Deserving

Ok, so I ended my last blog talking about feeling undeserving of the life that I do have!  While I was hiding from the world and feeling sick and scared, afraid of the opposite sex, afraid of rejection, somehow I met the man of my dreams!  Well I guess I didn't really "meet" him then.  We actually grew up in the same town.  We were in some of the same classes since we were in the 6th grade.  By high school we were in the same big group of friends.  In fact, his best friend, who ended up being the best man in our wedding, was my first kiss.  We were friends, but not super close friends, and he always had a girlfriend. 

When we were sophomores in college, at different schools, we were home for spring break at the same time.  I was actually really sick with some gallbladder issues, and he was the one who took care of me.  The one who worried about me.  That week we kissed for the first time and before the end of that month we knew we would be together forever.  He was my first "real" relationship.  No one thought we would make it.  The first year, all of my friends were worried about me getting my heart broken.  No one believed me when I said we were "different!"  Looking back I understand the skepticism, but I honestly KNEW that he was the one for me.  We were engaged after that first year, and married with a baby on the way a year after that!

He really truly loves me. From day one, I always asked him why? Why me? Why do you love me???  ME? of all the girls out there.  I still ask him that 10 years later.  He is so good to me. He is an AMAZING father.  He is perfect in so many ways.  I still don't feel like I deserve this funny, handsome, cute, strong, loving, kind, and even dorky, amazing MAN!  He gave me two beautiful children!  He works so hard every day to provide us with all that we need and more.  He wakes up in the middle of the night to the wet beds and bad dreams, he is the one who reads stories at night and is most of the time the one who says the last i love you's and sleep tight, no buggies at bedtime! He is our rock and I really appreciate him every day of my life.

I want to be more for him though.  He says he just wants me to be healthy and happy.  I want to be the girl I know he wants.  Athletic, competitive, stable, fun, healthy, and consistent.  I do a lot for us in our home, but I rely on him to do so much more than he really needs to do.  He picks up my slack and never gets angry or disappointed.  Actually I'm sure he does get angry and disappointed, but he never tells me that.  These are all reasons that feel like I don't deserve him, or more accurately, that he deserves  better than me!

I need to stop playing that game in my head and making excuses.  He does love me.  He is faithful to me.  God gave him to me as a gift in my life.  Most people in my life do not know love the way that I do.  They are constantly searching for something even remotely close to what our relationship is!  Instead of wasting it away, I need to be grateful for what I do have.  God does think that I deserve this man.  God had a plan, and He gave us our amazing children.  Again, I am reminded that I have to stop hiding in this chaotic disease.  That this beautiful man has been with me through all of this because that was the plan that God had for my life!  I need to recover from this addiction for myself, not for anyone else, but I can't wait to continue to give back to my husband all of the love and patience and kindness that he has given to me over these last few years!  I am so excited for the rest of our lives.  This life that I deserve!

Halloween Party

 Tonight I went to my first ‘real’ party since I started this new stage of my life.  This was just a small Halloween party at my little sister’s place.  A party where I knew a lot of people.  But these people have been “real” friends with my sisters for years.  To me they are not people that I considered friends.  In fact when one of the guys heard I was coming, he literally said, “Megan is coming?  Is she even fun?” 

At first this question about my personality bothered me a bit, because I used to be so much fun!  Silly and goofy and fun.  But when I thought about it, I realized that it reflects the way I have been living my life.  I was always so afraid to go out of my comfort zone, especially when it came to “partying.”  The few times that I actually let my guard down and had fun, someone would make fun of my weight and I would get so self conscious and anxious and want to run away.  I was also always afraid of getting in trouble, of breaking the rules.  And that too, was because of my fear of negative attention.  I don’t like interactions with people who will judge me! 

I know this is stupid, but it is a fact that I have lived my life like this for too long.  I have missed out on a lot of things in my life. I never went to a high school dance, I was afraid of being alone with guys, I avoided college parties and activities at all costs, I dread car rides with people I don’t know well, I’m afraid to get back into the work force, I avoid school functions, I don’t do some of my sons activities and would rather miss boy scout meetings and ball games, I don't want to meet my husbands friends, I won't go watch him play volleyball.  I am embarrassed of what I look like and who I think I am!!!

I am a stay at home mom.  At first, it really was to be there for my kids and be able to do all of these things.  But now it is because I would rather hide than interact with the world.  When my husband is actually home, I tend to use that time to spend it alone, rather than with all four of us together.  I disengage.  I hide in my room, or I leave to do something alone!  In the moment I have a hundred justifications about why I need and deserve the alone time.  But I know those are just excuses!  Excuses that this disease has helped me create in order to avoid the real world.  But this needs to change, and I feel it changing already!

