GUILT.... I live my life feeling guilty so much of the time. I always feel bad about something I did or did not do. That I didn’t call, or that I didn’t do enough for someone, that I ate the wrong thing, or that I am not living my life to its fullest!! Right now, I feel like I need a break from my kids. The guilt I feel just typing that hurts me. My husband was very busy last week and then he went away to ‘camp’ for the weekend. SO, I was pretty much a single mom. My heart goes out to all the single parents out there that do this day in and day out.
Anyways, taking the beginning steps on this journey is always like a rollercoaster ride for me. I go from being confident, proud, happy and strong, to overwhelmed, angry, irritable, and full of doubt so quickly… and my poor kids are along for the ride. I hate that I can tell my 7 year old son is walking on eggshells!!! GUILT!
But then I think about the alternative, about not doing this and staying heavy. I won’t be here for him, or my daughter, if I don’t make these changes! Then I feel guilty that I even let myself get to this point. I mean, I am not abusive! But I am not there for them like I want to be. I don’t want to yell and be sad around them. That’s all.
Tonight, a gloomy fall Sunday night, we are all home together. I feel like I should sit around with all four of us and spend time together, but if I don’t sneak away and take care of myself, then I am not going to be able to keep up with this journey this year. I won’t even make it into week two. So, right now I am in my bed by myself at 5:00 in the evening. First I am going to write this blog. Then I am going to participate in an on-line support meeting. Then I am going to paint my toe nails and watch the cheesy chick flick I rented and never got around to watching this weekend!
As I type those words, I am filled with peace, not guilt… oh, wait, now I feel guilty that I don’t feel guilty. UGH! So another goal – Do the best I can in each moment. If I am trying hard to be the best I can be, for myself and the people that love and need me, then I cannot feel guilty! I may not always make the right choice, but that’s ok!
Anyways, taking the beginning steps on this journey is always like a rollercoaster ride for me. I go from being confident, proud, happy and strong, to overwhelmed, angry, irritable, and full of doubt so quickly… and my poor kids are along for the ride. I hate that I can tell my 7 year old son is walking on eggshells!!! GUILT!
But then I think about the alternative, about not doing this and staying heavy. I won’t be here for him, or my daughter, if I don’t make these changes! Then I feel guilty that I even let myself get to this point. I mean, I am not abusive! But I am not there for them like I want to be. I don’t want to yell and be sad around them. That’s all.
Tonight, a gloomy fall Sunday night, we are all home together. I feel like I should sit around with all four of us and spend time together, but if I don’t sneak away and take care of myself, then I am not going to be able to keep up with this journey this year. I won’t even make it into week two. So, right now I am in my bed by myself at 5:00 in the evening. First I am going to write this blog. Then I am going to participate in an on-line support meeting. Then I am going to paint my toe nails and watch the cheesy chick flick I rented and never got around to watching this weekend!
As I type those words, I am filled with peace, not guilt… oh, wait, now I feel guilty that I don’t feel guilty. UGH! So another goal – Do the best I can in each moment. If I am trying hard to be the best I can be, for myself and the people that love and need me, then I cannot feel guilty! I may not always make the right choice, but that’s ok!
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