I was having a hard time coming to terms with telling people I am doing this again. Mainly b/c I have done it so many times! I have one “friend” in my past that hurt me very badly when I asked for support. She said… “Quit talking about it. I’ll believe you when you actually do it. I’m sick of you talking about it and then getting fatter!” It made me doubt myself, and I quit that night. I feel like no one should have faith in me… Especially the ones that have watched me trip and stumble my way through this journey I’ve been on!
So as I am gathering my support team for this year to a healthier me, I am careful with who I choose. But when I start to talk about it I find myself starting with this disclaimer… I know I have said “this time is for real and I am going to lose this weight” 500,000 times in the past, but I am saying it again. I am not thinking about losing the weight, I am thinking about recovering from food addiction. My focus is on one moment at a time right now, so it really is a different approach and total life change this time.
So as I am gathering my support team for this year to a healthier me, I am careful with who I choose. But when I start to talk about it I find myself starting with this disclaimer… I know I have said “this time is for real and I am going to lose this weight” 500,000 times in the past, but I am saying it again. I am not thinking about losing the weight, I am thinking about recovering from food addiction. My focus is on one moment at a time right now, so it really is a different approach and total life change this time.
The few people I have talked to so far have been good to me. My neighbor, (my “life partner” as I call her), is someone that has been very supportive and let me talk her ear off about it. She is a relatively new friend to me, so its easier with her. I don’t feel like she is sick of my weight struggles yet : ) She has recently lost a significant amount of weight too, but can still relate to the food addiction aspect that I am struggling with. Today we talked about recovery from overeating and then went on a good long walk! How blessed am I to have that support right next door?!?!
I have one particularly close friend in my life that has been a constant love and support. She has never let me down. She is the only person in my life who has never turned their back on me! We have been friends since we were in middle school, and although we are now both busy moms, we try to get together a few times a month to catch up and support each other. The crazy kids and even crazier husbands stay home and we just get to be us!
Well last night we had our ‘night out’ and I shared with her the details of my life changing experiences these last few weeks. In the past I have admitted to having “issues” with food, and even an addiction to sugar. But saying that I am a food addict and have the disease of addiction is totally different. I did not hesitate to tell her, although I did include the “disclaimer” for her as well. I talked and talked about this blog, and my goals, and my food choices, and my recovery program… then I figured we were done…. I said, “Ok, your turn what’s going on with you?”
She started to talk a little about her life, but I could tell something was up. Then she stopped, looked down at her plate, and she was trying not to cry! My heart sank and I thought “oh great, I’m the worst friend ever! She has something serious going on in her life and I was going on and on with excitement about my life!!!” Then, through her tears she said, “Before we move on, I feel like I owe you an apology.” I was so taken back by it. She went on to talk about how it never hit her how real my addiction was, and that for the last few years she knew I was struggling with this, but not to this degree. She felt bad and apologized for ever being an enabler to my addiction, and not realizing how bad it was for me.
I stopped her immediately! I told her that I was not ready to accept how bad it was, so it wasn’t her responsibility to figure it out for me! I had a million excuses for my weight gain and for making bad food choices. I also told her that addicts are master manipulators. When we would go out to eat and I would order and incredibly fatting unhealthy meal and I would say things like, "Oh I’ve been so good lately so I can have this tonight"… blah, blah, blah. So she would think, well then, its ok! I felt bad that she felt she had not been there for me enough, when she is one person that has not given up on me!!! I did ask her to help me maintain my current food choices when we have our nights out this year and to hold me accountable!
Well last night we had our ‘night out’ and I shared with her the details of my life changing experiences these last few weeks. In the past I have admitted to having “issues” with food, and even an addiction to sugar. But saying that I am a food addict and have the disease of addiction is totally different. I did not hesitate to tell her, although I did include the “disclaimer” for her as well. I talked and talked about this blog, and my goals, and my food choices, and my recovery program… then I figured we were done…. I said, “Ok, your turn what’s going on with you?”
She started to talk a little about her life, but I could tell something was up. Then she stopped, looked down at her plate, and she was trying not to cry! My heart sank and I thought “oh great, I’m the worst friend ever! She has something serious going on in her life and I was going on and on with excitement about my life!!!” Then, through her tears she said, “Before we move on, I feel like I owe you an apology.” I was so taken back by it. She went on to talk about how it never hit her how real my addiction was, and that for the last few years she knew I was struggling with this, but not to this degree. She felt bad and apologized for ever being an enabler to my addiction, and not realizing how bad it was for me.
I stopped her immediately! I told her that I was not ready to accept how bad it was, so it wasn’t her responsibility to figure it out for me! I had a million excuses for my weight gain and for making bad food choices. I also told her that addicts are master manipulators. When we would go out to eat and I would order and incredibly fatting unhealthy meal and I would say things like, "Oh I’ve been so good lately so I can have this tonight"… blah, blah, blah. So she would think, well then, its ok! I felt bad that she felt she had not been there for me enough, when she is one person that has not given up on me!!! I did ask her to help me maintain my current food choices when we have our nights out this year and to hold me accountable!
It feels so good to know that I am not alone in this journey. It is so great to have support! The people in my recovery group, that know this addiction, have been an irreplaceable support system for the last few weeks! But it feels even better to have people that know ME and love ME want this for me too… even more than that, they believe it is possible! I am incredibly grateful for true friendship today!
I heart Murph!
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