When It Rains It Pours

I feel like my life has always had a "kick me when I'm down" theme.  I often wonder if it is just me that feels this way?  Obviously not, or there wouldn't be sayings like "kick me when I'm down" and "when it rains, it pours."  I am wondering recently if it is an 'addict' thing?  Like are we just more sensitive to it because of a lack of coping mechanism outside of our addiction?  Same thing with the "woe is me" reaction that I get when things go wrong?  I don't know if it is addict thing, a learned behavior, or if it is just who I am, but I am trying to change that.  I have been reminded again this week, that I don't have to change it.  I just have to make the right decisions and God will do the rest.

I had a bad week as far as stupid food.  Well, not so much a bad week, but a bad few hours.  I had a crazy busy few hours this past week. My daughter was throwing a temper tantrum about wanting candy while I was running around like an asshole trying to get stuff done and out the door.  So I grabbed her candy and took it with us.  Before I even knew what was happening I had eaten a mini Kit Kat and mini Reese's cup!  WHAT THE F?!?   I survived HALLOWEEN without even licking my fingers!!!!  But one week of letting my guard down and not working on my recovery and I do that???

So I beat myself up about it, I get pissed off, I tell myself I won't do it again.  Then two hours later, I go through the drive thru at Wendy's and get the a chicken sandwich AND fries AND a Diet Coke!  UGH!!!  So I eat it, telling myself I already ate the candy, I hadn't eaten lunch, so it was OK!  After every last salty delicious fry was gone, I knew that I had messed up.  But I stopped.  I prayed.  I knew that this moment could be just that, a moment that I "slipped."  That I made a mistake.  That it didn't have to mean total relapse.

I vowed to get on the computer and e-mail my sponsor the MINUTE I got in the door.  I have not needed to do that YET; to check in with a fellow addict after a slip!!!  So I get in the door, sign on immediately, and as I open my e-mail, there was already an e-mail from my sponsor.  She sent it TWO minutes before I logged on!  I was like WOW, God is in control, he had her thinking about me right when I needed it.  I opened the e-mail with so much anticipation, like it was going to tell me I won the lottery or something!  Then my stomach sank... One sentence, saying sorry, I've decided to leave the program to start a different journey...  awesome.  Bring on the woe is me...  kick me when I'm down... when it rains it pours!

So I spent the next few hours pissed off.  I told my hubby that I was going to quit too.  I was done!  So I left my family to their dinner and went up stairs to my bed to wallow in my misery and play mindless computer games until I fell asleep.  I turned on the laptop, looked at the time, and it hit me that an on-line meeting was starting in one minute!

So I logged in to my first meeting in a week, shared my day almost immediately and felt so much love and support.  I knew in that moment that I couldn't give up.  That I was not as alone as I felt!  Then, I had someone reach out to me and offer to pick up sponsoring me where I was.  I felt humbled.  Why did I doubt so much?  My bad day of big slips turned into yet another fresh start!  Slowly but surely I am working on being more positive and learning to roll with the punches!  So for now, I am picking myself up, putting on my rain gear, and splashing in the puddles!