NUMBERS

I hate numbers!  Its a fact! If you want to see me have an anxiety attack, start spitting numbers out at me and you are sure to get one!  I cannot figure out exactly what it is about numbers that makes me crazy, but I hate them. (Did I mention that?)  I swear I am stuck at a second grade level.  Give me a paper to write and I can write 1000 pages, but ask me to do some division and I will end up in tears! I am not kidding.  My seven year old is in second grade now, and I know he is going to pass my skill level in mathematics very, very soon!

I think it goes back to Sister Mary Ruth.  I'm not sure if I have blogged about her yet, but I would be surprised if I made it this far without her coming up!  I personally believe that she is the reason that I have any issues at all!  I blame all of my problems on my second grade teacher... the nun from hell.  I know she will come up again, so I won't share all the details now, but she should not have been allowed to be a teacher!  She was stuck decades before when fear and shame were accepted means of educating a child.  A few weeks into the school year, I started breaking out in hives so badly that I was not able to go to school some mornings.  I feared and hated that woman.  She was a bully.  She was also the one who taught me math that year.  Thus the reason I blame her for my hatred of all numbers!

So how does this relate to my weight loss journey?  It all comes down to the stupid scale.  I know that this year to a better me is not just about me losing weight.  It is about recovering from food addiction.  The result of which should be significant weight loss! However, I can't worry about a number, a goal weight, or even the weekly number on the scale.  But I desperately want to know that all of this work is paying off!

My body feels different already and shouldn't that be enough?  I say it is, but when I get on that scale and don't see the number I want to see, I get pissed!  It makes me want to give up.  When I know that I busted my ass for a whole week and on Monday morning the number is the exact same as it was seven days ago, I'm instantly tempted to get in the car and head to the closest drive-thru that can give me greasy double cheeseburger!  I hate numbers!!!

If any of you have ever lost significant weight, you know that some days you honestly feel lighter.  You just know that your efforts are working.  Monday's number made me so mad, but by yesterday I was having that light feeling.  I swore that I would not get back on the scale this week, but this morning when I woke up I gave into the temptation...  I was 5 pounds lighter than the last time!  REALLY?  in three days?  So I don't know if something was up with the scale Monday, or if I ate too much salt last weekend and was bloated... who knows, and really I should say who cares!

But the simple fact is that I do care!  I am not a patient person, so for today that is my prayer.  That I am able to be patient with this process.  That I am able to let go of the hold that those 3 little numbers on the scale have over me.  That I can continue to heal my soul and concentrate on things like my new energy level, an ease in my joint pain, my clothes being a little looser, and being able to spend more time loving my kids instead of spending that time hating myself!  Stupid numbers!