Constant State of Disorganized Chaos

Based on the past few days, my last post may have been a bit optimistic. I was planning on a better year, but since my last post, I realized my whole world is chaos.  I am learning a lot about addiction and the chaos that comes from living as an addict, particularly a food addict. It is not for lack of will power that I have not been able to gain control of my life.  I didn’t realize how deeply my addictions affected other areas of my life. I have so much guilt about what this has done to my family.  The roller coaster ride that is our lives is my fault.  Ok, not my fault, I didn’t ask for this disease, but I have it and it hurts them too.  I know that I am taking the steps to change and that we are moving in the right direction, but the “one day at a time” thing, gets really hard sometimes!

I spent most of the last few days very overwhelmed and beating myself up.  I just wanted to have a productive few days in my house, since we had a rare long weekend at home together with no plans.  As soon as I start one project though, I get so frustrated about the constant state of disorganized chaos!!!  No one else in my family cares to help me maintain any organization and structure.  No, they would help me, if it was already set up that way, but I am so inconsistent.  I feel like everything we have is broken and filthy and ruined, and it is so disappointing.  And to top it all off I feel like it is ALL my fault b/c of this fucking disease!

I also waste too much time on things that are out of my control.  When I spend my time anxious and worried about these things, I have this crazy desire to have complete control over every little thing in my life, from junk drawers to laundry.   I worry too much about making others happy and what others think of me.  I worry too much about wanting to make people see the world as I see it.  I am an oversensitive and opinionated person, and the two don’t always mix.  This was the cause for some additional stress this weekend, and what started my need to have everything in my life “put together.”

On Friday, I posted another mom’s blog on my facebook page.  I liked the blog, totally related to it, and had seen it floating around facebook for a few days before I chose to share it.  It was about a mom who let her 5 year old son dress up as a female character for Halloween. He had begged to be this character for weeks. She had no reservations about it and at the last minute her son did have fears of being made fun of.  She kept saying who would make fun of a five year old’s Halloween costume.  Well she found out her son’s worry was justified when several of the preschool MOMS did have an issue with a little boy dressed in a “girl” costume.  The whole post was about how labeling our young kids is stupid and hurtful!  Kids are kids.  She said if my son is gay when he grows up, who cares, but it certainly wouldn’t be caused by letting him wear the costume when he was 5!

Well, when I posted it, I shared about relating to her story because my 7 year old loves all things girly and it breaks my heart to see how some the adults in his life have an issue with that side of him.  I said he like princess costumes and make up one minute and wants to be a power ranger ninja spy the next.  Well, some of those adults in his life reacted badly to me posting it.  They were concerned that it would get back to my son that I posted something about him being gay on facebook!!!!  REALLY!?!  I felt judged about the quality mother that I am.  I was told that I was labeling my kids and that it is wrong.   I was sad frustrated and consumed by this for 24 hours because my point had been totally missed! 

My husband was amazing and supportive and said all the right things for 3 whole days.  He also busted his ass to help fulfill my need to have things cleaned and organized.  His nice relaxing three day weekend at home was turned into taking care of his psycho wife all weekend.  He did most of the parenting b/c I was in crazy cleaning/organizing mode and I was very short on patience (I was so mad at my children for disrespecting everything we own!!!)   He was my best friend this weekend that I so needed him to be.  He didn’t complain or get annoyed.  He reminded me how this recovery is really working in my life and that I can’t give up.  I can’t let a few things that are out of my control ruin my progress. 

By last night, I was feeling better and ready to start a new week. I had spent some time in my clean(ish) house, journaling and making sense of all of these crazy emotions.  I am still overwhelmed when I think about how to make my kids listen and respect me and our stuff.  I still want to cry when I think about maintaining this eating plan forever. But I don’t need to worry about that.  I have to keep that all in check today.  Today I need to worry about today.  I need to make a new chore/sticker chart.  I need to make the rules and expectations clear.  I need to control what I can today, and that is all!  I need to continue to take care of myself and my family the best way I know how.  I need to stand up for what I believe in and teach my kids about love and acceptance and responsibility.   And damn it, if I can do that, then I AM a good mom!