When It Rains It Pours

I feel like my life has always had a "kick me when I'm down" theme.  I often wonder if it is just me that feels this way?  Obviously not, or there wouldn't be sayings like "kick me when I'm down" and "when it rains, it pours."  I am wondering recently if it is an 'addict' thing?  Like are we just more sensitive to it because of a lack of coping mechanism outside of our addiction?  Same thing with the "woe is me" reaction that I get when things go wrong?  I don't know if it is addict thing, a learned behavior, or if it is just who I am, but I am trying to change that.  I have been reminded again this week, that I don't have to change it.  I just have to make the right decisions and God will do the rest.

I had a bad week as far as stupid food.  Well, not so much a bad week, but a bad few hours.  I had a crazy busy few hours this past week. My daughter was throwing a temper tantrum about wanting candy while I was running around like an asshole trying to get stuff done and out the door.  So I grabbed her candy and took it with us.  Before I even knew what was happening I had eaten a mini Kit Kat and mini Reese's cup!  WHAT THE F?!?   I survived HALLOWEEN without even licking my fingers!!!!  But one week of letting my guard down and not working on my recovery and I do that???

So I beat myself up about it, I get pissed off, I tell myself I won't do it again.  Then two hours later, I go through the drive thru at Wendy's and get the a chicken sandwich AND fries AND a Diet Coke!  UGH!!!  So I eat it, telling myself I already ate the candy, I hadn't eaten lunch, so it was OK!  After every last salty delicious fry was gone, I knew that I had messed up.  But I stopped.  I prayed.  I knew that this moment could be just that, a moment that I "slipped."  That I made a mistake.  That it didn't have to mean total relapse.

I vowed to get on the computer and e-mail my sponsor the MINUTE I got in the door.  I have not needed to do that YET; to check in with a fellow addict after a slip!!!  So I get in the door, sign on immediately, and as I open my e-mail, there was already an e-mail from my sponsor.  She sent it TWO minutes before I logged on!  I was like WOW, God is in control, he had her thinking about me right when I needed it.  I opened the e-mail with so much anticipation, like it was going to tell me I won the lottery or something!  Then my stomach sank... One sentence, saying sorry, I've decided to leave the program to start a different journey...  awesome.  Bring on the woe is me...  kick me when I'm down... when it rains it pours!

So I spent the next few hours pissed off.  I told my hubby that I was going to quit too.  I was done!  So I left my family to their dinner and went up stairs to my bed to wallow in my misery and play mindless computer games until I fell asleep.  I turned on the laptop, looked at the time, and it hit me that an on-line meeting was starting in one minute!

So I logged in to my first meeting in a week, shared my day almost immediately and felt so much love and support.  I knew in that moment that I couldn't give up.  That I was not as alone as I felt!  Then, I had someone reach out to me and offer to pick up sponsoring me where I was.  I felt humbled.  Why did I doubt so much?  My bad day of big slips turned into yet another fresh start!  Slowly but surely I am working on being more positive and learning to roll with the punches!  So for now, I am picking myself up, putting on my rain gear, and splashing in the puddles!

Pittsburgh's Goin to the Super Bowl

Pittsburgh's Goin to the Super Bowl!

I am a Pittsburgh girl... born and bred to bleed black and gold.   I CANNOT describe what it is like to be a football fan in this great city.  We are the Pittsburgh Steelers.  The only NFL team to win 6 Super Bowl Championships.  The best thing about  being a Steelers Fan is being part of something so BIG!  

Steelers fans do not just reside in Pittsburgh.  It really is a Steelers Nation. 

One of the reasons for this was that when the big booming steel industry started to die down, jobs were lost, and many people had to move away from Pittsburgh and make homes in other cities.  They may have left the Burgh behind, but they took with them their Steelers Pride. There are Steelers bars all over this country.  Since that time, many others have moved for countless reasons, but you can't take away the Steeler fan attitude that means so much!  If you are not a true Steeler fan, you cannot understand what it feels like to be one.  It is beyond the sport.  It is a religion!

To be a Steeler fan living in Pittsburgh is the best feeling in the world.  The electric emotional feeling I get when I watch those boys run out onto the field, terrible towels waving, pure passion pulsing through everyone's veins, cannot even be put into words.  It brings me to tears almost every time!  As of last night, it is official...  we are heading to the Super Bowl again!  I cannot wait for these next two weeks!! 

To live here in this City is something that I am very grateful for.  I have learned so much about being proud of where you came from, about respecting our history, and about how to work hard, live hard, play hard and love hard.  On days like these, the excitement and anticipation can be truly felt just walking out of your house.  Excitement, passion, joy, and absolute faith in our team are evident everywhere.

