Slip Slidin Away

I feel myself slipping right now.  Going back to old habits...  I have not binged by any means, BUT, I feel like I'm just not taking care of myself to the same degree as I had been.  I started to get tired of how much work this whole journey takes!  It is constant!  But I feel a thousand times better when I put in the work!  I wish that it was enough to keep me going.

My problem is my mind.  The self-talk that goes through my head.  For the first 60 days, my self-talk was positive and up lifting.  My self-talk would lead right into prayers.  I would say in my head all day long, "I can do this, I deserve this."  Then I would pray, "God I can do this only with you."  In the past two weeks, my self talk has been slowly creeping back into the negative.

I start to think, "you can't do this forever?"  I hear peoples voices that I have shared this journey with...  "You haven't done therapy or medication, how do you know you are better?"  "How can you guarantee that you aren't going to go back to the depressed place?"  I tell myself, that I don't deserve it.  I feel myself start to get tired and burnt out and I get negative and lazy!  Then I start to really believe the negative voice in my head.

I know that I have the control over my thoughts.  I need to not get wrapped up in them.  I need to tell myself that I know what is true.  I KNOW what works.  I know how I feel when I really, take care of myself and pray and meditate and FOCUS on what really matters.  But after at least 20 years of telling myself that I don't deserve that happiness and that I am not ok, it is harder to change that way of thinking, than it is to make the other changes in my life.

I don't know if it is my thyroid, depression, or hormones related to both that make me feel the tired worthless feeling. But I am aware that it is happening this time, which is a good thing.  I had started to try to eat "normal" food again.  Not all super healthy food.  But I think when I do that, I lose my focus.  I need to refocus today.  Get through this crazy Christmas week, and pray pray pray the whole time.

I have not lost anything in two whole weeks!  But its ok.  I am not quitting.  I am going to be mindful of taking care of myself instead of just going through the motions of life, and being swept away by the chaos around me! 

In fact, right now, I am going to turn on the Disney channel (so my daughter gives me some peace and quiet), get out my books, and work on my recovery!  Then I am going to get some laundry done.  Then this evening we are going to go for a ride to see some Christmas lights, an annual tradition for our family!  Today is a new day!  Happy Monday!