I'm down" theme. I often wonder if it is just me that feels this way? Obviously not, or there wouldn't be sayings like "kick me when I'm down" and "when it rains, it pours." I am wondering recently if it is an 'addict' thing? Like are we just more sensitive to it because of a lack of coping mechanism outside of our addiction? Same thing with the "woe is me" reaction that I get when things go wrong? I don't know if it is addict thing, a learned behavior, or if it is just who I am, but I am trying to change that. I have been reminded again this week, that I don't have to change it. I just have to make the right decisions and God will do the rest.I had a bad week as far as stupid food. Well, not so much a bad week, but a bad few hours. I had a crazy busy few hours this past week. My daughter was throwing a temper tantrum about wanting candy while I was running around like an asshole trying to get stuff done and out the door. So I grabbed her candy and took it with us. Before I even knew what was happening I had eaten a mini Kit Kat and mini Reese's cup! WHAT THE F?!? I survived HALLOWEEN without even licking my fingers!!!! But one week of letting my guard down and not working on my recovery and I do that???
So I beat myself up about it, I get pissed off, I tell myself I won't do it again. Then two hours later, I go through the drive thru at Wendy's and get the a chicken sandwich AND fries AND a Diet Coke! UGH!!! So I eat it, telling myself I already ate the candy, I hadn't eaten lunch, so it was OK! After every last salty delicious fry was gone, I knew that I had messed up. But I stopped. I prayed. I knew that this moment could be just that, a moment that I "slipped." That I made a mistake. That it didn't have to mean total relapse.
I vowed to get on the computer and e-mail my sponsor the MINUTE I got in the door. I have not needed to do that YET; to check in with a fellow addict after a slip!!! So I get in the door, sign on immediately, and as I open my e-mail, there was already an e-mail from my sponsor. She sent it TWO minutes before I logged on! I was like WOW, God is in control, he had her thinking about me right when I needed it. I opened the e-mail with so much anticipation, like it was going to tell me I won the lottery or something! Then my stomach sank... One sentence, saying sorry, I've decided to leave the program to start a different journey... awesome. Bring on the woe is me... kick me when I'm down... when it rains it pours!
So I spent the next few hours pissed off. I told my hubby that I was going to quit too. I was done! So I left my family to their dinner and went up stairs to my bed to wallow in my misery and play mindless computer games until I fell asleep. I turned on the laptop, looked at the time, and it hit me that an on-line meeting was starting in one minute!
So I logged in to my first meeting in a week, shared my day almost immediately and felt so much love and support. I knew in that moment that I couldn't give up. That I was not as alone as I felt! Then, I had someone reach out to me and offer to pick up sponsoring me where I was. I felt humbled. Why did I doubt so much? My bad day of big slips turned into yet another fresh start! Slowly but surely I am working on being more positive and learning to roll with the punches! So for now, I am picking myself up, putting on my rain gear, and splashing in the puddles!
Monday, January 24, 2011
Pittsburgh's Goin to the Super Bowl
Pittsburgh's Goin to the Super Bowl!
I am a Pittsburgh girl... born and bred to bleed black and gold. I CANNOT describe what it is like to be a football fan in this great city. We are the Pittsburgh Steelers. The only NFL team to win 6 Super Bowl Championships. The best thing about being a Steelers Fan is being part of something so BIG!
Steelers fans do not just reside in Pittsburgh. It really is a Steelers Nation.
One of the reasons for this was that when the big booming steel industry started to die down, jobs were lost, and many people had to move away from Pittsburgh and make homes in other cities. They may have left the Burgh behind, but they took with them their Steelers Pride. There are Steelers bars all over this country. Since that time, many others have moved for countless reasons, but you can't take away the Steeler fan attitude that means so much! If you are not a true Steeler fan, you cannot understand what it feels like to be one. It is beyond the sport. It is a religion!
To be a Steeler fan living in Pittsburgh is the best feeling in the world. The electric emotional feeling I get when I watch those boys run out onto the field, terrible towels waving, pure passion pulsing through everyone's veins, cannot even be put into words. It brings me to tears almost every time! As of last night, it is official... we are heading to the Super Bowl again! I cannot wait for these next two weeks!!
