Sunday, February 27, 2011

My Aching Back

Oh  my goodness...  My blog work has gotten worse.  I am having a hard time right now.  I am working on being more positive.  I want to be a glass half full kind of person.  I use to be!  Its who I strive to be again!!  For a long time I was living a glass half empty kind of life and didn't even know it.  People started to point it out to me.  Its kind of like being fat and the denial that comes with it as well. In my head, I was only a little overweight and a happy, positive person...  The rest of the world saw a very heavy person with a negative attitude.

My biggest problem is being negative with the self talk in my head.  I have talked about it before, but I am SO MEAN to myself.  It is a habit that I developed as a teenager.  Beating myself up for not being good enough.  Telling myself that I can't be better.  That I don't deserve better.  I hate that this started in me then and that I never got a handle on it as I became an adult and a mother in my early twenties.

The truth is that is why I am having a hard time blogging and doing the work I need to be doing for my recovery.  Digging deep and finding out when and why I started to treat myself this way is a painful process. It is not something that I can fix quickly.  But I am working hard to be kind to myself.  I am always teaching my children to be kind to others, but I am missing the key element of kindness.  That it has to start within yourself first.  My children see me hating myself.  Even if most of the hate happens in my head, it is evident on the outside as well.

The thing is, every time I say to myself, I am going to be better, to do better, something else happens to make that harder.  This week I haven't written because I hurt my back.  I have been in a very grumpy mood about it.  I was in A LOT of pain all last week.  I refused to go to the doctor for the first few days.  The negative self talk during that time was taking a toll on me.   I didn't want to hear from the doctor that b/c of my weight, my pain was worse.  I just kept calling myself an asshole because I tripped over a basket that I put at my own feet and forgot about it.  Beating myself up for the way I got hurt, DID NOT help me at all.  Doing TOO much and not taking the time to rest and recover DID NOT help!

The way that I have reacted to this injury is just a small example of how I treat myself everyday.  Not taking time to do the things I NEED to do to take care of myself.  Beating myself up for mistakes I have made.  Feeling lonely and like a burden because I have to depend on other people to help me sometimes.  This was ALL magnified this week with hurting my back.

On Friday, I realized that this pattern of treating myself like this was NOT going to help me get better.  I decided to get to the doctor and get help.  Well the doctor was nice to me.  Didn't say one word about my weight.  Gave me the Medication I need to heal and sent me home to rest.  My little sister came up and helped me with the kids and my house.  My husband has been great to me, waiting on me and not letting me do too much.  He even stopped and got flowers and a balloon for the kids to give me to cheer me up!

I am spending another day in my bed today recovering.  But for three days I suffered because I was not willing to be kind to myself and take care of myself.  I was filled with anger and resentment and didn't want to move on.  Now that I have taken care of myself, I feel SO much better.  I need to remember this as I continue on with this journey.  I do not need to suffer alone. I need to be kind to myself and stop beating myself up especially about things that I cannot control.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Hit Me With Your Best Shot

Here we go again...  I think things are ok, then... Bam.  Life happens.  I have still been struggling with my motivation.  Trying to be kind to myself.  I had to once again stop, and refocus.  Saying to myself... no matter what there will ALWAYS be stress.  I need to deal with it (without using food) and move on.  The end of last week, my attitude was "hit me with your best shot."  I felt like I can handle it and keep moving. WELL... I shouldn't have put that challenge out there into the universe! 

Our weekend was one of those dreaded weekends married couples have.  The ones where we sit down to do our taxes and review where we are financially.  I thought we were doing a little better than we were.  Ok, a lot better.  My husband didn't want to worry me or cause me more stress while I have been working so hard to make these positive changes in my life...  I mean, we aren't going to lose our house at this point or anything.  BUT, after Christmas, and medical bills, and having hubby's truck fixed and inspected recently...  things were not looking great!

Enter the stress factor.  I start to think about going back to work, or babysitting more, or something... ANYTHING.  I get nervous to start babysitting for new people that I don't know.  I tend to get taken advantage of.  Largely my fault b/c I want to help people.  Last year, I was babysitting for a family that decided they didn't need me anymore.  They still owed me $100 dollars.  While talking to one of my BFF's about this hesitation to babysit again, she said, they never paid you the rest of your money, did they?  I told her no, and I never expected them to.  Its ok, they were struggling, I didn't really care and $100 dollars doesn't make or break us.

Well after this weekend, that hundred dollars makes a difference this week.  So while making dinner last night, there is a knock on my door.  It is the family that owed me money from OVER a YEAR ago.  She has a card for me and my money!  What???  REALLY??  I haven't even thought about them in months, and now right after I talked about it, they show up?!?!  I was in really good spirits.  I felt like the universe was on my side!!!  "See world, hit me with your best shot!"  Everything works out.  I kiss my husband, dance around the kitchen ready to take on the world again. 

Then my hubby leaves to take my son to CCD.  Within three minutes of them walking out the door, the phone rings...  "honey, we're ok, but I messed up the truck!"  Crash!  Crash for the truck spinning on  ice.  Crash to my mood and my optimism.  BIG FAT CRASH!!!!!!  It could have been worse...  The road they were on is dangerous.  My guys were fine.  No one was hurt!  My son was shaken up because it was really scary!  The truck lost a wheel, but no body damage.  All could have been MUCH worse. 

