December 31

New Years Eve.  My son's birthday and he is turning 8 this year.  I cannot believe he is that big already.  I had him in my early twenties when I didn't know anything about being a "real" grown-up.  Who am I kidding, I still don't.  However, together we have learned a lot.

I have taught him how to walk and talk.  To count, to say his alphabet and to spell his name.  I have taught him how to tie his shoes, ride his bike, and throw a ball.  I have taught him how to laugh and sing and dance and play dress up. I have taught him that temper tantrums do not get him what he wants.  I have tried to teach him to clean his room and be nice to his little sister.  I have definitely taught him that mommy is not perfect. I have tried very hard to teach him that all people are equal and he needs to always be kind and loving to everyone.   I have tried even harder to teach him how to love and respect himself.  I'm not sure how well I have done these things, and only time will tell.  I have taught him that he is the most loved little boy in the world!


He has taught me what it feels like to have a piece of my heart walking around outside my body.  He has taught me that I have more patience than I thought I would in some situations, and much less in others.  He has taught me that little boys have a lot of energy.  He has taught me not to leave glass in a garbage bag, even for a few seconds, or it could result in stitches.  He has taught me that one little human can love more fully than most adults.  He has taught me to laugh at life; to be silly and not to be so serious.  He has taught me that I need to love myself more! I have not hid this journey of mine.  He watches what I eat as much as I do right now and has been one of my biggest cheerleaders!

My little guy has definately changed the way we spend our New Years.  From the cold December night when he was born on that last day of 2002, to this year's festivities, we celebrate him on this day!  No big "grown-up" party for mom and dad.  Usually just a quiet night at home with our family.  In recent years, he has stayed up til midnight made confetti and watched daddy and the neighbors set off fireworks.

This year was much quieter.  His little sister fell asleep hours before midnight.  We curled up in bed and flipped between all of the New Year's Eve festivities on TV.  Instead of throwing his homemade confetti in mom and dad's bed, we agreed that jumping on the bed would be a new tradition.  So we counted down from ten to one, then Jack the dog and Jack the Boy jumped their way into 2011.  I cried as usual. But this year, I was crying because every year I am more and more grateful to have this kind, sweet, loving, silly, curious, and wise little boy in my life!

Stomach Flu and Peace of Mind

Danny's Hoagies, Bethel Bakery, and Sarris Candy!  Unless you live in the South Hills of Pittsburgh, those things mean nothing to you.  But to a food addict who grew up there, combined with family "coming home" for the holidays, those things are inevitable temptations.  The thought of those foods used to provoke joy and anticipation.  Each bite made me truly happy!  But I can honestly say that I hated the feeling that I had about those foods.

There was an anxiety involved with ordering the hoagies... worrying that there wouldn't be enough.  I would think how could I "accidentally" order extra and be able to eat it all alone later in the day or overnight!  I would desperately want to be the first to open the Sarris Candy, so that I could be guaranteed to have the good pieces.  I would be fighting the rest of my family for the piece of Bethel Bakery cake that had the most of the icing! 

I knew that I did these things, and I knew that I didn't really like the way I felt in the process, but the feeling after eating made up for that.  I also knew deep down that it was not normal to be worried and consumed with thoughts of food.  This year was different.

I wish I could take the credit.  I wish I could say that it was ONLY because of the hard work I have put into trying to recover from this disease.  I wish I could say that I didn't want some of the unhealthy binge foods of my past... But I can't.  I did want them.  There was a little bit of longing for the old feelings.  BUT, I got the stomach flu in the beginning of the week!  Looking back on this week, this flu was a bit of a gift. (For me at least, the countless other family members that also caught the bug, may disagree!)

I did NOT want to eat anything because I didn't feel well. I have learned to look at food as something that my body needs to be healthy.  Not something my mind needs to make me feel better. However, there was a definite difference this year in my thought process.  In the past, two days after a stomach bug, I would have ate the hoagie in a few mindless minutes and would have faced the consequences later.  This year, I was at peace with it!  I didn't include myself in the order of 7 whole sandwiches.  I didn't eat any of the leftovers!  I didn't WANT to!  I was ok.  I was not anxious and mad and sad and a million other emotions.  I was at peace again!  Woo Hoo!

Post Christmas Catch-up

It has been a while since I have posted anything, and to be honest, I have had a hard time focusing on this journey to a healthier me during the holidays.  First it was just because of the chaos and prepartations.  Then it was because I was NOT healthy.  My sister gave us a gift this year that just keeps giving...  a stomach bug!  We are each taking our turn with it.  FUN FUN FUN!

Also we have had some unexpected out of town guests!  Which is AWESOME... but definately took me out of my routine.  First round of texas family was here a few days before christmas, the next round could arrive before I even finish this blog!  I miss my family so much, so it is a great gift, but when they are in Pittsburgh, we stay at my parents house instead of doing the hour and a half drive.  So, I'm not at home, not in my element, not in my safety zone that I have created.  My parents have been very supportive though!

