Deserving

Ok, so I ended my last blog talking about feeling undeserving of the life that I do have!  While I was hiding from the world and feeling sick and scared, afraid of the opposite sex, afraid of rejection, somehow I met the man of my dreams!  Well I guess I didn't really "meet" him then.  We actually grew up in the same town.  We were in some of the same classes since we were in the 6th grade.  By high school we were in the same big group of friends.  In fact, his best friend, who ended up being the best man in our wedding, was my first kiss.  We were friends, but not super close friends, and he always had a girlfriend. 

When we were sophomores in college, at different schools, we were home for spring break at the same time.  I was actually really sick with some gallbladder issues, and he was the one who took care of me.  The one who worried about me.  That week we kissed for the first time and before the end of that month we knew we would be together forever.  He was my first "real" relationship.  No one thought we would make it.  The first year, all of my friends were worried about me getting my heart broken.  No one believed me when I said we were "different!"  Looking back I understand the skepticism, but I honestly KNEW that he was the one for me.  We were engaged after that first year, and married with a baby on the way a year after that!

He really truly loves me. From day one, I always asked him why? Why me? Why do you love me???  ME? of all the girls out there.  I still ask him that 10 years later.  He is so good to me. He is an AMAZING father.  He is perfect in so many ways.  I still don't feel like I deserve this funny, handsome, cute, strong, loving, kind, and even dorky, amazing MAN!  He gave me two beautiful children!  He works so hard every day to provide us with all that we need and more.  He wakes up in the middle of the night to the wet beds and bad dreams, he is the one who reads stories at night and is most of the time the one who says the last i love you's and sleep tight, no buggies at bedtime! He is our rock and I really appreciate him every day of my life.

I want to be more for him though.  He says he just wants me to be healthy and happy.  I want to be the girl I know he wants.  Athletic, competitive, stable, fun, healthy, and consistent.  I do a lot for us in our home, but I rely on him to do so much more than he really needs to do.  He picks up my slack and never gets angry or disappointed.  Actually I'm sure he does get angry and disappointed, but he never tells me that.  These are all reasons that feel like I don't deserve him, or more accurately, that he deserves  better than me!

I need to stop playing that game in my head and making excuses.  He does love me.  He is faithful to me.  God gave him to me as a gift in my life.  Most people in my life do not know love the way that I do.  They are constantly searching for something even remotely close to what our relationship is!  Instead of wasting it away, I need to be grateful for what I do have.  God does think that I deserve this man.  God had a plan, and He gave us our amazing children.  Again, I am reminded that I have to stop hiding in this chaotic disease.  That this beautiful man has been with me through all of this because that was the plan that God had for my life!  I need to recover from this addiction for myself, not for anyone else, but I can't wait to continue to give back to my husband all of the love and patience and kindness that he has given to me over these last few years!  I am so excited for the rest of our lives.  This life that I deserve!