Courage

Hello all!  I am still struggling with this whole blogging thing, and it is a reflection of how I am doing with this whole journey.  I have reached a place of half-assed-ness.  That is my new word.  Anyways... I still have all of the intentions to continue this Journey.  I am still mindful about what I have been putting in my body.  I have been trying to exercise.  BUT I HAVE BEEN CHEATING!  With all of it! I am making excuses! I still have not gained any weight, so then I justify it.  "See, I'll be able to maintain this weight loss!"   Um, HELLO...  I don't WANT to maintain a weight of 262!!!  I can't keep staying in this maintaining place.  I must move forward!!!

So, Onward I go. I feel like a broken record with these last few blogs!  I need to get my ass back in gear!  I need to WORK my recovery again.  I am once again in a place with no sponsor.  I don't really understand why God keeps testing me this way.  I feel like I am making progress, trusting someone...  Moving on with my work, and then it just stops.  But I am not alone.  I just need to reach out, particularly within my recovery program.

I am longing right now for a place where I don't feel so needy.  When I don't feel like I am searching for what will "fix" this.  I was finding that place and then I started to retreat.  I don't know why.  I guess the comfort of my old behaviors.  But WHY?  When they are so destructive and leave me mentally, physically, and spiritually drained.  What the heck am I afraid of?!?!  I am so sick of being afraid to live. Of letting my fears control my life. 
This past Sunday, my priest was talking about fear and moving forward through that fear.  He said "courage is fear that has said its prayers."  So tonight, I am praying about my fears and hoping to face tomorrow with the courage it takes to move forward! No more break, no more maintaining... No more half ass effort.  I need to give it my all!