To live here in this City is something that I am very grateful for. I have learned so much about being proud of where you came from, about respecting our history, and about how to work hard, live hard, play hard and love hard. On days like these, the excitement and anticipation can be truly felt just walking out of your house. Excitement, passion, joy, and absolute faith in our team are evident everywhere.
I wish I could face each day with this same excitement and joy. I know that my little life is not something that my city will be behind cheering for, but I want to make the decision right now to have that kind of belief and faith in myself, and in God, everyday. The same kind of faith and belief that my great city has for the Pittsburgh Steelers! I wont have theme songs and news coverage and a towels waving to cheer me on every step of the way. But if I can wake up everyday with that kind of excitement about life, I know that I can make even bigger changes and get out of this "stuck" place that I have been in for the last few weeks.
So my preparations for this years big game won't be about food planning for the parties. No Pierogies, chipped ham barbecues, chips, dips and Iron City for me... Just soaking in the energy that is out there and using it to make more positive changes in my life!
I am a Pittsburgh girl... born and bred to bleed black and gold. I CANNOT describe what it is like to be a football fan in this great city. We are the Pittsburgh Steelers. The only NFL team to win 6 Super Bowl Championships. The best thing about being a Steelers Fan is being part of something so BIG!
Steelers fans do not just reside in Pittsburgh. It really is a Steelers Nation.
One of the reasons for this was that when the big booming steel industry started to die down, jobs were lost, and many people had to move away from Pittsburgh and make homes in other cities. They may have left the Burgh behind, but they took with them their Steelers Pride. There are Steelers bars all over this country. Since that time, many others have moved for countless reasons, but you can't take away the Steeler fan attitude that means so much! If you are not a true Steeler fan, you cannot understand what it feels like to be one. It is beyond the sport. It is a religion!
To be a Steeler fan living in Pittsburgh is the best feeling in the world. The electric emotional feeling I get when I watch those boys run out onto the field, terrible towels waving, pure passion pulsing through everyone's veins, cannot even be put into words. It brings me to tears almost every time! As of last night, it is official... we are heading to the Super Bowl again! I cannot wait for these next two weeks!!
To live here in this City is something that I am very grateful for. I have learned so much about being proud of where you came from, about respecting our history, and about how to work hard, live hard, play hard and love hard. On days like these, the excitement and anticipation can be truly felt just walking out of your house. Excitement, passion, joy, and absolute faith in our team are evident everywhere.I wish I could face each day with this same excitement and joy. I know that my little life is not something that my city will be behind cheering for, but I want to make the decision right now to have that kind of belief and faith in myself, and in God, everyday. The same kind of faith and belief that my great city has for the Pittsburgh Steelers! I wont have theme songs and news coverage and a towels waving to cheer me on every step of the way. But if I can wake up everyday with that kind of excitement about life, I know that I can make even bigger changes and get out of this "stuck" place that I have been in for the last few weeks.
So my preparations for this years big game won't be about food planning for the parties. No Pierogies, chipped ham barbecues, chips, dips and Iron City for me... Just soaking in the energy that is out there and using it to make more positive changes in my life!
Thursday, January 20, 2011
I Can Move Mountains
Maintaining recovery from this food addiction is very much like maintaining my mountains of laundry. If I can stay on top of it, then it doesn't feel so overwhelming. If I do a load or two of laundry a day then I don't get stuck with mountains of laundry that are overwhelming. Obviously, based on the picture below, I have not been able to do that!!
I have always hated laundry. I love the feeling when it is done, but because I hate every minute of that particular chore, I blow it off. I wait until no one in this house has anything to wear. When my husband has to wear the hot tamale flannel boxer shorts that I bought him for valentines day eight years ago, I know it is way past time to start the dreaded task! If I could just make myself stick to a laundry routine, it would not SUCK so bad.
As opposed to the laundry, I actually enjoy taking care of myself and working on my recovery. It makes no sense to me why I can't get into a daily routine with it. When I do work on it routinely, I feel so good about it all. I feel positive. I want to exercise. I want to learn as much as I can about how I got this way and what it takes to make the necessary changes. When I pray and focus on my recovery, I feel like I can move mountains.
So my continued goal is to carve out daily time for me and this journey. I don't know what it will take for me to learn how to maintain the chores in this house. But, if I can recover from this crazy ass disease like I have been, if I can move those mountains one day at a time, SURELY I can move my mountains of laundry too.... right????
