TIRED

Mornings…  why can’t my family let me have a minute in the mornings to myself???   First of all I am NOT a morning person.  Most of the time I wake up feeling unrested and still tired.  I am grumpy and cranky in the mornings. I have been for as long as I can remember.  I remember my parents pretty much having to drag me out of bed in the mornings.

I have tried getting up earlier than my family, but it seems the earlier I plan to get up, they just KNOW!!!!  I am quiet. Very quiet. But they are awake and in my face SO quickly.  Last night I went to bed planning to get up at 6:30 and have AT least 30 minutes to an hour to read my devotions and do some blogging, eat breakfast without stress and demands, maybe even stretch a little, start some exercise for my body!!!  But… what time does my 3 y/o get up today???  SIX! Just before 6:00 am I hear mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, I’m awake, mommy.  Can I have a pop tart?  Seriously?  I really want that time in the morning but I’m not sure how to get it and still get sleep and still have some time to MYSELF at night! 

I need to pray long and hard and hope to get some answers!  At 1:45 pm today I was still tired.  I felt like I couldn’t  catch up with myself today.  I still hadn’t exercised, I felt too TIRED!  All I can think about it a  NAP!  I even called my hubby to tell him he needed to come home early so I can get myself together, but as I knew he had to, he stayed at work. 

After I hung up with him though, I looked at my daughter, who was also so tired, told her I loved her even though she was super cranky and asked her to be my cheerleader while I tried my new exercise DVD.  She let me do 30 minutes which was way more than I had hoped for, and then she was miserable and draining again.  I want to have more patience again…  I feel like I am torturing them while I take these major steps in my life to take care of me.  Again, I know that this is for them just as much as it is me, but wow… my little girl is having a hard time with me not giving her more attention:(

Oh how I want to be a better mother!  I know I am not superwoman, and I cannot do everything perfectly, but I worry that I am messing them up.  I want them to be able to show their feelings, to be heard.  I want them to learn that it is ok to be angry, sad, hurt happy and excited.  I am so quick to anger and say mommy needs a break.  Stop moving, stop making noise, stop bugging me, I’ll listen to you in just a minute!!!  I am a freakin stay at home mom so that I know they are getting the best care that they need…  but are they??? 

  I have let the chaos of my addiction to food take control over so much.  I am almost resentful when I am trying to take care of myself and have to stop something to take care of them….  Does that make me horrible???  I love them. I love them with every fiber of my being.  I hate that this disease of addiction has hurt them too.  I have so many days that I wake up in a foggy haze.  I’m not sure if it is my thyroid, depression, my weight affecting my quality of sleep, my anxiety, or a combination of all of them some days.

Up until this week, I would deal with that haze by eating.  But eating just brings more haze.  This week of abstaining from overeating, there has definitely been more clarity.  But as I let go of my coping mechanisms, the quicker I am to get irritable right now…  I really hope that this part gets easier soon.  I am doing so well and really proud of myself.  But I want my kids to know I know this is hard for them to and that I love them!!!   Week one is done :)  I have stuck to my goals and my plans.  Still figuring this out one day at a time…  but I am down 9 pounds!