Part of living in the haze of food addiction is just settling for the life you have created around you, believing that you don't deserve more or better. My adult days, up until starting this journey, have honestly just been about going through the motions. Being numb, anxious, irritable, and not even thinking that it could be better. All I wanted in life was to take care of my kids. To be there for them. I have been here, but have not been my best self and have not been as good to them as I could have been. That is changing. I know it is. But on my "blah" days, I just get upset about how much more I could have done. I cannot live in the past and need to keep moving... But then I stress about the future. I need to master this living in the NOW thing!
Lately as the haze is lifting and I am feeling better about my life in general, I realize just how unfulfilled I am at times. I know that I am getting better. I am being a better mother. There is much less TV and much more mommy time. I am able to better manage my time so that I do not feel like I need to be doing 500 other things than what my kids need and want me to do. But I have also been worried lately about what ELSE I can do with my life. I am grateful to have this time to work on me and to be home with my kids, BUT I need to know what else I am going to be able to do when my daughter starts school. I would love to just blog and write and help other people start their own journey, but that doesn't pay the bills!
I have a degree.... a four year degree from a good school and an accredited social work program. But it means very little. Much less than I thought it would mean. The reason that I am a stay at home mom is that it is not worth working and paying for day care to bring home very little money. It is incredibly frustrating to continue to pay over $200 for my school loan every single month (for what feels like the rest of my life) when I can't even use my education!
Some days I struggle with that part of my life more than others. There are babysitting days when I am pulling my hair out, getting paid shit money to take care of other peoples needy kids, that I dream about running away. Running away to a place that I am only a career woman, living alone, waking up without taking care of the needs of pets and small children before my own. I know that is selfish! I know that if I honestly think about life without my family I am sad. I know that I am not meant to be some career driven, high class woman who knows exactly what she wants out of life. But some times I feel like I just want to know what I am going to be when I grow up!
Ahh Megan - couldn't have said it better myself. I too am annoyed at the fact that I stil pay for a school loan on a degree that not only do I not use anymore, but on a license that has expired and I now have to pay MORE money to reactivate! It's so frustrating. So I feel your pain! I actually just got a very small part time job in the evenings just to help save my sanity. :) Hang in there! I love reading your blogs!! :) You are an inspiration! Love ya.
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