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
What Do I Want to Be When I Grow Up?
Part of living in the haze of food addiction is just settling for the life you have created around you, believing that you don't deserve more or better. My adult days, up until starting this journey, have honestly just been about going through the motions. Being numb, anxious, irritable, and not even thinking that it could be better. All I wanted in life was to take care of my kids. To be there for them. I have been here, but have not been my best self and have not been as good to them as I could have been. That is changing. I know it is. But on my "blah" days, I just get upset about how much more I could have done. I cannot live in the past and need to keep moving... But then I stress about the future. I need to master this living in the NOW thing!
Lately as the haze is lifting and I am feeling better about my life in general, I realize just how unfulfilled I am at times. I know that I am getting better. I am being a better mother. There is much less TV and much more mommy time. I am able to better manage my time so that I do not feel like I need to be doing 500 other things than what my kids need and want me to do. But I have also been worried lately about what ELSE I can do with my life. I am grateful to have this time to work on me and to be home with my kids, BUT I need to know what else I am going to be able to do when my daughter starts school. I would love to just blog and write and help other people start their own journey, but that doesn't pay the bills!
I have a degree.... a four year degree from a good school and an accredited social work program. But it means very little. Much less than I thought it would mean. The reason that I am a stay at home mom is that it is not worth working and paying for day care to bring home very little money. It is incredibly frustrating to continue to pay over $200 for my school loan every single month (for what feels like the rest of my life) when I can't even use my education!
Some days I struggle with that part of my life more than others. There are babysitting days when I am pulling my hair out, getting paid shit money to take care of other peoples needy kids, that I dream about running away. Running away to a place that I am only a career woman, living alone, waking up without taking care of the needs of pets and small children before my own. I know that is selfish! I know that if I honestly think about life without my family I am sad. I know that I am not meant to be some career driven, high class woman who knows exactly what she wants out of life. But some times I feel like I just want to know what I am going to be when I grow up!
Lately as the haze is lifting and I am feeling better about my life in general, I realize just how unfulfilled I am at times. I know that I am getting better. I am being a better mother. There is much less TV and much more mommy time. I am able to better manage my time so that I do not feel like I need to be doing 500 other things than what my kids need and want me to do. But I have also been worried lately about what ELSE I can do with my life. I am grateful to have this time to work on me and to be home with my kids, BUT I need to know what else I am going to be able to do when my daughter starts school. I would love to just blog and write and help other people start their own journey, but that doesn't pay the bills!
I have a degree.... a four year degree from a good school and an accredited social work program. But it means very little. Much less than I thought it would mean. The reason that I am a stay at home mom is that it is not worth working and paying for day care to bring home very little money. It is incredibly frustrating to continue to pay over $200 for my school loan every single month (for what feels like the rest of my life) when I can't even use my education!
Some days I struggle with that part of my life more than others. There are babysitting days when I am pulling my hair out, getting paid shit money to take care of other peoples needy kids, that I dream about running away. Running away to a place that I am only a career woman, living alone, waking up without taking care of the needs of pets and small children before my own. I know that is selfish! I know that if I honestly think about life without my family I am sad. I know that I am not meant to be some career driven, high class woman who knows exactly what she wants out of life. But some times I feel like I just want to know what I am going to be when I grow up!
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
God Grant Me The Serenity
Stress and anxiety... A recurring theme in my life! I wish that I could say that this process has already relieved me of all of these issues that I suffer with. But, I know there is no quick fix. And, just as I will always have this disease of addiction, I think I will always have the anxiety issues as well. But its learning how to cope and move on that is making a differnce in my life.
I know I have already seen a huge difference. My anxiety on a daily basis has not been as bad! I do not overstress about everything. I am not consumed with negative thoughts and a desire to eat them away. They still pop up every once in a while, sometimes a few times a day, but not all day every day, and that to me is HUGE!
As soon as there is a "change" in my life however, I start to get that pit in my stomach. The racing heart, the irritability and short temper come quickly, often before I even realize that I am stressed out! These changes can be as simple as a doctor appointment for me, my husband or my kids... or a day like today when school is canceled and I don't know if I'm babysitting, will I have to drive in the snow, etc.
