Halloween Party

 Tonight I went to my first ‘real’ party since I started this new stage of my life.  This was just a small Halloween party at my little sister’s place.  A party where I knew a lot of people.  But these people have been “real” friends with my sisters for years.  To me they are not people that I considered friends.  In fact when one of the guys heard I was coming, he literally said, “Megan is coming?  Is she even fun?” 

At first this question about my personality bothered me a bit, because I used to be so much fun!  Silly and goofy and fun.  But when I thought about it, I realized that it reflects the way I have been living my life.  I was always so afraid to go out of my comfort zone, especially when it came to “partying.”  The few times that I actually let my guard down and had fun, someone would make fun of my weight and I would get so self conscious and anxious and want to run away.  I was also always afraid of getting in trouble, of breaking the rules.  And that too, was because of my fear of negative attention.  I don’t like interactions with people who will judge me! 

I know this is stupid, but it is a fact that I have lived my life like this for too long.  I have missed out on a lot of things in my life. I never went to a high school dance, I was afraid of being alone with guys, I avoided college parties and activities at all costs, I dread car rides with people I don’t know well, I’m afraid to get back into the work force, I avoid school functions, I don’t do some of my sons activities and would rather miss boy scout meetings and ball games, I don't want to meet my husbands friends, I won't go watch him play volleyball.  I am embarrassed of what I look like and who I think I am!!!

I am a stay at home mom.  At first, it really was to be there for my kids and be able to do all of these things.  But now it is because I would rather hide than interact with the world.  When my husband is actually home, I tend to use that time to spend it alone, rather than with all four of us together.  I disengage.  I hide in my room, or I leave to do something alone!  In the moment I have a hundred justifications about why I need and deserve the alone time.  But I know those are just excuses!  Excuses that this disease has helped me create in order to avoid the real world.  But this needs to change, and I feel it changing already!

The party was a lot of fun.  I brought candy and a gooey Mexican cheese dip, but I didn’t eat any of it.  I had some red wine, but didn’t get drunk.  I had fun, and Damn it, I was fun!  I was able to be myself and have fun the whole time!!  I wasn’t anxious!  I didn’t leave early.  I didn’t get miserable and self hating and turn inward.  When I do this, people see me as boring and bitchy.  But that is not how I ever intended that to be.  I just get too scared to be me… it has always been easier to get “sick” and run away. 

I am so glad that I went!  I am so glad that I never once felt uncomfortable or self conscious.  We stayed until after 3 am, and had fun the whole time!  By the end i was joking with the guy that questioned my ability to be "fun!"   I am seeing new miracles every day, and cannot wait to see what else is in store for me.  I am adding new goals of being more involved with my family when my husband is home.  I am going to engage and not be afraid to feel.  I am going to live my life instead of being afraid of what will happen if I try to live it!  I have missed out on way too much and I can’t do that anymore!   All I ever wanted was to be married and have a family, and now I feel like I don't deserve the one I have!!!  This is too long, so more about that in another blog!  Tonight, I do feel grateful and deserving, and it feels good:)