I wish I could face each day with this same excitement and joy.  I know that my little life is not something that my city will be behind cheering for, but I want to make the decision right now to have that kind of belief and faith in myself, and in God, everyday.  The same kind of faith and belief that my great city has for the Pittsburgh Steelers!  I wont have theme songs and news coverage and a towels waving to cheer me on every step of the way.  But if I can wake up everyday with that kind of excitement about life, I know that I can make even bigger changes and get out of this "stuck" place that I have been in for the last few weeks.

So my preparations for this years big game won't be about food planning for the parties.  No Pierogies, chipped ham barbecues, chips, dips and Iron City for me...  Just soaking in the energy that is out there and using it to make more positive changes in my life!

I Can Move Mountains

Maintaining recovery from this food addiction is very much like maintaining my mountains of laundry.  If I can stay on top of it, then it doesn't feel so overwhelming.  If I do a load or two of laundry a day then I don't get stuck with mountains of laundry that are overwhelming. Obviously, based on the picture below, I have not been able to do that!!

If I do my meetings and my readings and put in the work that it takes to remain aware of this disease, then it isn't so overwhelming.  If I live it one day at a time I don't get angry and scared.

I have always hated laundry.  I love the feeling when it is done, but because I hate every minute of that particular chore, I blow it off.  I wait until no one in this house has anything to wear.  When my husband has to wear the hot tamale flannel boxer shorts that I bought him for valentines day eight years ago, I know it is way past time to start the dreaded task!  If I could just make myself stick to a laundry routine, it would not SUCK so bad.

As opposed to the laundry, I actually enjoy taking care of myself and working on my recovery.  It makes no sense to me why I can't get into a daily routine with it.  When I do work on it routinely, I feel so good about it all.  I feel positive.  I want to exercise.  I want to learn as much as I can about how I got this way and what it takes to make the necessary changes.  When I pray and focus on my recovery, I feel like I can move mountains.

So my continued goal is to carve out daily time for me and this journey.  I don't know what it will take for me to learn how to maintain the chores in this house.  But, if I can recover from this crazy ass disease like I have been, if I can move those mountains one day at a time, SURELY I can move my mountains of laundry too.... right????

What Do I Want to Be When I Grow Up?

Part of living in the haze of food addiction is just settling for the life you have created around you, believing that you don't deserve more or better.  My adult days, up until starting this journey, have honestly just been about going through the motions.  Being numb, anxious, irritable, and not even thinking that it could be better.  All I wanted in life was to take care of my kids.  To be there for them. I have been here, but have not been my best self and have not been as good to them as I could have been.  That is changing. I know it is. But on my "blah" days, I just get upset about how much more I could have done.  I cannot live in the past and need to keep moving...  But then I stress about the future.  I need to master this living in the NOW thing!  

Lately as the haze is lifting and I am feeling better about my life in general, I realize just how unfulfilled I am at times.  I know that I am getting better.  I am being a better mother.  There is much less TV and much more mommy time.  I am able to better manage my time so that I do not feel like I need to be doing 500 other things than what my kids need and want me to do.  But I have also been worried lately about what ELSE I can do with my life.  I am grateful to have this time to work on me and to be home with my kids, BUT I need to know what else I am going to be able to do when my daughter starts school.  I would love to just blog and write and help other people start their own journey, but that doesn't pay the bills! 

I have a degree.... a four year degree from a good school and an accredited social work program.  But it means very little.  Much less than I thought it would mean.  The reason that I am a stay at home mom is that it is not worth working and paying for day care to bring home very little money.  It is incredibly frustrating to continue to pay over $200 for my school loan every single month (for what feels like the rest of my life) when I can't even use my education! 

Some days I struggle with that part of my life more than others.  There are babysitting days when I am pulling my hair out, getting paid shit money to take care of other peoples needy kids, that I dream about running away.  Running away to a place that I am only a career woman, living alone, waking up without taking care of the needs of pets and small children before my own.  I know that is selfish!  I know that if I honestly think about life without my family I am sad. I know that I am not meant to be some career driven, high class woman who knows exactly what she wants out of life.  But some times I feel like I just want to know what I am going to be when I grow up!

God Grant Me The Serenity

Stress and anxiety... A recurring theme in my life! I wish that  I could say that this process has already relieved me of all of these issues that I suffer with.  But, I know there is no quick fix.  And, just as I will always have this disease of addiction, I think I will always have the anxiety issues as well.  But its learning how to cope and move on that is making a differnce in my life.  


 I know I have already seen a huge difference.  My anxiety on a daily basis has not been as bad!  I do not overstress about everything.  I am not consumed with negative thoughts and a desire to eat them away.  They still pop up every once in a while, sometimes a few times a day, but not all day every day, and that to me is HUGE!


As soon as there is a "change" in my life however, I start to get that pit in my stomach.  The racing heart, the irritability and short temper come quickly, often before I even realize that I am stressed out!  These changes can be as simple as a doctor appointment for me, my husband or my kids...  or a day like today when school is canceled and I don't know if I'm babysitting, will I have to drive in the snow, etc.


