Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Emotional Weekend

This weekend was really hard for me.  I don't know why it is harder right now as far as eating.  I want to eat.  Even if it is healthy food, I just want to eat.  When I know that I can't, I get emotional. When I started this in September and quit all the "bad stuff" cold turkey, I didn't get upset like this. I didn't grieve the food like I am now.

After this last few weeks, it has been emotional for me to start over.  My anxiety and depression are in overdrive.  I think I still want it all to make "sense."  I want it to just be easier.   Why can something as stupid and trivial as a food decision, send me on a tailspin into anger and sadness!?!   I was super irritable and quick tempered all weekend.  Its like I held myself together all week when I had to, and then when hubby was home  to help with the kids, I lost it.

Friday evening, I got upset because I wanted to eat something other than my planned healthy meal.  I couldn't even eat with my family.  I ate by myself and then retreated to my bedroom.  I fell asleep at 7:30 and woke up twelve hours later.  I never even stirred.  I didn't even know what time it was when I woke up.  My husband even slept in the guest room b/c I was sprawled out over our bed and was "passed out" as he put it.  He knew I needed the sleep and didn't want to disturb me.

As the weekend went on, I got a little better.  But I still felt sad and overwhelmed.  I know that it is because I am not working the Recovery Program with the same commitment and intensity as I was in September.  I am in the real "work" part of the steps still.  Going back into uncomfortable parts of my past and who I am.  Trying to heal the old pain that I have tried to cover with food.  Figuring out what all of that is can be very overwhelming.  Thus, the one day at a time mentality that is needed to succeed in any recovery program.

Sorry if this blog is all over the place.  I have been scatterbrained lately too!  In fact, that might have to be my next blog topic!  So, for today, I am going to focus on my recovery.  I am leaving now to take the dog for a walk in the sunshine and then I am going to get to a meeting!  I am going to continue this journey one day at a time...  But today is going to be a good day!

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