“Aren’t you frustrated?”

Today is Day 30!  Yay!  I really have made it thirty days?!?!  Thirty days of eating really healthy foods.  Thirty days of very little sugar! Thirty days of actively working on myself and my health!  I am actually pretty darn proud of myself!  I have lost 20 pounds, I have more energy, I feel better in general.  Already I can feel the changes in my body.  I know I still have a very long long way to go. In fact, I have the rest of my life!  I can never go back to my old eating patterns or I will easily gain weight and be back in the same destructive pattern! I need to live this way from now on!

I had this same conversation with a friend today.  I was excited to share my 20 lb mark with her.  When I told her, she said “aren’t you frustrated?”  I was really confused at first b/c I wasn’t sure what there was to be frustrated about.  Then she said, “I just can’t believe that’s all you lost.  I really would have thought it would be more?!  Not to be rude, but if I was working as hard as you and doing what you’re doing, it would be melting off of me!!”  My answer was just that she doesn’t have the same metabolism as me or the thyroid issues! 

Then I talked about this being a life long change in my relationship to food.  My addiction to food really.  Its not about just losing weight!  I’m not focusing on losing weight.  I’m focusing on taking care of myself and doing the healthiest things possible for my body.  The result of this will be weight loss and so much more!  My body will take care of itself if I give it everything it needs to live and grow and change in a healthy direction for once!  I am doing all I can, so no, I’m not frustrated!  I found myself defending my efforts and that was VERY FRUSTRATING!

I explained that if I think about forever, about living like this forever, I get incredible frustrated and overwhelmed.  Am I frustrated that I have an addiction?  HELL YES! Am I frustrated that I let myself get this way?  HELL YES!  But if I continue to live in the past, to get frustrated and regret what I have done, if I grieve over stupid comfort junk food, I will not be ok.  I have gained 125+ lbs in 10 years!  If I do that for the next ten years, I will be sick and dying at 42!  I’m not ok with that. 

I know that addiction is a sneaky, cunning, frustrating disease!  I know that I can’t avoid certain foods forever.  I know that living like this is a lot more work than just eating convenient unhealthy foods.  I know that I will be faced with major stressors in my life. We all do. I know that there is always I chance that I will relapse.  But I can’t fear that. I can’t get overwhelmed with that!  I can’t think too much about the past or about the future.  I need to think about today!  I have let go of my frustrating life, and I am filled with hope instead!  And for today, day 30, I am proud of myself for putting myself first and doing what I know I need to do!