Nothing gets me more stressed than someone starting to get sick...  especially my daughter.  She has a bladder reflux issue that she takes an antibiotic for on a daily basis. Most days, I don't even remember that she has it.  But it isn't getting better and no one has real answers for us about what to do.  Do we wait it out and hope it heals itself?  What if the waiting it out has a permanent effect on her kidneys? What if we do the surgery that isn't guaranteed to fix it, and there is some kind of complication?  Right now, we have decided with the guidance of the doctor, to wait a little longer and hope for the best.

We found out that she had this problem when she had a seizure at 11 months old.  This was very close to the scariest thing that has ever happened to me.  I now know that febrile seizures are pretty common, and they don't often have any effect on kids later in life.  But when my baby was shaking violently and I was having a full body panic attack, nothing else mattered.  My husband was on the phone with 911 and I was trying to help my baby girl...  then her little body went limp and lifeless for a few seconds, I wanted to die right then and there! 


Fast forward three years to last night.  A normal night.  It was snowing pretty hard outside, the kids were excited, I was starting to fix dinner, and was a little worried about my husband getting home, but all was well.  Then the kids saw our neighbors playing outside in the snow.  Of course they wanted to go out too.  At first I was a little overwhelmed.  Dinner was started, dishes needed done, I had "things" to do.  But I told myself, suck it up.  Enjoy life.  That is what I am working on...  letting go!


So I turn off the stove, bundle us up and head outside to play!  I was diving and running and having fun.  I am feeling good.  Feeling strong and definitely noticing the changes in my body and in my energy.  Then only after like ten minutes of being outside, my daughter starts to cry.  I figured she was tackled by her brother, or had snow in her boots etc.  But she is crying that her "pee parts" hurt.  GREAT!  I try to distract her, we keep playing, but she is not getting better.  


Inside we go, unbundle, and she is now SCREAMING!  This goes on for a good thirty minutes.  I finally get her to calm down, thanks to Dora the Explorer.  Give her some ibuprofen and her antibiotics, get her to eat some yogurt, and then within the hour she feels better.  But then I can't help but freak out for the rest of the night.  My nice relaxing evening turns into me obsessing about middle of the night seizures in a snow storm.  


This morning she is fine, all is well, but I feel like I am still "coming down" from the stress and anxiety.  This is when I want to eat. And eat. And eat.  But I haven't.  I shoveled the driveway and the walks, I had my oatmeal, and have been blogging away.  I am processing all of this.  Working on my anxiety and my reactions to it.


The one constant that most people know about recovery groups is the Serenity Prayer.  This prayer has been most helpful to me in regards to my anxiety, more so than with my food addiction.  As I shoveled away all of the snow this morning, I sang it over and over in my head.  

I will never stop worrying about my kids.  I will always want to do everything I can to keep them safe.  But I need to keep living and not miss out on life.  I can only focus on the things that I can control and continue to give the rest to God! 

 Amen

 

Plateau

I have been at the same weight for weeks!  Up and down a pound or two and that is it!  I was ok with that because it was the holiday's and I didn't GAIN weight.  More importantly I didn't relapse with my disease! Which I know is the most important thing!!

I have gotten a little lazy as far as putting in the work.  I have not been overeating, but I also have not been doing as much as I could be doing for my recovery.  I know I can do more.  I have not been going to meetings as often.  I have not been doing my daily reading and work like I was for the first 70 days or so.  When I stop focusing on that part, this whole thing becomes more of a "diet" again!  I do not want this to feel like a diet!  That is when I am tempted to give up!  This is a life change!

So as I have learned thus far, this thing is one day at a time.  Just because I have not lost much recently and just because I have lost some of my spiritual and mental concentration, does not mean that I can quit!  I can start again right now!  I have started over right now.  I read my "For Today" reading.  I have prayed.  I am blogging.  Today I will read some of my other recovery readings and attend and on-line meeting. 

I need to make exercise part of my DAILY routine.  I really struggle with how and when to fit it in to my life.  I need to just do it when I can.  I want to have a set time, but I am never good at that!  As a stay at home mom no day is ever the same!  So when the kids are good and content... that needs to be when I exercise.  I have tried the early morning thing so many times...  I just can't make it work!  Although I would like to.  Maybe I can just try it one day a week or something for now!

Oh well, I'll figure it out.

Today's goals:  Exercise, Meeting, Read and figure out how to break through this plateau!!!!

Wordless Wednesday - The world through the eyes of my little man!

 Gamma bought Jack his own digital camera

for his Birthday!  These are just a FEW 

of the pictures he has taken!    

Totally unrelated to my weight loss journey :)    

Self Portrait