I Can Move Mountains

Maintaining recovery from this food addiction is very much like maintaining my mountains of laundry.  If I can stay on top of it, then it doesn't feel so overwhelming.  If I do a load or two of laundry a day then I don't get stuck with mountains of laundry that are overwhelming. Obviously, based on the picture below, I have not been able to do that!!

If I do my meetings and my readings and put in the work that it takes to remain aware of this disease, then it isn't so overwhelming.  If I live it one day at a time I don't get angry and scared.

I have always hated laundry.  I love the feeling when it is done, but because I hate every minute of that particular chore, I blow it off.  I wait until no one in this house has anything to wear.  When my husband has to wear the hot tamale flannel boxer shorts that I bought him for valentines day eight years ago, I know it is way past time to start the dreaded task!  If I could just make myself stick to a laundry routine, it would not SUCK so bad.

As opposed to the laundry, I actually enjoy taking care of myself and working on my recovery.  It makes no sense to me why I can't get into a daily routine with it.  When I do work on it routinely, I feel so good about it all.  I feel positive.  I want to exercise.  I want to learn as much as I can about how I got this way and what it takes to make the necessary changes.  When I pray and focus on my recovery, I feel like I can move mountains.

So my continued goal is to carve out daily time for me and this journey.  I don't know what it will take for me to learn how to maintain the chores in this house.  But, if I can recover from this crazy ass disease like I have been, if I can move those mountains one day at a time, SURELY I can move my mountains of laundry too.... right????

What Do I Want to Be When I Grow Up?

Part of living in the haze of food addiction is just settling for the life you have created around you, believing that you don't deserve more or better.  My adult days, up until starting this journey, have honestly just been about going through the motions.  Being numb, anxious, irritable, and not even thinking that it could be better.  All I wanted in life was to take care of my kids.  To be there for them. I have been here, but have not been my best self and have not been as good to them as I could have been.  That is changing. I know it is. But on my "blah" days, I just get upset about how much more I could have done.  I cannot live in the past and need to keep moving...  But then I stress about the future.  I need to master this living in the NOW thing!  

Lately as the haze is lifting and I am feeling better about my life in general, I realize just how unfulfilled I am at times.  I know that I am getting better.  I am being a better mother.  There is much less TV and much more mommy time.  I am able to better manage my time so that I do not feel like I need to be doing 500 other things than what my kids need and want me to do.  But I have also been worried lately about what ELSE I can do with my life.  I am grateful to have this time to work on me and to be home with my kids, BUT I need to know what else I am going to be able to do when my daughter starts school.  I would love to just blog and write and help other people start their own journey, but that doesn't pay the bills! 

I have a degree.... a four year degree from a good school and an accredited social work program.  But it means very little.  Much less than I thought it would mean.  The reason that I am a stay at home mom is that it is not worth working and paying for day care to bring home very little money.  It is incredibly frustrating to continue to pay over $200 for my school loan every single month (for what feels like the rest of my life) when I can't even use my education! 

Some days I struggle with that part of my life more than others.  There are babysitting days when I am pulling my hair out, getting paid shit money to take care of other peoples needy kids, that I dream about running away.  Running away to a place that I am only a career woman, living alone, waking up without taking care of the needs of pets and small children before my own.  I know that is selfish!  I know that if I honestly think about life without my family I am sad. I know that I am not meant to be some career driven, high class woman who knows exactly what she wants out of life.  But some times I feel like I just want to know what I am going to be when I grow up!

God Grant Me The Serenity

Stress and anxiety... A recurring theme in my life! I wish that  I could say that this process has already relieved me of all of these issues that I suffer with.  But, I know there is no quick fix.  And, just as I will always have this disease of addiction, I think I will always have the anxiety issues as well.  But its learning how to cope and move on that is making a differnce in my life.  


 I know I have already seen a huge difference.  My anxiety on a daily basis has not been as bad!  I do not overstress about everything.  I am not consumed with negative thoughts and a desire to eat them away.  They still pop up every once in a while, sometimes a few times a day, but not all day every day, and that to me is HUGE!


As soon as there is a "change" in my life however, I start to get that pit in my stomach.  The racing heart, the irritability and short temper come quickly, often before I even realize that I am stressed out!  These changes can be as simple as a doctor appointment for me, my husband or my kids...  or a day like today when school is canceled and I don't know if I'm babysitting, will I have to drive in the snow, etc.