Nothing gets me more stressed than someone starting to get sick... especially my daughter. She has a bladder reflux issue that she takes an antibiotic for on a daily basis. Most days, I don't even remember that she has it. But it isn't getting better and no one has real answers for us about what to do. Do we wait it out and hope it heals itself? What if the waiting it out has a permanent effect on her kidneys? What if we do the surgery that isn't guaranteed to fix it, and there is some kind of complication? Right now, we have decided with the guidance of the doctor, to wait a little longer and hope for the best.
We found out that she had this problem when she had a seizure at 11 months old. This was very close to the scariest thing that has ever happened to me. I now know that febrile seizures are pretty common, and they don't often have any effect on kids later in life. But when my baby was shaking violently and I was having a full body panic attack, nothing else mattered. My husband was on the phone with 911 and I was trying to help my baby girl... then her little body went limp and lifeless for a few seconds, I wanted to die right then and there!
Fast forward three years to last night. A normal night. It was snowing pretty hard outside, the kids were excited, I was starting to fix dinner, and was a little worried about my husband getting home, but all was well. Then the kids saw our neighbors playing outside in the snow. Of course they wanted to go out too. At first I was a little overwhelmed. Dinner was started, dishes needed done, I had "things" to do. But I told myself, suck it up. Enjoy life. That is what I am working on... letting go!
So I turn off the stove, bundle us up and head outside to play! I was diving and running and having fun. I am feeling good. Feeling strong and definitely noticing the changes in my body and in my energy. Then only after like ten minutes of being outside, my daughter starts to cry. I figured she was tackled by her brother, or had snow in her boots etc. But she is crying that her "pee parts" hurt. GREAT! I try to distract her, we keep playing, but she is not getting better.
Inside we go, unbundle, and she is now SCREAMING! This goes on for a good thirty minutes. I finally get her to calm down, thanks to Dora the Explorer. Give her some ibuprofen and her antibiotics, get her to eat some yogurt, and then within the hour she feels better. But then I can't help but freak out for the rest of the night. My nice relaxing evening turns into me obsessing about middle of the night seizures in a snow storm.
This morning she is fine, all is well, but I feel like I am still "coming down" from the stress and anxiety. This is when I want to eat. And eat. And eat. But I haven't. I shoveled the driveway and the walks, I had my oatmeal, and have been blogging away. I am processing all of this. Working on my anxiety and my reactions to it.
The one constant that most people know about recovery groups is the Serenity Prayer. This prayer has been most helpful to me in regards to my anxiety, more so than with my food addiction. As I shoveled away all of the snow this morning, I sang it over and over in my head.
I know I have already seen a huge difference. My anxiety on a daily basis has not been as bad! I do not overstress about everything. I am not consumed with negative thoughts and a desire to eat them away. They still pop up every once in a while, sometimes a few times a day, but not all day every day, and that to me is HUGE!
As soon as there is a "change" in my life however, I start to get that pit in my stomach. The racing heart, the irritability and short temper come quickly, often before I even realize that I am stressed out! These changes can be as simple as a doctor appointment for me, my husband or my kids... or a day like today when school is canceled and I don't know if I'm babysitting, will I have to drive in the snow, etc.
Nothing gets me more stressed than someone starting to get sick... especially my daughter. She has a bladder reflux issue that she takes an antibiotic for on a daily basis. Most days, I don't even remember that she has it. But it isn't getting better and no one has real answers for us about what to do. Do we wait it out and hope it heals itself? What if the waiting it out has a permanent effect on her kidneys? What if we do the surgery that isn't guaranteed to fix it, and there is some kind of complication? Right now, we have decided with the guidance of the doctor, to wait a little longer and hope for the best.
We found out that she had this problem when she had a seizure at 11 months old. This was very close to the scariest thing that has ever happened to me. I now know that febrile seizures are pretty common, and they don't often have any effect on kids later in life. But when my baby was shaking violently and I was having a full body panic attack, nothing else mattered. My husband was on the phone with 911 and I was trying to help my baby girl... then her little body went limp and lifeless for a few seconds, I wanted to die right then and there!