The party was a lot of fun.  I brought candy and a gooey Mexican cheese dip, but I didn’t eat any of it.  I had some red wine, but didn’t get drunk.  I had fun, and Damn it, I was fun!  I was able to be myself and have fun the whole time!!  I wasn’t anxious!  I didn’t leave early.  I didn’t get miserable and self hating and turn inward.  When I do this, people see me as boring and bitchy.  But that is not how I ever intended that to be.  I just get too scared to be me… it has always been easier to get “sick” and run away. 

I am so glad that I went!  I am so glad that I never once felt uncomfortable or self conscious.  We stayed until after 3 am, and had fun the whole time!  By the end i was joking with the guy that questioned my ability to be "fun!"   I am seeing new miracles every day, and cannot wait to see what else is in store for me.  I am adding new goals of being more involved with my family when my husband is home.  I am going to engage and not be afraid to feel.  I am going to live my life instead of being afraid of what will happen if I try to live it!  I have missed out on way too much and I can’t do that anymore!   All I ever wanted was to be married and have a family, and now I feel like I don't deserve the one I have!!!  This is too long, so more about that in another blog!  Tonight, I do feel grateful and deserving, and it feels good:)

The Scariest Halloween of My Life

When I was seven, my parents had a big “grown-up” Halloween party.  Although we weren’t around for the party itself, we were around for the decorating and preparations.  My dad made a guillotine!  Complete with decapitated bloody head.  It was hidden in a corner of our basement and the idea was that people would literally fall into this room and then be face to face with the “dead head!” 

I was terrified of the dead head! I hated it! I do not like to be scared. To this day I detest scary movies and haunted houses.  I blame the dead head!  After trick or treating that Halloween, we were going through our candy, as excited as could be about all of the treats we had brought home.  My dad thought it would be really funny to put the dead head on his own head and sneak up behind us!  He crept up behind me and yelled BOO!   My little seven year old self almost had a heart attack!

For three years following that particular Halloween, I had nightmares several nights a week involving the dead head.  I could not go to the bathroom by myself in elementary school b/c I envisioned the dead head rolling under the stall. I was constantly scared that I was being haunted by the dead head.  It was one of those parenting moments that my dad laughs about and the reason that some people (like me) need therapy.  HaHaHa.  

This years Halloween rivals the dead head Halloween!  This is the scariest Halloween yet!  I have been junk food and sugar free for 31 days.  It has been a lot easier than I thought it would be!  The reason it has been easier is that I have had nothing “bad” in my house, and have prepared ahead of time for situations that I knew would be tempting. But tonight was trick or treating for our community! My safe environment is far from safe right now!!!!  But I feel strong.  I am not grieving the food they way I have in past attempts at losing weight.  I recognize that it is because this time I am admitting that I have an addiction. In the past i would attempt to have just a piece or two of candy.  That has never worked.

If I lived through years of being haunted by a dead head, surely I can make it through a few weeks without eating ANY candy… RIGHT???? 

“Aren’t you frustrated?”

Today is Day 30!  Yay!  I really have made it thirty days?!?!  Thirty days of eating really healthy foods.  Thirty days of very little sugar! Thirty days of actively working on myself and my health!  I am actually pretty darn proud of myself!  I have lost 20 pounds, I have more energy, I feel better in general.  Already I can feel the changes in my body.  I know I still have a very long long way to go. In fact, I have the rest of my life!  I can never go back to my old eating patterns or I will easily gain weight and be back in the same destructive pattern! I need to live this way from now on!

I had this same conversation with a friend today.  I was excited to share my 20 lb mark with her.  When I told her, she said “aren’t you frustrated?”  I was really confused at first b/c I wasn’t sure what there was to be frustrated about.  Then she said, “I just can’t believe that’s all you lost.  I really would have thought it would be more?!  Not to be rude, but if I was working as hard as you and doing what you’re doing, it would be melting off of me!!”  My answer was just that she doesn’t have the same metabolism as me or the thyroid issues! 

Then I talked about this being a life long change in my relationship to food.  My addiction to food really.  Its not about just losing weight!  I’m not focusing on losing weight.  I’m focusing on taking care of myself and doing the healthiest things possible for my body.  The result of this will be weight loss and so much more!  My body will take care of itself if I give it everything it needs to live and grow and change in a healthy direction for once!  I am doing all I can, so no, I’m not frustrated!  I found myself defending my efforts and that was VERY FRUSTRATING!

