God Grant Me The Serenity

Stress and anxiety... A recurring theme in my life! I wish that  I could say that this process has already relieved me of all of these issues that I suffer with.  But, I know there is no quick fix.  And, just as I will always have this disease of addiction, I think I will always have the anxiety issues as well.  But its learning how to cope and move on that is making a differnce in my life.  


 I know I have already seen a huge difference.  My anxiety on a daily basis has not been as bad!  I do not overstress about everything.  I am not consumed with negative thoughts and a desire to eat them away.  They still pop up every once in a while, sometimes a few times a day, but not all day every day, and that to me is HUGE!


As soon as there is a "change" in my life however, I start to get that pit in my stomach.  The racing heart, the irritability and short temper come quickly, often before I even realize that I am stressed out!  These changes can be as simple as a doctor appointment for me, my husband or my kids...  or a day like today when school is canceled and I don't know if I'm babysitting, will I have to drive in the snow, etc.


Nothing gets me more stressed than someone starting to get sick...  especially my daughter.  She has a bladder reflux issue that she takes an antibiotic for on a daily basis. Most days, I don't even remember that she has it.  But it isn't getting better and no one has real answers for us about what to do.  Do we wait it out and hope it heals itself?  What if the waiting it out has a permanent effect on her kidneys? What if we do the surgery that isn't guaranteed to fix it, and there is some kind of complication?  Right now, we have decided with the guidance of the doctor, to wait a little longer and hope for the best.

We found out that she had this problem when she had a seizure at 11 months old.  This was very close to the scariest thing that has ever happened to me.  I now know that febrile seizures are pretty common, and they don't often have any effect on kids later in life.  But when my baby was shaking violently and I was having a full body panic attack, nothing else mattered.  My husband was on the phone with 911 and I was trying to help my baby girl...  then her little body went limp and lifeless for a few seconds, I wanted to die right then and there! 


Fast forward three years to last night.  A normal night.  It was snowing pretty hard outside, the kids were excited, I was starting to fix dinner, and was a little worried about my husband getting home, but all was well.  Then the kids saw our neighbors playing outside in the snow.  Of course they wanted to go out too.  At first I was a little overwhelmed.  Dinner was started, dishes needed done, I had "things" to do.  But I told myself, suck it up.  Enjoy life.  That is what I am working on...  letting go!


So I turn off the stove, bundle us up and head outside to play!  I was diving and running and having fun.  I am feeling good.  Feeling strong and definitely noticing the changes in my body and in my energy.  Then only after like ten minutes of being outside, my daughter starts to cry.  I figured she was tackled by her brother, or had snow in her boots etc.  But she is crying that her "pee parts" hurt.  GREAT!  I try to distract her, we keep playing, but she is not getting better.  


Inside we go, unbundle, and she is now SCREAMING!  This goes on for a good thirty minutes.  I finally get her to calm down, thanks to Dora the Explorer.  Give her some ibuprofen and her antibiotics, get her to eat some yogurt, and then within the hour she feels better.  But then I can't help but freak out for the rest of the night.  My nice relaxing evening turns into me obsessing about middle of the night seizures in a snow storm.  


This morning she is fine, all is well, but I feel like I am still "coming down" from the stress and anxiety.  This is when I want to eat. And eat. And eat.  But I haven't.  I shoveled the driveway and the walks, I had my oatmeal, and have been blogging away.  I am processing all of this.  Working on my anxiety and my reactions to it.


The one constant that most people know about recovery groups is the Serenity Prayer.  This prayer has been most helpful to me in regards to my anxiety, more so than with my food addiction.  As I shoveled away all of the snow this morning, I sang it over and over in my head.  

I will never stop worrying about my kids.  I will always want to do everything I can to keep them safe.  But I need to keep living and not miss out on life.  I can only focus on the things that I can control and continue to give the rest to God! 

 Amen