My Christmas "Present"

I struggle with anxiety.  I always have for as long as I can remember.  I worry way too much about the future and all of the things that could go wrong.  I worry about things beyond my control, so I concentrate on things I think I can control…  like the perfect Christmas.  I have gone to the hospital twice in the past 8 years because of chest pain…  both have been in early December.  Both times I was sent home with a clean bill of health and told to deal with my anxiety!

A huge part of recovery is living in the moment.  Recovering addicts live one day at a time.  Or at least we try to.  It’s the ONLY way to succeed in recovery.  When I think about never eating certain things again, I get overwhelmed.  When I think about not eating right now, I am fine with that! 

When I think about all of the inevitable “bad” things that will happen in my life, I freak!  I can’t breath.  I worry about who I am going to loose... Who is going to get sick.  But if I think about right now, everyone is fine, I am fine! 

Thank God I don’t know what will happen to me and my family in the future.  Even though some days I wish I knew exactly what is ahead of us.  Can you imagine knowing what is out there in our futures… Good and Bad???  That is NO way to live!

When I live in the future, or the past, I am driven by fear and regret.  I am consumed with all of the “what ifs!”  For so much of my life I have not REALLY been living!  My mind is constantly in motion.  I long for the peace that I am promised by living life as a recovering food addict.  Although I have not been overeating, I am still struggling with letting go of those fears and living in the now.

I have had more and more tastes of that peaceful way of life though.  I feel like I was getting close and for some reason started to take back control…  I think it is this time of year.  The chaos of the holiday and birthday season.  Trying so hard to make everyone happy.  To be a good mom.  I feel like I need to be super mom during this month.  There are so many things to remember.  My to-do list is miles longer than normal and I start to lose my focus. 

My gift to myself this year needs to be to take care of me and enjoy my family this Christmas.  To live in the moment.  To enjoy the times I have with my kids instead if worrying about what I have or haven’t done.  Today is my gift…  That’s why it is called the PRESENT !!!