I explained that if I think about forever, about living like this forever, I get incredible frustrated and overwhelmed.  Am I frustrated that I have an addiction?  HELL YES! Am I frustrated that I let myself get this way?  HELL YES!  But if I continue to live in the past, to get frustrated and regret what I have done, if I grieve over stupid comfort junk food, I will not be ok.  I have gained 125+ lbs in 10 years!  If I do that for the next ten years, I will be sick and dying at 42!  I’m not ok with that. 

I know that addiction is a sneaky, cunning, frustrating disease!  I know that I can’t avoid certain foods forever.  I know that living like this is a lot more work than just eating convenient unhealthy foods.  I know that I will be faced with major stressors in my life. We all do. I know that there is always I chance that I will relapse.  But I can’t fear that. I can’t get overwhelmed with that!  I can’t think too much about the past or about the future.  I need to think about today!  I have let go of my frustrating life, and I am filled with hope instead!  And for today, day 30, I am proud of myself for putting myself first and doing what I know I need to do!

Twenty Eight

Today is my 28^th day!  It just so happens that 28 is my favorite number.  I was excited to live this 28^th day of the journey.  It means I’m coming up on the 30 day mark, which is a celebrated day in the world of recovery!  Its also a Sunday that we are all home together with no real plans. Another gorgeous fall Sunday! A Steeler Sunday and they won the game.  All of these things make for a wonderful day.

I do find myself a bit overwhelmed tonight and I am trying to figure out exactly why!  I got up in time to get to church with my son, fixed a healthy breakfast, went to the park with the hubby, 2 kids and big black lab, I got in some good exercise, watched a whole football game (something that I don’t get to do often with 2 kids), cut the grass, cooked dinner, did 2 on-line support meetings, and now this blog.  So why do I feel like I got nothing done!  I’m at peace with my day, it was a good day.  I think I just know I have a really busy week coming.  A week with even more temptations as all the Halloween festivities begin.

This week includes stuff going on all day and all night until next Saturday.  So... I am realizing now that I got this overwhelmed feeling when I started to think about quick but healthy meals we can eat this week… I automatically go back to my old unhealthy standards in my head.  Then I get sad that we can’t just order pizza all week!  Why would that make me SAD?  Well unless you are a food addict, it is hard to understand.

So before I started this blog, I couldn’t have told you what got me so overwhelmed tonight and now I know.  I also know that I need live this week ONE DAY AT A TIME! One moment at a time if I need to.  I need to enjoy this exciting time with my kids.  I need to get all the support I need this week so that I don’t lose my way in all this chaos and temptation.  If I focus on the moments, live my life and have a good time with all of our plans (instead of my normal get through the motions mentality) it will be a good week!  IT WILL BE A GOOD WEEK!!!

Bethel Bakery Cake!

This was a slow blog week.  I’ve had zero time to think!  But here I am on a Saturday night with some peace and quiet and a moment to write!  I am not however feeling witty and creative tonight, so bear with me! 

Day 27 is almost over.  I have still been able to maintain my eating goals.  I have not binged, very little compulsive eating, and no overeating.  Just water, tea and soy milk to drink. I’m still going strong!  Ok, maybe strong is not the right word.  But still sticking to my plan!  This week was kind of a back to life, back to reality sort of week.  I feel like the honeymoon phase is going away. The excitement of the whole thing is going away, especially when life gets in the way and I don’t have hours to devote to reading writing and food prep every day!

I had to eat at different times b/c of obligations that we had.  I just wanted fast food, but I figured out foods that I could have.  I still had to cook and do the work, but it wasn’t about the need to fill a void with fast food anymore.  It was about not wanting to do the work to prepare a good hot meal at 8 at night on a crazy busy day!  But I did, and felt so much better that I did. 

I spent another day at my parents today.  This time it involved the BEST BIRTHDAY CAKE IN THE WORLD!  My whole family goes crazy for it.  No one can get enough.  My extended family members that have moved out of town, still request it for birthdays and celebrations.  My mom and my aunt are twins, and it was their birthday lunch at my parent’s house.  Again, I realized the roles I have assumed in my family to organize and plan and feed the whole group.  I have always been fine with this role.  As I have mentioned, I enjoy it.  After 15+ years of doing this, I can’t expect my family to just shift their thinking too.  Especially b/c I haven’t asked them to shift it for me.