The police officer who came to help, drives my husband up the hill, he needs to get money to pay the tow truck.  No real words are spoken as I walk over, open the card I was so thrilled to get just 20 minutes earlier...  And hand my husband the cash!   I was left standing in the kitchen alone, feeling defeated again!

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Tales of Flying Cheeseburgers and Gravy

Why am I an angry person?  Why does this psycho live down deep inside me?  I can be fine for days!  Weeks now that I have been on this journey.  Then something stressful and annoying happens and I flip the BEEP out!  I know that I have been doing it for as long as I can remember.  As a little girl at my sisters.  I remember getting in trouble for it. As a teenager at my mother. I once ripped a cheeseburger in half, screamed and threw it in her face.  I have thrown chairs at walls and broken door jams during teenage fights with my parents.  I bit my baby sister once.  When I say that, it sounds like I was little and bit my sister... no big deal.  But she was like 7 which made me 14!  She was in front of me on the floor and was bugging me.  I bit her shoulder...  HARD!!!  In college a threw a pot of gravy at my best friend because she was chewing loudly to intentionally piss me off! These are a few glimpses into the psycho me world that I am referring to.

I was told I was crazy, emotionally unstable, by the people I love.  But doctors told me I was fine.  I know it is not "normal."  As I write this, I feel the shame I have felt with each of those incidences.  Like this anger is a deep dark secret.  I want to delete this and stop writing. Each time I react with this kind of anger, I HATE MYSELF.  It has definitely contributed to my low-self esteem.  I immediately wish I could take back what had just happened.  In the past, it has made me feel suicidal for brief moments, only because I didn't want to even face myself and didn't know how to stop the anger.  I am embarrassed, humiliated, I feel STUPID and don't like any part of "that" me!

I do NOT hurt my children, I do NOT beat my husband, I am NO longer suicidal about my anger, I've been over that for years!  I lose my patience, I yell and scream, I say things I don't mean, but I am not at a point that I am afraid of my anger.  It just frustrates me now because I don't want to have it in me anymore.  I also want to know WHY it is there at all.  I did not have a screwed up abusive childhood to make me have this resentment and anger. I was given all that I could have asked for and more.  SO... WHY???   That is one thing that I am trying to resolve so that I can be free of this addiction.

Last night, I was ANGRY.  I don't really know why?  Money, bills, stress, normal life...  but I had LITTLE patience.  I can feel it starting to boil.  I feel my jaw clench, my anxiety rise, tightness in my chest.  I try to walk away.  To calm down.  To not be frustrated.  But as soon as the process starts, it is HARD to stop sometimes.  Before I know it, one bickering moment between my children results in me screaming and yelling and slamming things.  Last night, I slammed a door and a picture frame fell off the wall and broke.  The irony was what set me off was my son was being destructive to our house again.  Way to lead by example!!!  UGH!

As soon as I am alone, I can calm myself down...  It use to be with food.  Now I have to stop and pray and gather myself.  The problem is, it comes back so quickly, and I don't usually get my time alone when I need it.  I am just irritable for the next 24 hours or so after one of my freak outs! This morning I am having an anger hang-over.  Still feeling angry at myself for having those reactions.  My kids don't care or notice.  They greeted me with hugs and kisses and demands for cereal and juice.  All my husband has to do is look at me and I start crying.  I was feeling the shame build, so I thought, why not write about it and tell the world?  I need to quit burying these feelings after they happen.  That is the best I can do for today.  Hope no one tries to have me committed :)

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Lazy Blogger

I am getting blog lazy!  I want to blog more!!  But I am kind of at a place in my recovery that is hard to process and put into words.  It is a part that involves picking myself apart and trying to figure out why I feel and act the way I do.  Looking back at all the areas of my life that have had a big enough impact to shape how I view myself and the world.  Trying to discover why I feel the need to bury those feelings under serving and serving of unhealthy food!

Doing this while abstaining from overeating is hard to do.  It is the only way to get deep and bring any old feelings back up. Because under the food haze of overeating you don't think about any of the reasons you are eating.  But it is really hard to not go back to the old coping mechanisms and to not hide from any of it again.  Temptations are back and harder to resist.  My ego has been telling me that I don't really  have a problem and I don't need to go through all this.  Thankfully, I have not clouded my thinking with food, so I am able to snap out of it fairly quickly when that happens.  But, I have had a constant battle in my head for the past few weeks.  And the only way to get through it, is to keep on pushing and learning and moving on!

I am learning about my own personality flaws.  About the negative behaviors I have learned and how they keep me from being the best me I can be.  My need to make everyone happy.  My desire to rescue and save anyone but myself.  I hate confrontation.  I have to be "right".  I don't take responsibility for some of my feelings.  For example, NO ONE can MAKE me feel anything.  "SHE made me feel stupid."  Or "HE made me want to eat."  Those are MY reactions... and if I can stay aware of them, I can change them, and not dwell, and hide, and eat, and snowball into depression. 

So that is my update about where I am right now.  Its not a bad place to be, but it has been a tough place to be. I am learning more and more not to focus on the weight loss.  I am learning that it can ONLY about being free from the desire to overeat.  It is still hard to not let my mind and my ego take control when I get discouraged with my body.  Some days are better than others.  I have had days when I have eaten more than I should, or some foods that I should not eat.  BUT they have still not resulted in a backslide... which for ME means that I am DEFINITELY making progress.  One of the best things I have learned recently is that this process is about progress not perfection!!!!