With that said, I have been doing really well.  I have not overeaten, I have not eating compulisively, BUT I have eaten oustide of meal time and have had a few bites of sugar over the last week.  I have also had a lot of ginger ale over the last 24 hours...  I know that it is not good, but I am proud of myself at the same time, because it has not led to a binge.  The rest of the week here with more family and more unhealthy food after eating sugar, could result in compulsive overeating though, if I do not keep myself aware!!!  So thats it.  I need to get through the rest of 2010 without overeating, and then bring in 2011 really spending some time on me and this journey again once we are home!

Slip Slidin Away

I feel myself slipping right now.  Going back to old habits...  I have not binged by any means, BUT, I feel like I'm just not taking care of myself to the same degree as I had been.  I started to get tired of how much work this whole journey takes!  It is constant!  But I feel a thousand times better when I put in the work!  I wish that it was enough to keep me going.

My problem is my mind.  The self-talk that goes through my head.  For the first 60 days, my self-talk was positive and up lifting.  My self-talk would lead right into prayers.  I would say in my head all day long, "I can do this, I deserve this."  Then I would pray, "God I can do this only with you."  In the past two weeks, my self talk has been slowly creeping back into the negative.

I start to think, "you can't do this forever?"  I hear peoples voices that I have shared this journey with...  "You haven't done therapy or medication, how do you know you are better?"  "How can you guarantee that you aren't going to go back to the depressed place?"  I tell myself, that I don't deserve it.  I feel myself start to get tired and burnt out and I get negative and lazy!  Then I start to really believe the negative voice in my head.

I know that I have the control over my thoughts.  I need to not get wrapped up in them.  I need to tell myself that I know what is true.  I KNOW what works.  I know how I feel when I really, take care of myself and pray and meditate and FOCUS on what really matters.  But after at least 20 years of telling myself that I don't deserve that happiness and that I am not ok, it is harder to change that way of thinking, than it is to make the other changes in my life.

I don't know if it is my thyroid, depression, or hormones related to both that make me feel the tired worthless feeling. But I am aware that it is happening this time, which is a good thing.  I had started to try to eat "normal" food again.  Not all super healthy food.  But I think when I do that, I lose my focus.  I need to refocus today.  Get through this crazy Christmas week, and pray pray pray the whole time.

I have not lost anything in two whole weeks!  But its ok.  I am not quitting.  I am going to be mindful of taking care of myself instead of just going through the motions of life, and being swept away by the chaos around me! 

In fact, right now, I am going to turn on the Disney channel (so my daughter gives me some peace and quiet), get out my books, and work on my recovery!  Then I am going to get some laundry done.  Then this evening we are going to go for a ride to see some Christmas lights, an annual tradition for our family!  Today is a new day!  Happy Monday!

Crazy Bitch

So many times on this blog I have raved about my amazing, sweet, kind, and patient husband.  The one I feel is too good for me, that I do not deserve. Well, today's blog is different.  Let me start with this...   while he does have all of those amazing qualities, he is still a MAN!

If I want something done, I have to ask... several times.  He doesn't buy anniversary or valentines gifts, he says he shows me everyday that he loves me, "special days are stupid."  I step on dirty socks and underwear in the middle of the night on the way to the bathroom.  If the steelers, penguins, or mountaineers are on TV, I could stand naked in front of him and he wouldn't notice.  If he gets a new x-box game, we don't go to bed at the same time until he beats it!

He is also a man that is a mama's boy.  Which is not always a bad thing.  Its also why he is so sweet, caring, and kind.  BUT, he has had all of his needs met, and then some, since the day he was born.  We started dating when he was 19, so he went from being taken care of by his mom to being taken care of by me...  never did he have to worry about meals, or laundry, or planning and preparing for much of anything. Again, this is just as much my "fault" as his, I love taking care of him.  Also, I am control freak, so it is just "easier" if I do most things! 

Today we had my daughter's fourth birthday tea party.  I had to get a lot of things ready and it is my fault that I am a perfectionist about these things... BUT, when I need my husband to help on these days, I lose my patience!

He moves in slow motion! He over-thinks everything on a daily basis, so simple tasks appear to stump him sometimes.  He is an incredibly smart chemical engineer, so when I ask him to do something simple and I get a blank stare, I get SO frustrated!  Earlier I asked him to get me a roll of toilet paper...  I get the blank stare for a few seconds followed by, "where is it?" ....   REALLY???  Its in the same spot in the closet that it has been for almost 3 years that we have lived in this house! 

I tell him things and they go in one ear and out the other.  It makes me feel crazy when he asks me something that I JUST told him the answer to.  Another example from today; I say, "I swear there was more lunch meat than this, I guess I don't have enough for the adults." To which he responds, "OK."  Ten minutes later he says "Hey, I'm going to make more sandwiches for us."  AAAAGGGHHH! 

I was already hormonal and bitchy and mean.  He couldn't win.  It didn't matter what he did today, it drove me crazy. I yelled and I said things that I shouldn't say to him.  I feel bad. But it happens all the time.  I swear when I am PMS-ing, so is he.  If I feel fine, he doesn't irritate me and do stupid things.  But, as soon as I am stressed, he flakes and makes me worse.  I know that this is irrational and that it is largely my stupid hormones!  But I also know that we are normal!  They make sitcoms out of these husband/wife relationships!  Today we were a sitcom.  But I hope we can get back to "normal" before the holidays roll around.

