Wednesday, April 13, 2011

I have never been very good at taking care of myself.  I am ashamed of it to some degree.  Bathing, brushing my teeth, putting on make-up, washing my face, wearing nicer clothes, drinking water and choosing healthy foods; these things take a lot of effort for me.  They have been at times overwhelming.  I get exhausted sometimes when I think of these things.  I feel lazy and I get a cloudy headed and tired feeling when I write all of this!  I don't take care of my basic needs like I should and I honestly cannot remember a time when I did.  I have never had a self-care routine that I have been able to stick to. My everyday life is very overwhelming to me and I HATE that.

I don't like myself very much.  I need to figure out why.  Until I can get to the root of this, I will never be able to move on with this journey.  Discovering and working on this part of myself is the reason why I have been feeling stuck.  It is the main reason I have not been blogging.  Admitting and letting go of my self resentments is very hard to do.  It is hard enough to be in this place and admit it to myself, let alone anyone else.

There are so many things that I don't like about myself and I am constantly mean to myself.  My negative self talk takes up the majority of my day and my thoughts.  I never realized just how MUCH I talk to, and about myself, negatively until I am making a conscious effort to change it!  I have honestly felt for years that I don't deserve my husband and my kids.  That I don't deserve health and happiness.  I have myself convinced that there is something so bad about myself that nobody would ever want to be a part of my life.  I wish I could tell you why.  This is what I am trying so hard to figure out. 

So, I know that I have not been very good at keeping up with the blog, and I wanted to express why.  When I started this thing, I told myself I would blog through the whole thing.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  I didn't realize how hard it would be.  But now I am being honest.  While I continue to slip with some food decisions, I have still not given up on myself.  Which means that I am making progress and that deep down, some part of me DOES believe that I deserve this change!  So here's to loving me and embracing this process.

A dear friend e-mailed me this week to check in on me and see why I had not been blogging.  At the end of her e-mail she included this quote:
"The road leading to a goal does not separate you from the destination; it is essentially a part of it." ~Charles DeLint

It reminded me that I cannot get to the end of this journey as a changed and better person if I don't go through the hard stuff.