Friday, June 17, 2011


Geez, these blog posts keep getting further and further apart!  This "Journey to a Healthier Me" has been much different than I thought it would be, taking different paths that were not on my "planned" route.   I honestly started this process thinking primarily of changing my physical health by losing weight. I knew that dealing with this food addiction would involve facing my feelings and making changes in my mental and spiritual health,  but I thought that I would be able to do that by losing weight.  Instead I have learned that the opposite is true.   That I need to first change my mental and spiritual health, and that will help me to be able to let go and lose the weight.

This journey has led me to a place that I have been avoiding for a while... therapy!  I don't even know exactly why I have avoided therapy.  I mean I have my degree in Mental Health Social Work, and whole-heartedly believe in the process... for other people.

One of the reasons I have become so unhealthy in so many areas of my life is because of avoidance. I have avoided feeling any uncomfortable feelings for years now.  I have done this by eating to numb feelings.  I have done this by avoiding situations where I would feel uncomfortable.  By doing so, I have made myself physically unhealthy with too much food, I have let my anxiety and stress snowball out of control, and I have missed out on some great experiences.

I have come to the realization that I can't avoid things anymore.  I took a break from blogging, even avoiding blogging, because it started to get uncomfortable to share my feelings. But if I am going to be genuine about this journey and about what it will take to get to the healthier me, I must stop avoiding.  So, after a few really bad weeks in a row, I made an appointment with a therapist.

I have been going weekly for about a month now and I can already see changes in myself.  At first it made the food thing harder because I was starting to eat again to numb the feelings that were being brought up in my sessions and throughout the weeks.  But I have pulled myself back in with that part and learning all over again, that it is easier to maintain an abstinence from overeating than is is to get it back after losing it.

I am learning a lot about myself and about relationships.  I am now accepting the fact that I am codependent and that I need to make some major changes in my life.  I have to spend much less time consumed with other people's problems, needs, wants and desires and focus on my own.  I need to continue to heal and to break these chains that have held me back for so long... Even if it means experiencing and feeling things that make me uncomfortable.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Mothers Day

I have had a lot of people reaching out to me, checking in to see how I am doing...  I am so grateful that I have these people in my life.  I have to be honest, I am still struggling.  I am trying really hard to take care of myself, and I have had great days, BUT I have had some low days lately too.  My depression has been bad for some reason.  It happens EVERY May, I don't know why!  I don't even think about it before it happens, so its not like I am waiting for my "May depression" to hit!  My sister and I decided that April showers bring May depression! (I must also add that it was a record breaking rainfall for Pittsburgh this April.)

Anyways, I started this Mothers Day feeling guilty because I haven't felt like the best mom lately.  I felt like I was not being a very good mom at all.  When I get down like this it is hard to be there for my kids.  It is hard to want to take care of their every need when I feel like I can barely take care of my own.  So then I start with the beating myself up again.  Feeling not good enough.  Feeling like I am failing my children.  Then the stupid anger starts, at myself only, but then I take it out on my kids.  Just not being as patient as I could be.  I HATE to hear myself talking to them when I am not being kind.  A few times in the past month, I have felt so guilty after yelling that I have completely shut down, crying myself to sleep over it.

So when Mother's Day rolled around this year, I was not feeling very positive.  I prayed hard when I fell asleep last night that I would have a peaceful day with my children. I prayed that I would enjoy my time with them and appreciate every moment.  I didn't want gifts or cards telling me how great I was.

So instead of waking up to cheesy cards, breakfast in bed, and the hanging baskets that I have gotten every year, we slept in.  ALL of us. We took our time getting out the door with NO big fan fare about me being Mommy of the year.  On our way to my parents house, my son gave my a tea pot picture that they made in the second grade.  The poem on it read, "I will try my best in every way to be extra sweet on Mother's Day.  But if you become upset with me, please relax and have a cup of tea."  It was so simple, but perfect, AND it reminded me that ALL mothers get frustrated with their kids sometimes.  I told myself right then and there to QUIT being so hard on myself.

Then my husband handed me a card while he was driving.  I rolled my eyes at him and got nervous about the mushy "perfect mommy" card that I knew was inside the big white envelope.  I didn't even say a word and he said, "Just open it, its not what you think, Maddie picked it out."  My four year old picked it out by herself.  On the front was a picture of a cute little skunk and it said "Mom, I know I am a stinker, but you gotta admit, I'm a lovable stinker." Again, perfect, and just what I needed to hear.  Then my husband handed me a CD.  It was Pink's greatest hits.

