Thursday, September 30, 2010

One year to a healthier ME

Day ONE:  Wow, where to start!?!  Well, a little about me I Guess. 

I am:  Fat
 ....  really that's all I can think of?    NOT GOOD

I am:  A food addict and compulsive overeater
I am:  A mom, of the stay at home variety.  2 kids, boy-7 girl-3.  I love them, I do, but its been hard lately while I am struggling with my own issues and trying to focus on myself. = guilt

I am: A wife.  I have an AMAZING husband.  He's young, athletic, cute, and not fat.  = guilt

I am: A daughter.  I grew up in a stereotypical perfect happy home in suburbia ...  my parents are still happy and still married.  I know I am truly blessed in that.  So I can't blame my parents for everything.  I know that they love me and that they did their best.  However, I was never taught to have confidence, I always felt not good enough and undeserving.  I was pretty much told to suck it up when it came to problems, and I am not a suck it up person. So then I felt rejected and defective when I was going through something emotional and it overwhelmed me.   I do have "mother issues" but what daughter doesn't?  My mom has her own weight "problem" too.  She would get upset if someone made her feel fat, which I never really understood b/c she is fat.  She never wanted to go to the doctor for fear that they would tell her she was fat.  She dragged us along on her own journey of self hatred and sadness that goes along with overeating.    When she was fat and eating bad, it was ok for us to be fat and eat bad too...  food was happy and rewarding and satisfying.  Then she would shift her lifestyle and we had to too...  BUT then she would pick on us for eating bad, and make us feel bad for gaining weight...  even to this day, when she is losing weight and feeling good, she brings us down, picks on us, makes us feel like there is something wrong with us. Its like she walks around with this judgey attitude of "i figured out how to lose weight and you didn't!" It makes me CRAZY!!!!   --- told you there were "mother issues"  But I would also like to say that my mother is an AMAZING woman.  A woman that has given so much of herself to everyone!  I relate to her more and more every day.  Both of my parents are wonderful people that I strive to be more like all the time!

I am: a sister.   I can go into the same issues all over again with that.  I am the oldest sister, the fixer, the "responsible", goody-two shoes sister.  One sister is two years younger than me and one is 7 years younger than me, so we have very different relationships that change as we change.  When it comes to weight though, we have a hard time being supportive of each other... I don't know why, I think maybe it is because when one is succeeding in losing weight we feel worse about ourselves, so if we all still battle it then we don't feel as bad about ourselves....  its stupid and selfish  and I want that to change!

I am: a giver/rescuer.  I am always coming to everyone's rescue and taking care of everyone else.  I enjoy it for some reason. I like to take care of people. I have a degree in social work, and if it paid more money I would be still working in the field of helping people.  But I need to rescue myself, and put myself at the top of my list!  

I am:  Tired. Tired of feeling sick and tired.  I need to make this change and I need to make it NOW!  If I don't I am going to DIE.  So far I have NO major medical issues that are a result of my weight but I am a ticking time bomb.  I know that I want a better life for me and my family.  I want to be happy and positive and healthy and excited to live my life again.  I want anxiety and stress to not consume me and I want to succeed in conquering this hold that FOOD has had over my life!

So.... as of today I am a 30 year old wife, mother, sister, daughter, and friend....  who weighs 310 lbs. Who has not been living life to my full potential.  So this is MY YEAR.  My year to take care of me.  Put myself first.  Love myself and my family enough to make this change in myself so that I stop dragging them along this painful unhealthy path with me.

So thats it for today.  

Tomorrow I will share my plan and my goals for the next 365 days!