Nothing gets me more stressed than someone starting to get sick...  especially my daughter.  She has a bladder reflux issue that she takes an antibiotic for on a daily basis. Most days, I don't even remember that she has it.  But it isn't getting better and no one has real answers for us about what to do.  Do we wait it out and hope it heals itself?  What if the waiting it out has a permanent effect on her kidneys? What if we do the surgery that isn't guaranteed to fix it, and there is some kind of complication?  Right now, we have decided with the guidance of the doctor, to wait a little longer and hope for the best.

We found out that she had this problem when she had a seizure at 11 months old.  This was very close to the scariest thing that has ever happened to me.  I now know that febrile seizures are pretty common, and they don't often have any effect on kids later in life.  But when my baby was shaking violently and I was having a full body panic attack, nothing else mattered.  My husband was on the phone with 911 and I was trying to help my baby girl...  then her little body went limp and lifeless for a few seconds, I wanted to die right then and there! 


Fast forward three years to last night.  A normal night.  It was snowing pretty hard outside, the kids were excited, I was starting to fix dinner, and was a little worried about my husband getting home, but all was well.  Then the kids saw our neighbors playing outside in the snow.  Of course they wanted to go out too.  At first I was a little overwhelmed.  Dinner was started, dishes needed done, I had "things" to do.  But I told myself, suck it up.  Enjoy life.  That is what I am working on...  letting go!


So I turn off the stove, bundle us up and head outside to play!  I was diving and running and having fun.  I am feeling good.  Feeling strong and definitely noticing the changes in my body and in my energy.  Then only after like ten minutes of being outside, my daughter starts to cry.  I figured she was tackled by her brother, or had snow in her boots etc.  But she is crying that her "pee parts" hurt.  GREAT!  I try to distract her, we keep playing, but she is not getting better.  


Inside we go, unbundle, and she is now SCREAMING!  This goes on for a good thirty minutes.  I finally get her to calm down, thanks to Dora the Explorer.  Give her some ibuprofen and her antibiotics, get her to eat some yogurt, and then within the hour she feels better.  But then I can't help but freak out for the rest of the night.  My nice relaxing evening turns into me obsessing about middle of the night seizures in a snow storm.  


This morning she is fine, all is well, but I feel like I am still "coming down" from the stress and anxiety.  This is when I want to eat. And eat. And eat.  But I haven't.  I shoveled the driveway and the walks, I had my oatmeal, and have been blogging away.  I am processing all of this.  Working on my anxiety and my reactions to it.


The one constant that most people know about recovery groups is the Serenity Prayer.  This prayer has been most helpful to me in regards to my anxiety, more so than with my food addiction.  As I shoveled away all of the snow this morning, I sang it over and over in my head.  

I will never stop worrying about my kids.  I will always want to do everything I can to keep them safe.  But I need to keep living and not miss out on life.  I can only focus on the things that I can control and continue to give the rest to God! 

 Amen

 

Plateau

I have been at the same weight for weeks!  Up and down a pound or two and that is it!  I was ok with that because it was the holiday's and I didn't GAIN weight.  More importantly I didn't relapse with my disease! Which I know is the most important thing!!

I have gotten a little lazy as far as putting in the work.  I have not been overeating, but I also have not been doing as much as I could be doing for my recovery.  I know I can do more.  I have not been going to meetings as often.  I have not been doing my daily reading and work like I was for the first 70 days or so.  When I stop focusing on that part, this whole thing becomes more of a "diet" again!  I do not want this to feel like a diet!  That is when I am tempted to give up!  This is a life change!

So as I have learned thus far, this thing is one day at a time.  Just because I have not lost much recently and just because I have lost some of my spiritual and mental concentration, does not mean that I can quit!  I can start again right now!  I have started over right now.  I read my "For Today" reading.  I have prayed.  I am blogging.  Today I will read some of my other recovery readings and attend and on-line meeting. 

I need to make exercise part of my DAILY routine.  I really struggle with how and when to fit it in to my life.  I need to just do it when I can.  I want to have a set time, but I am never good at that!  As a stay at home mom no day is ever the same!  So when the kids are good and content... that needs to be when I exercise.  I have tried the early morning thing so many times...  I just can't make it work!  Although I would like to.  Maybe I can just try it one day a week or something for now!

Oh well, I'll figure it out.

Today's goals:  Exercise, Meeting, Read and figure out how to break through this plateau!!!!

Wordless Wednesday - The world through the eyes of my little man!

 Gamma bought Jack his own digital camera

for his Birthday!  These are just a FEW 

of the pictures he has taken!    