Again, they supported me with words of encouragement, BUT who was the one cutting and serving the heavenly birthday cake???  Yes, it was me!  Me the food addict, me the one trying to change my life so that I can live past the age of 40, me the one who is only 27 days in to not eating sugar!  It was torture. I got all kinds of emotional… sad, mad, frustrated, hurt, and proud of myself all at the same time.  My husband of course was the first one to realize, oh, that is probably really hard for her to cut and serve the cake while the rest of my family yells out claiming their pieces with the most icing and their flavor choice for ice cream!  But I did it, I served it and I survived, I didn’t even lick the icing off of my fingers!!  But it really was a stressful 15 minutes to say the least. 

Just when I finished cutting and everyone was happy, my aunt says “what about yours?”  I just said no thanks, I’m trying to be really good right now.  She said, oh great, you’re going to make me feel guilty for eating cake on MY birthday.  I need to be “good” too, I mean look at me!  To which I responded, yes, but I still have a hundred pounds on you and if I don’t make some big changes I’m going to die.  She just said oh, ok, and turned around to finish her cake. 

I have always been the dramatic type, but this really is serious.  Its like the crouton thing, I know one piece of cake on a birthday is not going to kill me, but added all up they will.  Some day I hope to be in a place where I can have my slice of cake again, but for a while, I know that it will just lead to me continuing my destructive lifestyle.  So I have to remember that it is JUST food!  Heavenly delicious creamy goodness, but JUST food!    

Paying for a "Lazy" Tuesday

I learned this morning that even if it’s getting easier, I need to actively work on this thing EVERY day!  I need to have the support, so that I remain aware of this addiction.  Yesterday was a typical busy day, but all of the kids were very cranky, needy, and sick.  So I had much less time to work on myself.  I know that I am a busy mom of two (or more on babysitting days), and that life is going to happen.  But yesterday I could have made time for a meeting and more exercise. Last night however, I chose to lay on the couch and catch up on all the TV shows I had not watched. I thought I was pretty strong, and could take a ‘break’ from everything.  I felt good, I was tired and PMS-ing, BUT I didn’t eat anything last night! Then when I woke up this morning, the very first thing that popped into my head was, “I want to eat something bad for me!” 

WHAT?  One day of not focusing and I am paying for it!  Well, I said this was my job and I have to put my work in every day as if it were a job!  In a real work situation, you usually can’t take time off without scheduling it and planning things ahead of time.  That’s what I need to do.  I can’t just take a break because I feel lazy.  In the “real world” I could get fired… but in “my world” I could just stay this heavy and get sick!  Not worth it! 

The stinkin thinkin was starting to creep back in and starting to make me think that this is too much work.  I can’t let that happen because it isn’t too much work.  AND, when I do this work and eat right, I feel SO MUCH BETTER!!!  Why do we quit things that are good for us just to go back to destructive old habits?  Why is it comfortable to put garbage in our bodies?  Why do we dread exercise when it keeps us alive and healthy and we feel better afterwards?  Why do we doubt ourselves and what we deserve, or what we can accomplish?  If I could answer these questions, I guess I would be a millionaire!  I know I am not alone in these patterns of living.  Everywhere I look there are people living the same lifestyle that I have for years!

So I am doing my best to put and end to that lifestyle and start a new one!  Today is day 24 of this leg of my journey!  I have stuck to my eating plan and my goals for all 24 days!  I used to think about dieting with such sadness and stress.  When I would buy “healthier” snacks and “diet” by eat everything I wanted but in moderation, I still felt guilty and I didn’t understand why? I now know that I felt guilty b/c I am an addict.  My drug of choice is food.  If a recovering alcoholic walked into a bar and just had one beer, they would feel guilty!

When I first tried to learn about food addiction a few years ago, I got so overwhelmed!  I mean it’s not like drugs, alcohol, or a gambling addiction.  You can’t QUIT eating!  This time I have learned that it is not about just eating, but about the food I eat, and the relationship I have to certain foods, like sugar and fat.  It is about making a plan of what you are going to eat and doing your best to stick to that plan.  I am trying not to eat on impulse, even if it is just a juicy and delicious apple on the counter that catches my eye. If I did not think about eating it until I saw it, than I am eating it for the wrong reasons.  It is a total shift in thinking and I am making so much progress, but little relapses in that thinking happen several times a day.  I have not acted on them, but I am constantly aware of food, even though I am not hungry most of the time, food is still a part of my day all day!   It was getting easier, but the “will power” and excitement is starting to fade.  All the more reason to fill myself everyday with the energy and tools and spiritual strength I need to push through!