 
By the end of the day, the party was a success.  The girls had fun and all my planning paid off.  I FINALLY got my hubby to finish decorating the outside christmas stuff (even if it was because he couldn't stand to be in here with me any longer)!!


I am still beyond grateful that I have this guy to be with forever.  Today is exactly one year since he went into the hospital and was super sick.  I am SOOOO  glad he is here to yell at today and to piss me off.

I'm sorry I am a crazy bitch jay, but I love you and appreciate you more than you will ever know!!

My Christmas "Present"

I struggle with anxiety.  I always have for as long as I can remember.  I worry way too much about the future and all of the things that could go wrong.  I worry about things beyond my control, so I concentrate on things I think I can control…  like the perfect Christmas.  I have gone to the hospital twice in the past 8 years because of chest pain…  both have been in early December.  Both times I was sent home with a clean bill of health and told to deal with my anxiety!

A huge part of recovery is living in the moment.  Recovering addicts live one day at a time.  Or at least we try to.  It’s the ONLY way to succeed in recovery.  When I think about never eating certain things again, I get overwhelmed.  When I think about not eating right now, I am fine with that! 

When I think about all of the inevitable “bad” things that will happen in my life, I freak!  I can’t breath.  I worry about who I am going to loose... Who is going to get sick.  But if I think about right now, everyone is fine, I am fine! 

Thank God I don’t know what will happen to me and my family in the future.  Even though some days I wish I knew exactly what is ahead of us.  Can you imagine knowing what is out there in our futures… Good and Bad???  That is NO way to live!

When I live in the future, or the past, I am driven by fear and regret.  I am consumed with all of the “what ifs!”  For so much of my life I have not REALLY been living!  My mind is constantly in motion.  I long for the peace that I am promised by living life as a recovering food addict.  Although I have not been overeating, I am still struggling with letting go of those fears and living in the now.

I have had more and more tastes of that peaceful way of life though.  I feel like I was getting close and for some reason started to take back control…  I think it is this time of year.  The chaos of the holiday and birthday season.  Trying so hard to make everyone happy.  To be a good mom.  I feel like I need to be super mom during this month.  There are so many things to remember.  My to-do list is miles longer than normal and I start to lose my focus. 

My gift to myself this year needs to be to take care of me and enjoy my family this Christmas.  To live in the moment.  To enjoy the times I have with my kids instead if worrying about what I have or haven’t done.  Today is my gift…  That’s why it is called the PRESENT !!!  

FOUR

Five years ago, I spent my birthday in the hospital.  I was happily pregnant just days before.  I was ten weeks into my second pregnancy.  This one was planned.  This one was full of so much excitement and hope!  But then, I started to bleed.  It turns out that this happy planned pregnancy was ectopic.  I had to spend my birthday in the hospital, waiting to find out the best way to "end" the pregnancy.  This little life that we were so thrilled about was growing in the wrong place in my body.  I was so sad. I felt like it was my fault.  Like MY body had failed to do what it was supposed to and now this baby couldn't be born! 

We were told to wait at least three months to try again.  Three months later, without out any planning, we were pregnant again.  This time I was not as excited.  I was constantly worried that it was going to go wrong.  This pregnancy was a painful one.  Much different than my first.  After I had Jack, I swore I could be pregnant all the time!  I loved it...  not so much this time.   Then at 20 weeks we found out that it was a baby girl.  Everything on the fuzzy black and white screen indicated she was healthy and growing strong.  I still wasn't convinced. My eating was out of control again at this point because it was the only way I knew how to deal with all of my anxiety!

The morning she was born

But in the dark, cold, early morning hours of December 13, 2006 we drove to Mercy Hospital to have a scheduled C-section.  I was so nervous.  Nervous about her being ok, nervous about loving another baby as much as we had loved our first.  For four years, it was just us and Jack.  We were babies together.  This time, we knew what we were doing. But I was still not sure of myself. That is until they brought that sweet chubby baby girl up to my face for our first kiss.  At that moment,  in the bright lights of that operating room, I knew that I would never be the same.

Madelyn Mae Banes was born at 8 in the morning weighing 8 pounds and 14 ounces.  Oh. My. God.  I had a daughter.  A relationship between a mother and daughter is so much different than that with a son.  I knew I had so much to teach her!  Little did I know just how much she would teach me!!

She is strong willed and opinionated. She is rough and tough and mischievous. She is sweet and caring and kind.  She loves her brother more than anyone in the world. 

She has all of us wrapped around that little finger of hers!  She is a HUGE reason that I need to make these changes in myself so that I can teach my daughter to love herself!!!

Today, that sweet baby girl turns four!  When I laid there in the hospital, so devastated about the ectopic pregnancy, I didn't think I would ever understand why things like that happen.  But I am so glad that God was the one in control.  He had a plan.  He wanted us to have Maddie Mae and I am so grateful that we do!