This weekend was really hard for me. I don't know why it is harder right now as far as eating. I want to eat. Even if it is healthy food, I just want to eat. When I know that I can't, I get emotional. When I started this in September and quit all the "bad stuff" cold turkey, I didn't get upset like this. I didn't grieve the food like I am now.
After this last few weeks, it has been emotional for me to start over. My anxiety and depression are in overdrive. I think I still want it all to make "sense." I want it to just be easier. Why can something as stupid and trivial as a food decision, send me on a tailspin into anger and sadness!?! I was super irritable and quick tempered all weekend. Its like I held myself together all week when I had to, and then when hubby was home to help with the kids, I lost it.
Friday evening, I got upset because I wanted to eat something other than my planned healthy meal. I couldn't even eat with my family. I ate by myself and then retreated to my bedroom. I fell asleep at 7:30 and woke up twelve hours later. I never even stirred. I didn't even know what time it was when I woke up. My husband even slept in the guest room b/c I was sprawled out over our bed and was "passed out" as he put it. He knew I needed the sleep and didn't want to disturb me.
As the weekend went on, I got a little better. But I still felt sad and overwhelmed. I know that it is because I am not working the Recovery Program with the same commitment and intensity as I was in September. I am in the real "work" part of the steps still. Going back into uncomfortable parts of my past and who I am. Trying to heal the old pain that I have tried to cover with food. Figuring out what all of that is can be very overwhelming. Thus, the one day at a time mentality that is needed to succeed in any recovery program.
Sorry if this blog is all over the place. I have been scatterbrained lately too! In fact, that might have to be my next blog topic! So, for today, I am going to focus on my recovery. I am leaving now to take the dog for a walk in the sunshine and then I am going to get to a meeting! I am going to continue this journey one day at a time... But today is going to be a good day!