Sunday, May 8, 2011

Mothers Day

I have had a lot of people reaching out to me, checking in to see how I am doing...  I am so grateful that I have these people in my life.  I have to be honest, I am still struggling.  I am trying really hard to take care of myself, and I have had great days, BUT I have had some low days lately too.  My depression has been bad for some reason.  It happens EVERY May, I don't know why!  I don't even think about it before it happens, so its not like I am waiting for my "May depression" to hit!  My sister and I decided that April showers bring May depression! (I must also add that it was a record breaking rainfall for Pittsburgh this April.)

Anyways, I started this Mothers Day feeling guilty because I haven't felt like the best mom lately.  I felt like I was not being a very good mom at all.  When I get down like this it is hard to be there for my kids.  It is hard to want to take care of their every need when I feel like I can barely take care of my own.  So then I start with the beating myself up again.  Feeling not good enough.  Feeling like I am failing my children.  Then the stupid anger starts, at myself only, but then I take it out on my kids.  Just not being as patient as I could be.  I HATE to hear myself talking to them when I am not being kind.  A few times in the past month, I have felt so guilty after yelling that I have completely shut down, crying myself to sleep over it.

So when Mother's Day rolled around this year, I was not feeling very positive.  I prayed hard when I fell asleep last night that I would have a peaceful day with my children. I prayed that I would enjoy my time with them and appreciate every moment.  I didn't want gifts or cards telling me how great I was.

So instead of waking up to cheesy cards, breakfast in bed, and the hanging baskets that I have gotten every year, we slept in.  ALL of us. We took our time getting out the door with NO big fan fare about me being Mommy of the year.  On our way to my parents house, my son gave my a tea pot picture that they made in the second grade.  The poem on it read, "I will try my best in every way to be extra sweet on Mother's Day.  But if you become upset with me, please relax and have a cup of tea."  It was so simple, but perfect, AND it reminded me that ALL mothers get frustrated with their kids sometimes.  I told myself right then and there to QUIT being so hard on myself.

Then my husband handed me a card while he was driving.  I rolled my eyes at him and got nervous about the mushy "perfect mommy" card that I knew was inside the big white envelope.  I didn't even say a word and he said, "Just open it, its not what you think, Maddie picked it out."  My four year old picked it out by herself.  On the front was a picture of a cute little skunk and it said "Mom, I know I am a stinker, but you gotta admit, I'm a lovable stinker." Again, perfect, and just what I needed to hear.  Then my husband handed me a CD.  It was Pink's greatest hits.

I mentioned before Christmas that I wanted some new CD's, but was surprised he thought of that for Mother's Day.  He isn't exactly great with words. He has continued to be my rock and super supportive,  picking up the slack and being and AMAZING Daddy while Mommy has been 'sad'...  But he doesn't always know what to say to me when I am beating myself up and crying myself to sleep.  There are only so many times he can say the same things over and over again, so he doesn't say much. He just says that he loves me and we will get through this.  So when he gave me this Mothers Day gift, he said "the last song is for you and you need to love yourself more, because to us, you are perfect."  Then he said, "you just can't listen to it very loud right now with the kids in the car." 

The song is called Fuckin Perfect, and these are the lyrics:

Made a wrong turn, once or twice.
Dug my way out, blood and fire.
Bad decisions, that's alright.
Welcome to my silly life.
Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood.
Miss 'No way, it's all good', it didn't slow me down.
Mistaken, always second guessing, underestimated.
Look, I'm still around.

Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than fuckin' perfect.
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel like you're nothing,
You're fuckin' perfect to me

You're so mean when you talk about yourself; you were wrong.
Change the voices in your head; make them like you instead.
So complicated, look happy, you'll make it
Filled with so much hatred, such a tired game.
It's enough; I've done all I can think of.
Chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same.

Woah ohh, pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than fuckin' perfect.
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel like you're nothing,
You're fuckin' perfect to me.

So it was a very different Mothers Day, but it turned out to be pretty fuckin perfect!


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