Fast forward three years to last night. A normal night. It was snowing pretty hard outside, the kids were excited, I was starting to fix dinner, and was a little worried about my husband getting home, but all was well. Then the kids saw our neighbors playing outside in the snow. Of course they wanted to go out too. At first I was a little overwhelmed. Dinner was started, dishes needed done, I had "things" to do. But I told myself, suck it up. Enjoy life. That is what I am working on... letting go!
So I turn off the stove, bundle us up and head outside to play! I was diving and running and having fun. I am feeling good. Feeling strong and definitely noticing the changes in my body and in my energy. Then only after like ten minutes of being outside, my daughter starts to cry. I figured she was tackled by her brother, or had snow in her boots etc. But she is crying that her "pee parts" hurt. GREAT! I try to distract her, we keep playing, but she is not getting better.
Inside we go, unbundle, and she is now SCREAMING! This goes on for a good thirty minutes. I finally get her to calm down, thanks to Dora the Explorer. Give her some ibuprofen and her antibiotics, get her to eat some yogurt, and then within the hour she feels better. But then I can't help but freak out for the rest of the night. My nice relaxing evening turns into me obsessing about middle of the night seizures in a snow storm.
This morning she is fine, all is well, but I feel like I am still "coming down" from the stress and anxiety. This is when I want to eat. And eat. And eat. But I haven't. I shoveled the driveway and the walks, I had my oatmeal, and have been blogging away. I am processing all of this. Working on my anxiety and my reactions to it.
The one constant that most people know about recovery groups is the Serenity Prayer. This prayer has been most helpful to me in regards to my anxiety, more so than with my food addiction. As I shoveled away all of the snow this morning, I sang it over and over in my head.
I will never stop worrying about my kids. I will always want to do everything I can to keep them safe. But I need to keep living and not miss out on life. I can only focus on the things that I can control and continue to give the rest to God!
Amen
Monday, January 10, 2011
Plateau
I have been at the same weight for weeks! Up and down a pound or two and that is it! I was ok with that because it was the holiday's and I didn't GAIN weight. More importantly I didn't relapse with my disease! Which I know is the most important thing!!
I have gotten a little lazy as far as putting in the work. I have not been overeating, but I also have not been doing as much as I could be doing for my recovery. I know I can do more. I have not been going to meetings as often. I have not been doing my daily reading and work like I was for the first 70 days or so. When I stop focusing on that part, this whole thing becomes more of a "diet" again! I do not want this to feel like a diet! That is when I am tempted to give up! This is a life change!
So as I have learned thus far, this thing is one day at a time. Just because I have not lost much recently and just because I have lost some of my spiritual and mental concentration, does not mean that I can quit! I can start again right now! I have started over right now. I read my "For Today" reading. I have prayed. I am blogging. Today I will read some of my other recovery readings and attend and on-line meeting.
I need to make exercise part of my DAILY routine. I really struggle with how and when to fit it in to my life. I need to just do it when I can. I want to have a set time, but I am never good at that! As a stay at home mom no day is ever the same! So when the kids are good and content... that needs to be when I exercise. I have tried the early morning thing so many times... I just can't make it work! Although I would like to. Maybe I can just try it one day a week or something for now!
Oh well, I'll figure it out.
Today's goals: Exercise, Meeting, Read and figure out how to break through this plateau!!!!
I have gotten a little lazy as far as putting in the work. I have not been overeating, but I also have not been doing as much as I could be doing for my recovery. I know I can do more. I have not been going to meetings as often. I have not been doing my daily reading and work like I was for the first 70 days or so. When I stop focusing on that part, this whole thing becomes more of a "diet" again! I do not want this to feel like a diet! That is when I am tempted to give up! This is a life change!
So as I have learned thus far, this thing is one day at a time. Just because I have not lost much recently and just because I have lost some of my spiritual and mental concentration, does not mean that I can quit! I can start again right now! I have started over right now. I read my "For Today" reading. I have prayed. I am blogging. Today I will read some of my other recovery readings and attend and on-line meeting.
I need to make exercise part of my DAILY routine. I really struggle with how and when to fit it in to my life. I need to just do it when I can. I want to have a set time, but I am never good at that! As a stay at home mom no day is ever the same! So when the kids are good and content... that needs to be when I exercise. I have tried the early morning thing so many times... I just can't make it work! Although I would like to. Maybe I can just try it one day a week or something for now!
