Change

After my recent post, I had a bit of a light bulb moment regarding my "fear" of attracting needy people.  After I put those ideas out there into the world wide web, I got some mixed feed back.  But what stood out, was that it is ok to say no.  It is ok to tell people that I am not available.  It is ok to set some boundaries.  By doing this, I will find the people that respect me and will be there with me though this journey.

While going to school for my social work degree, I learned that it is important to take care of yourself first before you can really take care of other people.  I knew that logically and it made sense, but it was something that was a lot easier said than done.  I felt a sense of obligation to take care of certain family members, friends and clients.  The funny thing is, I thought that it really mattered to them that I was the person that would rescue them in any situation.  And, you know what, if I am not the one to do it, they will live.  I set up those relationships that way... not them!

Another thing that I thought I could do was save the world.  When I first graduated and entered the real world as a bleeding heart social worker, I truly believed that I needed to save everyone. My belief about us as a community of human beings needing to help each other, still stands.  Someday I truly hope to do something great that will change peoples lives, but I no longer feel obligated. Sunday morning as I sat in my pew next to my son, and prayed for guidance about this, the priest stood up and started to preach about this topic!  I was floored!  His exact words at the end of his sermon were, "you can't save the world if you don't save yourself first!"

Also that day in my recovery readings, I learned about not being able to change people.  I do not have the power or the authority to change who people are.  When I go into rescue/saving mode, I impose my ideas about what I think people should do onto them. I expect them to take my advice and make the changes that I think they need to make!  That is not realistic or fair.  All I can do is continue to put love in my heart and hope they see that.  People will not be who I think they should be. I can offer a listening ear or a few kind words, but it is up to them what they do with it.  They will come to terms with what is best for them in God's time, not mine.

One other light bulb moment relating to this topic...  I always felt betrayed and let down by people. I felt that I was always willing to drop whatever I was doing when someone needed me.  But when I needed something, I felt like those people weren't there for me.  Maybe some of them were, but just because they didn't react the way I wanted them to, doesn't mean that they didn't try. Also, maybe they had already learned these lessons about saying no and setting boundaries.  Or maybe they really did suck and weren't there for me when I needed me. I can't change any of those things, and I can not turn that into a "woe is me" situation.

I can't change people. I can't change peoples reactions. I can't change peoples opinions. I can't make the world into what I personally think it should be.  This can't make me angry and resentful and negative.  I am not responsible for anyone but myself and my own choices.  I just need to live life with love and by my own convictions. If that leads to change then that is awesome. If it doesn't, that's ok too!