Totally unrelated to my weight loss journey :)    

Self Portrait

Day 100 is a Day of Rest

Last night I felt fine.  I went next door to catchup with friends for the new season of the Bachelor, one of my mindless guilty pleasures.  I had a really nice late evening, but felt good!  I came home and crashed!  I woke up at 6:00 with horrible cramps and the worst headache I have ever had.  I am a bit of baby, and I am no stranger to being sick and feeling like crap, but I really felt BAD.  My husband is used to me being sick, but he knew this was different. He told me to go back to sleep and he got the kids out the door to school for their first day back since before Christmas.

So, hubby stayed home, my son has been in school all day, and my daughter was invited to go to Chuck E Cheese with a friend.  I had a very unexpected, but much needed day of rest.  I got to spend some time reading and focusing on my recovery.  I got to be lazy with no guilt and watch stupid tv shows on our new bedroom TV, (a wonderful christmas gift from my in-laws).  My husband even did the grocery shopping that needed done!  These times are so rare.  Normally it takes weeks of planning to get this kind of rest.  But today, dispite the killer migraine that comes and goes, it feels like a gift!

 Today is day ONE HUNDRED of this journey!  Craziness!  But I can honestly say that for the past one hundred days I have felt the best I have felt in years!  I know that there are several reasons for that.  One is just the food itself.  The quality of food that I have been putting into my body has physically healed me.  Very little heart burn and indegestion.  I haven't felt painfully full of anything in months.  I used to like that feeling (in a sick f-ed up way).  If I was really full then I was "ok".  I was rarely hungry because I ate constantly and I didnt' like to be hungry.  Now I like to feel that I am hungry.  True physical desire to eat instead of purely mental!


I have spent so much of the last five years exhausted and feeling sick.  Sick from the side effects of the sugar and fast food garbage that I was eating.  Sick mentally from the effects of the disease of addiction.  Tired of hating myself and the way that I felt!  I am so grateful that my attitude about food itself is changing and that I am slowly breaking free of this addiction.  I know that need to maintain my focus and keep putting in the work.  I know that I need to focus this month on getting back to regular exercise and continuing to seek help from my recovery program.  So that is the plan for the next few weeks...  but the plan for the remainder of day 100 is more quiet time, reflection, reading, a meeting and rest....  Who knows when I'll get this opportunity again....  could be years!

NO Resolutions

Every January, I start my list of resolutions.  I would get very overwhelmed thinking about all of the things that I am unhappy with.  The list would go on and on.  I would beat myself up thinking about all of the things that NEED to change.  Thinking about all of the ways that I was not good enough!  I would look around at my house, my kids, my closets, my body, and think... "Wow Meg, you SUCK!"

Then, in an attempt to make myself feel better, I would resolve that I could change it all. It was a new start, a new year... the best time to change!  I would muster up enough willpower and inner strength that I felt like I could move mountains.  I would make a trip to the local super store to stock up on everything from ONLY healthy food, to cleaners and storage bins for organization.  I always put several new notebooks in my cart as well, because after all, a new start means a clean slate.  My clean slate notebook would quickly fill up with lists, food plans, current weights and measurements, goals, and then a journal entry about how this year would be different!!!!

By February those notebooks, that represented my "new organized healthy life," were covered with pages of scribbles from whichever child stole it and decided to color on top of it!  Then they were normally stuck in the bottom of my kitchen drawers, buried under the clutter that makes up most of my to-do lists!

So this year, 1/1/11 marks a year that I don't hate myself.  There are still hundreds of things that can be cleaned and organized.  I still wish my children were better behaved, well-mannered and a little less destructive.  I still have at least 100 pounds to lose. I still need to exercise much more often and with more intensity.  BUT I do not need to make any huge life-changing resolutions.  I do not need to make empty promises to myself and my family.

 One thing I have learned after years of disappointing February 1sts, is that will power and self control do not work!  Alone they are not enough.  Before we can declutter our lives and fix our bodies, we must declutter our minds and fix our spiritual health. It starts from the inside out.

I do not mean to discredit resolutions for anyone else...  If that's what it takes for you to make the changes you need to make in your own life, then keep on making them!!! But this year I am relieved that I do not need to make huge goals about changing EVERYTHING in my life. I need to make a promise to myself to take care of ME everyday.  To wake up and pray and make my DAILY resolutions to be the best I can. Every day is a new start.  I do not need a new year to make these changes, and that feels SO GOOD!