Oh well, I'll figure it out.
Today's goals: Exercise, Meeting, Read and figure out how to break through this plateau!!!!
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Wordless Wednesday - The world through the eyes of my little man!
Gamma bought Jack his own digital camera
for his Birthday! These are just a FEW
of the pictures he has taken!
Totally unrelated to my weight loss journey :)
 |
| Self Portrait |
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Day 100 is a Day of Rest
Last night I felt fine. I went next door to catchup with friends for the new season of the Bachelor, one of my mindless guilty pleasures. I had a really nice late evening, but felt good! I came home and crashed! I woke up at 6:00 with horrible cramps and the worst headache I have ever had. I am a bit of baby, and I am no stranger to being sick and feeling like crap, but I really felt BAD. My husband is used to me being sick, but he knew this was different. He told me to go back to sleep and he got the kids out the door to school for their first day back since before Christmas.
So, hubby stayed home, my son has been in school all day, and my daughter was invited to go to Chuck E Cheese with a friend. I had a very unexpected, but much needed day of rest. I got to spend some time reading and focusing on my recovery. I got to be lazy with no guilt and watch stupid tv shows on our new bedroom TV, (a wonderful christmas gift from my in-laws). My husband even did the grocery shopping that needed done! These times are so rare. Normally it takes weeks of planning to get this kind of rest. But today, dispite the killer migraine that comes and goes, it feels like a gift!
Today is day ONE HUNDRED of this journey! Craziness! But I can honestly say that for the past one hundred days I have felt the best I have felt in years! I know that there are several reasons for that. One is just the food itself. The quality of food that I have been putting into my body has physically healed me. Very little heart burn and indegestion. I haven't felt painfully full of anything in months. I used to like that feeling (in a sick f-ed up way). If I was really full then I was "ok". I was rarely hungry because I ate constantly and I didnt' like to be hungry. Now I like to feel that I am hungry. True physical desire to eat instead of purely mental!
I have spent so much of the last five years exhausted and feeling sick. Sick from the side effects of the sugar and fast food garbage that I was eating. Sick mentally from the effects of the disease of addiction. Tired of hating myself and the way that I felt! I am so grateful that my attitude about food itself is changing and that I am slowly breaking free of this addiction. I know that need to maintain my focus and keep putting in the work. I know that I need to focus this month on getting back to regular exercise and continuing to seek help from my recovery program. So that is the plan for the next few weeks... but the plan for the remainder of day 100 is more quiet time, reflection, reading, a meeting and rest.... Who knows when I'll get this opportunity again.... could be years!
So, hubby stayed home, my son has been in school all day, and my daughter was invited to go to Chuck E Cheese with a friend. I had a very unexpected, but much needed day of rest. I got to spend some time reading and focusing on my recovery. I got to be lazy with no guilt and watch stupid tv shows on our new bedroom TV, (a wonderful christmas gift from my in-laws). My husband even did the grocery shopping that needed done! These times are so rare. Normally it takes weeks of planning to get this kind of rest. But today, dispite the killer migraine that comes and goes, it feels like a gift!
Today is day ONE HUNDRED of this journey! Craziness! But I can honestly say that for the past one hundred days I have felt the best I have felt in years! I know that there are several reasons for that. One is just the food itself. The quality of food that I have been putting into my body has physically healed me. Very little heart burn and indegestion. I haven't felt painfully full of anything in months. I used to like that feeling (in a sick f-ed up way). If I was really full then I was "ok". I was rarely hungry because I ate constantly and I didnt' like to be hungry. Now I like to feel that I am hungry. True physical desire to eat instead of purely mental!
I have spent so much of the last five years exhausted and feeling sick. Sick from the side effects of the sugar and fast food garbage that I was eating. Sick mentally from the effects of the disease of addiction. Tired of hating myself and the way that I felt! I am so grateful that my attitude about food itself is changing and that I am slowly breaking free of this addiction. I know that need to maintain my focus and keep putting in the work. I know that I need to focus this month on getting back to regular exercise and continuing to seek help from my recovery program. So that is the plan for the next few weeks... but the plan for the remainder of day 100 is more quiet time, reflection, reading, a meeting and rest.... Who knows when I'll get this opportunity again.... could be years!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)