I mentioned before Christmas that I wanted some new CD's, but was surprised he thought of that for Mother's Day.  He isn't exactly great with words. He has continued to be my rock and super supportive,  picking up the slack and being and AMAZING Daddy while Mommy has been 'sad'...  But he doesn't always know what to say to me when I am beating myself up and crying myself to sleep.  There are only so many times he can say the same things over and over again, so he doesn't say much. He just says that he loves me and we will get through this.  So when he gave me this Mothers Day gift, he said "the last song is for you and you need to love yourself more, because to us, you are perfect."  Then he said, "you just can't listen to it very loud right now with the kids in the car." 

The song is called Fuckin Perfect, and these are the lyrics:

Made a wrong turn, once or twice.
Dug my way out, blood and fire.
Bad decisions, that's alright.
Welcome to my silly life.
Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood.
Miss 'No way, it's all good', it didn't slow me down.
Mistaken, always second guessing, underestimated.
Look, I'm still around.

Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than fuckin' perfect.
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel like you're nothing,
You're fuckin' perfect to me

You're so mean when you talk about yourself; you were wrong.
Change the voices in your head; make them like you instead.
So complicated, look happy, you'll make it
Filled with so much hatred, such a tired game.
It's enough; I've done all I can think of.
Chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same.

Woah ohh, pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than fuckin' perfect.
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel like you're nothing,
You're fuckin' perfect to me.

So it was a very different Mothers Day, but it turned out to be pretty fuckin perfect!

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

I have never been very good at taking care of myself.  I am ashamed of it to some degree.  Bathing, brushing my teeth, putting on make-up, washing my face, wearing nicer clothes, drinking water and choosing healthy foods; these things take a lot of effort for me.  They have been at times overwhelming.  I get exhausted sometimes when I think of these things.  I feel lazy and I get a cloudy headed and tired feeling when I write all of this!  I don't take care of my basic needs like I should and I honestly cannot remember a time when I did.  I have never had a self-care routine that I have been able to stick to. My everyday life is very overwhelming to me and I HATE that.

I don't like myself very much.  I need to figure out why.  Until I can get to the root of this, I will never be able to move on with this journey.  Discovering and working on this part of myself is the reason why I have been feeling stuck.  It is the main reason I have not been blogging.  Admitting and letting go of my self resentments is very hard to do.  It is hard enough to be in this place and admit it to myself, let alone anyone else.

There are so many things that I don't like about myself and I am constantly mean to myself.  My negative self talk takes up the majority of my day and my thoughts.  I never realized just how MUCH I talk to, and about myself, negatively until I am making a conscious effort to change it!  I have honestly felt for years that I don't deserve my husband and my kids.  That I don't deserve health and happiness.  I have myself convinced that there is something so bad about myself that nobody would ever want to be a part of my life.  I wish I could tell you why.  This is what I am trying so hard to figure out. 

So, I know that I have not been very good at keeping up with the blog, and I wanted to express why.  When I started this thing, I told myself I would blog through the whole thing.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  I didn't realize how hard it would be.  But now I am being honest.  While I continue to slip with some food decisions, I have still not given up on myself.  Which means that I am making progress and that deep down, some part of me DOES believe that I deserve this change!  So here's to loving me and embracing this process.

A dear friend e-mailed me this week to check in on me and see why I had not been blogging.  At the end of her e-mail she included this quote:
"The road leading to a goal does not separate you from the destination; it is essentially a part of it." ~Charles DeLint

It reminded me that I cannot get to the end of this journey as a changed and better person if I don't go through the hard stuff.   

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Emotional Weekend

This weekend was really hard for me.  I don't know why it is harder right now as far as eating.  I want to eat.  Even if it is healthy food, I just want to eat.  When I know that I can't, I get emotional. When I started this in September and quit all the "bad stuff" cold turkey, I didn't get upset like this. I didn't grieve the food like I am now.

After this last few weeks, it has been emotional for me to start over.  My anxiety and depression are in overdrive.  I think I still want it all to make "sense."  I want it to just be easier.   Why can something as stupid and trivial as a food decision, send me on a tailspin into anger and sadness!?!   I was super irritable and quick tempered all weekend.  Its like I held myself together all week when I had to, and then when hubby was home  to help with the kids, I lost it.

