PSYCHO MOM

I started this new journey because 38 days ago I didn’t like myself much at all.  I was mean, and grumpy, and lets face it, just plain bitchy!  I started to be that mom that yelled and yelled at her kids.  I was not fun for them to be around. I was mean to my husband as soon as he walked in the door at night.  He didn’t even do anything, just being there made me mad!!  And I know it was ALL ME!!

I had this "perfect" family and i was throwing it all away!!!   As I mentioned recently, I was not present for my family even when I was there.  I was tired all the time!!!  ALL the time!  I knew that I needed and wanted more for my life than what I was living, and I know my family wanted to get rid of psycho mom.

When I started working on myself and freeing myself from food addiction, psycho mom went away pretty quickly.  I didn’t realize how much I was yelling, and how irritable I was, until I wasn’t doing it any more.  SAD.  Even more so, I didn’t realize how I sounded and how they reacted to psycho mom until tonight.  I was so proud of myself this past weekend for working on myself and my recovery during my “break” from the kids and during my time alone time with my husband.  It felt so good and I thought I was in a great place again to take another little break from all this. 

So Monday I just relaxed with my family.  We went to a movie and then had to drive home from my parent’s house.  The drive was stressful with almost rush hour, construction, a SCREAMING 3 year old and a gigantic bag of Halloween candy riding shot gun! (STUPID candy placement on my part)  At one point I called my friend and said I may not make it home without eating a piece of candy.  She said throw it out the window if you have to or at least threaten to if the 3 year old doesn’t stop crying!  That actually worked, she stopped screaming and fell asleep.

I didn’t come home, but met my friend for our weekly dinner out.  I still ordered sensibly and was still proud of myself.  Then afterward, at like 8:30, my husband was just putting the kids to bed as I was getting home. So instead of getting them all wound up again, I went to my neighbor’s house to catch up with her for a bit.  After 4 days away from home, I came in and crawled into bed at almost 1 am!  I did no personal work on myself and this journey that day.  My last blog was about my grumpy Tuesday spent in pain and making an eating mistake!  Again, no real personal work on Tuesday!

And today, Wednesday, was a SUPER busy day of babysitting.  Throughout the day I was taking care 6 little girls ages 4,3,3,2,2,&1!  Oh, and the two year olds are potty training!  It was not a bad day…  The kids were actually really good!  Just really busy and once again, I took NO time for myself.  What I have learned is that even though I may not get the chance to actively participate in my recovery, I can’t forget about it.  I can’t forget about the most important part!  GOD!  God is there through all of it and it is so easy for me to forget that in the midst of chaos! 

Tonight it all caught up to me and psycho mom made an appearance from about 6-8 o’clock.  My daughter just gets more crazy and misbehaves when I get like that.  She matches my psycho with her own psycho…  (fast forward 10 years and that is a whole new reason to make these changes for good!)  My son however, got sad.  He was good for the first part of my anger, but then he started crying and apologizing and ripping my heart out!!!  I held him as he fell asleep and reassured him that I don’t like this mommy either and that I am working really hard to be better for all of us!  He ended his night being silly with me and talking about life in second grade!

Then I came downstairs and for 2 hours I have been working on me!  I was really tempted to pour myself a glass of wine and curl up with one of the 11 Oprah’s I have recorded and never get the chance to watch.  Instead I put the work in, did a meeting, did some blogging, looked up some worship music, and I feel more positive than I did a few short hours ago.   Tomorrow is a new day.  A day after I have fueled up on all the good things I need to keep me going on this journey.  Tomorrow is actually my 32nd Birthday!

Now I am going to curl up on the couch and see if I can get through ten minutes of Oprah without falling asleep ;)