This was a slow blog week. I’ve had zero time to think! But here I am on a Saturday night with some peace and quiet and a moment to write! I am not however feeling witty and creative tonight, so bear with me!
Day 27 is almost over. I have still been able to maintain my eating goals. I have not binged, very little compulsive eating, and no overeating. Just water, tea and soy milk to drink. I’m still going strong! Ok, maybe strong is not the right word. But still sticking to my plan! This week was kind of a back to life, back to reality sort of week. I feel like the honeymoon phase is going away. The excitement of the whole thing is going away, especially when life gets in the way and I don’t have hours to devote to reading writing and food prep every day!
I had to eat at different times b/c of obligations that we had. I just wanted fast food, but I figured out foods that I could have. I still had to cook and do the work, but it wasn’t about the need to fill a void with fast food anymore. It was about not wanting to do the work to prepare a good hot meal at 8 at night on a crazy busy day! But I did, and felt so much better that I did.
I spent another day at my parents today. This time it involved the BEST BIRTHDAY CAKE IN THE WORLD! My whole family goes crazy for it. No one can get enough. My extended family members that have moved out of town, still request it for birthdays and celebrations. My mom and my aunt are twins, and it was their birthday lunch at my parent’s house. Again, I realized the roles I have assumed in my family to organize and plan and feed the whole group. I have always been fine with this role. As I have mentioned, I enjoy it. After 15+ years of doing this, I can’t expect my family to just shift their thinking too. Especially b/c I haven’t asked them to shift it for me.
Again, they supported me with words of encouragement, BUT who was the one cutting and serving the heavenly birthday cake??? Yes, it was me! Me the food addict, me the one trying to change my life so that I can live past the age of 40, me the one who is only 27 days in to not eating sugar! It was torture. I got all kinds of emotional… sad, mad, frustrated, hurt, and proud of myself all at the same time. My husband of course was the first one to realize, oh, that is probably really hard for her to cut and serve the cake while the rest of my family yells out claiming their pieces with the most icing and their flavor choice for ice cream! But I did it, I served it and I survived, I didn’t even lick the icing off of my fingers!! But it really was a stressful 15 minutes to say the least.
Just when I finished cutting and everyone was happy, my aunt says “what about yours?” I just said no thanks, I’m trying to be really good right now. She said, oh great, you’re going to make me feel guilty for eating cake on MY birthday. I need to be “good” too, I mean look at me! To which I responded, yes, but I still have a hundred pounds on you and if I don’t make some big changes I’m going to die. She just said oh, ok, and turned around to finish her cake.
I have always been the dramatic type, but this really is serious. Its like the crouton thing, I know one piece of cake on a birthday is not going to kill me, but added all up they will. Some day I hope to be in a place where I can have my slice of cake again, but for a while, I know that it will just lead to me continuing my destructive lifestyle. So I have to remember that it is JUST food! Heavenly delicious creamy goodness, but JUST food!
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