You Might Be a Food Addict If...

... you seriously consider eating fish sticks out of the trash can!  That is so disgusting!

Once upon a time I used to love a serious binge!  I had a few years in my early twenties when my eating was out of control.  I have always had "issues" with food.  Hiding food, thinking about and obsessing about food, looking forward to the times that I could eat alone.  Drive thru's after working would include TWO value meals!  I looked forward to the times my husband was on an overnight shift or working overtime.  I would go to the grocery store and get my normal binge foods. I would close the blinds, lock the door, turn on the TV and mindlessly eat SEVERAL servings of certain food.

Frozen fried appetizer type foods and snack cakes provided me with something that I can't even put into words.  I felt totally numb after those binges for a few heavenly minutes!  Then, I would feel like absolute shit.  I would be in physical pain from stuffing my body.  I was consumed with guilt and would beat myself up for hours after wards. Sometimes, I would wait for the discomfort to pass, and eat more so that the guilt was gone and then I would fall asleep. The next morning, I would wake up hating myself.  But that didn't stop me the next time I wanted to binge again!

I had about a year while I was pregnant with my son and for the few months after he was born, that this binging was a regular behavior for me.  My weight sky rocketed. At 25 I was denied life insurance!  At TWENTY FIVE no one wanted to put money on my LIFE b/c I was putting my own life at risk! That was a big wake-up call for me.  A very emotional time in my life! After that the really big binges have been few and far between.  Although I still looked forward to eating alone and had a few "reward" binges every once in a while.  I think about that time in my life and it makes me sick.  But I also see how far I have come!

Obviously, I didn't really deal with my addiction to food even though I drastically cut back on the binges.  As much as a wanted to lose weight and change, I could never succeed for more than a few weeks before the addiction took back over.  As I have mentioned the last few weeks have gotten a bit harder.  I have not had any sugar!  I have not had any unhealthy meals. I have not had anywhere near a BINGE.  BUT I have had a few very small slips.  Last night was 2 fish sticks.  I was making a very healthy salmon and spinach dinner for my husband and I, but my kids were having fish sticks.  Hubby was late again, their dinner was ready, so I started to serve them.  I debated and debated about eating just one fish stick.  I gave in to the first, and then didn't even think about the second.  The third was almost in my mouth when I snapped out of it.

One of the definitions of having a food addiction includes not being able to stop eating certain foods.  I don't even really like fish sticks, but as I mentioned, frozen versions of all things fried was my choice binge food.  So those two fish sticks took over my thoughts.  I ate my healthy dinner with my husband, was able to stop when I was full, and didn't even clear my plate.  Then my husband and son cleared the table and quickly left for an activity.  I was still restless and had an annoyed nagging feeling that I get when I want to eat more of something.  I walked past the trash can and saw the uneaten fish sticks on top.  I honestly had a thought to eat them...  OUT OF THE TRASH!  Once again, another wake up call!  This is not normal eating behavior.  This is addiction.  My addiction recovery is about progress, not perfection.  I am not perfect, but I am definitely making progress, and that is all I can ask for!