Friday evening, I got upset because I wanted to eat something other than my planned healthy meal.  I couldn't even eat with my family.  I ate by myself and then retreated to my bedroom.  I fell asleep at 7:30 and woke up twelve hours later.  I never even stirred.  I didn't even know what time it was when I woke up.  My husband even slept in the guest room b/c I was sprawled out over our bed and was "passed out" as he put it.  He knew I needed the sleep and didn't want to disturb me.

As the weekend went on, I got a little better.  But I still felt sad and overwhelmed.  I know that it is because I am not working the Recovery Program with the same commitment and intensity as I was in September.  I am in the real "work" part of the steps still.  Going back into uncomfortable parts of my past and who I am.  Trying to heal the old pain that I have tried to cover with food.  Figuring out what all of that is can be very overwhelming.  Thus, the one day at a time mentality that is needed to succeed in any recovery program.

Sorry if this blog is all over the place.  I have been scatterbrained lately too!  In fact, that might have to be my next blog topic!  So, for today, I am going to focus on my recovery.  I am leaving now to take the dog for a walk in the sunshine and then I am going to get to a meeting!  I am going to continue this journey one day at a time...  But today is going to be a good day!

Thursday, March 24, 2011


Hello all!  I am still struggling with this whole blogging thing, and it is a reflection of how I am doing with this whole journey.  I have reached a place of half-assed-ness.  That is my new word.  Anyways... I still have all of the intentions to continue this Journey.  I am still mindful about what I have been putting in my body.  I have been trying to exercise.  BUT I HAVE BEEN CHEATING!  With all of it! I am making excuses! I still have not gained any weight, so then I justify it.  "See, I'll be able to maintain this weight loss!"   Um, HELLO...  I don't WANT to maintain a weight of 262!!!  I can't keep staying in this maintaining place.  I must move forward!!!

So, Onward I go. I feel like a broken record with these last few blogs!  I need to get my ass back in gear!  I need to WORK my recovery again.  I am once again in a place with no sponsor.  I don't really understand why God keeps testing me this way.  I feel like I am making progress, trusting someone...  Moving on with my work, and then it just stops.  But I am not alone.  I just need to reach out, particularly within my recovery program.

I am longing right now for a place where I don't feel so needy.  When I don't feel like I am searching for what will "fix" this.  I was finding that place and then I started to retreat.  I don't know why.  I guess the comfort of my old behaviors.  But WHY?  When they are so destructive and leave me mentally, physically, and spiritually drained.  What the heck am I afraid of?!?!  I am so sick of being afraid to live. Of letting my fears control my life. 
This past Sunday, my priest was talking about fear and moving forward through that fear.  He said "courage is fear that has said its prayers."  So tonight, I am praying about my fears and hoping to face tomorrow with the courage it takes to move forward! No more break, no more maintaining... No more half ass effort.  I need to give it my all!

Wednesday, March 9, 2011


Hi my name is Megan, and I am a compulsive overeater.  That simple sentence is very important.  Those words could save my life. Those words have significantly changed my life over the last few months.  I have chosen to ignore the impact of those words during the last two weeks.  I had survived many challenging situations until this point.  I was able to resist certain foods and constant eating.  I stopped grazing all day long.  I stopped having cravings for the sugary foods that have controlled my thoughts for years.  Then I fell and hurt my back. Then I got mad.

I lost control over my everyday world and little life around me.  I was not able to care for my family because I was in bed in pain.  I was not able to maintain the daily routine that has become my lifeline.  I was not able to shop and cook and do the things that I have been doing to take care of myself and my recovery during these past few months.  I was put on medications with the little red label which read "take with FOOD."  I mean, if the doctor and pharmacy are telling me that I HAVE to eat every two hours, its free pass right? 

I didn't make the worst food choices during my week of laying in bed and eating.  BUT I could have done things differently.  I stopped doing my meetings, my blogging, my reading, my working on me.  I could have used all of that down time to further my recovery.  Instead I took a break. 

I can't, and I'm not, beating myself up for this break.  I am ok, with the time that was my physical recovery.  It is the past 5 days that I am beating myself up for. When I started to feel better physically, I didn't get back into my routine.  I ate BAD foods.  I still haven't done meetings regularly.  I stopped my daily readings.  I gained a few pounds. My cravings and constant thoughts about food are BACK!

The important part is that I am acknowledging my "fall."  I am picking myself up, and I am going to allow myself to heal...  Just like I had to do with my back.  I feel like I am back to square one.  But I'm not.  I am armed with experience and so much more insight into this disease than I was in late September when I started this journey.  I know what I need to do....  Now I just have to do it!