Danny's Hoagies, Bethel Bakery, and Sarris Candy! Unless you live in the South Hills of Pittsburgh, those things mean nothing to you. But to a food addict who grew up there, combined with family "coming home" for the holidays, those things are inevitable temptations. The thought of those foods used to provoke joy and anticipation. Each bite made me truly happy! But I can honestly say that I hated the feeling that I had about those foods.
There was an anxiety involved with ordering the hoagies... worrying that there wouldn't be enough. I would think how could I "accidentally" order extra and be able to eat it all alone later in the day or overnight! I would desperately want to be the first to open the Sarris Candy, so that I could be guaranteed to have the good pieces. I would be fighting the rest of my family for the piece of Bethel Bakery cake that had the most of the icing!
I knew that I did these things, and I knew that I didn't really like the way I felt in the process, but the feeling after eating made up for that. I also knew deep down that it was not normal to be worried and consumed with thoughts of food. This year was different.
I wish I could take the credit. I wish I could say that it was ONLY because of the hard work I have put into trying to recover from this disease. I wish I could say that I didn't want some of the unhealthy binge foods of my past... But I can't. I did want them. There was a little bit of longing for the old feelings. BUT, I got the stomach flu in the beginning of the week! Looking back on this week, this flu was a bit of a gift. (For me at least, the countless other family members that also caught the bug, may disagree!)
I did NOT want to eat anything because I didn't feel well. I have learned to look at food as something that my body needs to be healthy. Not something my mind needs to make me feel better. However, there was a definite difference this year in my thought process. In the past, two days after a stomach bug, I would have ate the hoagie in a few mindless minutes and would have faced the consequences later. This year, I was at peace with it! I didn't include myself in the order of 7 whole sandwiches. I didn't eat any of the leftovers! I didn't WANT to! I was ok. I was not anxious and mad and sad and a million other emotions. I was at peace again! Woo Hoo!
Remember this is one YEAR to a healthier you. There will be bad days and bad weeks. Hang in there. There are more good days and good weeks to come. On the other hand its ONE year. Don't think about doing this forever. "This" will feel different at the end of one year. Keep pushing through and let me know what I can do.
ReplyDeletemer+