This past summer was a good summer. We had a lot of fun. Two of the highlights for me were our vacation to North Carolina and a trip to our local amusement park, Kennywood. This summer was definitely the heaviest I have ever been. However, I did more this year. Up until now, I would have been so nervous about going to the beach. To wear a bathing suit and play with my kids on the beach would have been torture. To go to Kennywood and attempt to ride a few things would have been too anxiety producing. But for some reason, I stopped caring so much about what total strangers thought of me.
This is not to say that I did not have some sad moments and reminders on both trips of the limitations I have put on myself as a result of my weight gain. I wish I could have gone on some adventures with my husband (he took my sister instead)… I have no problem that my sister and my husband had some fun exploring and riding bikes, etc… I was happy they had each other, but I was sad that I couldn’t go do those things too.
I wish I could have gone on more rides with my family at Kennywood… something that has made me sad for the last few years because I LOVE roller coasters! This year I did ride a few things and I didn’t think too much about my weight while riding them. During both of these trips, I was happy. I truly had a great time. I didn’t let my weight define me.
THEN I got home and would look at the pictures. The pictures of me made me feel like that fat girl didn’t deserve to have those good times. Those images of me didn’t match how I was feeling in the moment. It is such a sad sickening feeling that comes over me when I see those images of myself. I have been struggling with the decision to post pictures to this blog or not. I want this journey to be about so much more than before and after pictures. Its not about just focusing on the weight loss. I have done that in the past, and I have just continued to gain weight and not break this cycle.
This time it’s about my ability to manage my relationship and addiction to food. So I have decided to post a few pictures of myself from this past summer. This blog is intended to be an inspirational experience for me. A log of where I have been and what I have accomplished. So I want to include these images in order to remember the fun moments that I was able to have with my family (even at 300+ lbs).
The weight doesn’t define me, but it affects me and my family in so many ways. It’s just another reason to change my way of thinking. So here goes nothing… Below are the pictures of myself that I would have wanted to rip up and hide. Hopefully next summers pictures will include some of me and my hubby riding bikes and riding roller coasters with my son : )
This is not to say that I did not have some sad moments and reminders on both trips of the limitations I have put on myself as a result of my weight gain. I wish I could have gone on some adventures with my husband (he took my sister instead)… I have no problem that my sister and my husband had some fun exploring and riding bikes, etc… I was happy they had each other, but I was sad that I couldn’t go do those things too.
I wish I could have gone on more rides with my family at Kennywood… something that has made me sad for the last few years because I LOVE roller coasters! This year I did ride a few things and I didn’t think too much about my weight while riding them. During both of these trips, I was happy. I truly had a great time. I didn’t let my weight define me.
THEN I got home and would look at the pictures. The pictures of me made me feel like that fat girl didn’t deserve to have those good times. Those images of me didn’t match how I was feeling in the moment. It is such a sad sickening feeling that comes over me when I see those images of myself. I have been struggling with the decision to post pictures to this blog or not. I want this journey to be about so much more than before and after pictures. Its not about just focusing on the weight loss. I have done that in the past, and I have just continued to gain weight and not break this cycle.
This time it’s about my ability to manage my relationship and addiction to food. So I have decided to post a few pictures of myself from this past summer. This blog is intended to be an inspirational experience for me. A log of where I have been and what I have accomplished. So I want to include these images in order to remember the fun moments that I was able to have with my family (even at 300+ lbs).
The weight doesn’t define me, but it affects me and my family in so many ways. It’s just another reason to change my way of thinking. So here goes nothing… Below are the pictures of myself that I would have wanted to rip up and hide. Hopefully next summers pictures will include some of me and my hubby riding bikes and riding roller coasters with my son : )
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