FOUR

Five years ago, I spent my birthday in the hospital.  I was happily pregnant just days before.  I was ten weeks into my second pregnancy.  This one was planned.  This one was full of so much excitement and hope!  But then, I started to bleed.  It turns out that this happy planned pregnancy was ectopic.  I had to spend my birthday in the hospital, waiting to find out the best way to "end" the pregnancy.  This little life that we were so thrilled about was growing in the wrong place in my body.  I was so sad. I felt like it was my fault.  Like MY body had failed to do what it was supposed to and now this baby couldn't be born! 

We were told to wait at least three months to try again.  Three months later, without out any planning, we were pregnant again.  This time I was not as excited.  I was constantly worried that it was going to go wrong.  This pregnancy was a painful one.  Much different than my first.  After I had Jack, I swore I could be pregnant all the time!  I loved it...  not so much this time.   Then at 20 weeks we found out that it was a baby girl.  Everything on the fuzzy black and white screen indicated she was healthy and growing strong.  I still wasn't convinced. My eating was out of control again at this point because it was the only way I knew how to deal with all of my anxiety!

The morning she was born

But in the dark, cold, early morning hours of December 13, 2006 we drove to Mercy Hospital to have a scheduled C-section.  I was so nervous.  Nervous about her being ok, nervous about loving another baby as much as we had loved our first.  For four years, it was just us and Jack.  We were babies together.  This time, we knew what we were doing. But I was still not sure of myself. That is until they brought that sweet chubby baby girl up to my face for our first kiss.  At that moment,  in the bright lights of that operating room, I knew that I would never be the same.

Madelyn Mae Banes was born at 8 in the morning weighing 8 pounds and 14 ounces.  Oh. My. God.  I had a daughter.  A relationship between a mother and daughter is so much different than that with a son.  I knew I had so much to teach her!  Little did I know just how much she would teach me!!

She is strong willed and opinionated. She is rough and tough and mischievous. She is sweet and caring and kind.  She loves her brother more than anyone in the world. 

She has all of us wrapped around that little finger of hers!  She is a HUGE reason that I need to make these changes in myself so that I can teach my daughter to love herself!!!

Today, that sweet baby girl turns four!  When I laid there in the hospital, so devastated about the ectopic pregnancy, I didn't think I would ever understand why things like that happen.  But I am so glad that God was the one in control.  He had a plan.  He wanted us to have Maddie Mae and I am so grateful that we do!