Stress

I have been one gigantic stress ball for at least the last 10 years of my life!  Actually, I have always been an anxious stress ball!  Each year that goes by, I get worse and worse.  Trying to be in control, to have all the answers, worrying about death and being afraid to live, are just a few of the reasons that I live in a constant state of anxiety.  I know it is all connected to my addiction and the way I eat.  I am not sure about all the reasons and the connections yet, but that is what I am hoping to learn about myself this year on my journey.  I worry about my kids, about my husband, about everything!!!!  As soon as someone starts to get a little cold I have major panic attacks that they will get really sick.  I don’t have any idea where this comes from.  When my son and my husband leave the house in the morning, I get a pit in my stomach.  Along the same lines as my previous hermit post, I joke about taking my family and living in a cave! (As long as there is a Walmart within walking distance, we’ll be great!)

Anyways, I am stressed and anxious just trying to write this one.  So forgive me if it doesn’t make sense and jumps around a bit.  I know that I eat as a result of stress.  It is how I cope.  I don’t binge to get rid of stress. I just eat constantly to numb some of it.  Well I use to eat constantly. 

Today is day 19 of following my eating plan!!!  So I have not overeaten at all. Ok, I feel like I just lied.  Last night, I had extra bites of food.  Before dinner I picked at the meal b/c my husband was late getting home. Then after the meal as I put the food away, I absent mindedly took another spoonful!  I know that those were a few bites and not a big slip, but I was still disappointed.

I digress again… stress and eating.  For the last 19 days I have been painfully aware of the fact that I am a stress ball!  When I don’t have the food to help numb those feelings, they are all right there in my face.  My general stress level, however, has definitely decreased.  I have a peace of mind that I have not had in a very very long time… AND without the cloudy haze that I have been living in as a compulsive over eater, I am able to better deal with the little stressors that in the past would knock me on my ass! 

 BUT when a more stressful situation arises, it hits me hard and fast!  I have stayed strong through all of these moments as far as eating.  But I have had a few emotional breakdowns over it!   I know that is to be expected and that there are many more to come, but I hope by the end of this, I am truly able to get rid of some of my anxiety issues. 

This week we bought a new car.  Which in everyone’s life, (well everyone who pretty much lives paycheck to paycheck), is a stressful situation.  It’s a lot of money and you want to make the right decision.  We needed a used car, and found the exact kind of car we wanted.  So then it became a game of trying to find the right one, at the right price, and hope that we could get there and make the offer before it was gone.  (Which happened several times)   So every time I thought we found the “one” and it didn’t’ work out, my stress level would rise.  Then I would panic and get emotional because I didn’t know how to cope without food! So basically, I learned about my ability to cope with stress.  I need a lot of work and hope to continue this work for this year!  Sorry again about the chaos of this post!  It is what happens when I even think about stress!!!  AHHHH!