Lazy Blogger

I am getting blog lazy!  I want to blog more!!  But I am kind of at a place in my recovery that is hard to process and put into words.  It is a part that involves picking myself apart and trying to figure out why I feel and act the way I do.  Looking back at all the areas of my life that have had a big enough impact to shape how I view myself and the world.  Trying to discover why I feel the need to bury those feelings under serving and serving of unhealthy food!

Doing this while abstaining from overeating is hard to do.  It is the only way to get deep and bring any old feelings back up. Because under the food haze of overeating you don't think about any of the reasons you are eating.  But it is really hard to not go back to the old coping mechanisms and to not hide from any of it again.  Temptations are back and harder to resist.  My ego has been telling me that I don't really  have a problem and I don't need to go through all this.  Thankfully, I have not clouded my thinking with food, so I am able to snap out of it fairly quickly when that happens.  But, I have had a constant battle in my head for the past few weeks.  And the only way to get through it, is to keep on pushing and learning and moving on!

I am learning about my own personality flaws.  About the negative behaviors I have learned and how they keep me from being the best me I can be.  My need to make everyone happy.  My desire to rescue and save anyone but myself.  I hate confrontation.  I have to be "right".  I don't take responsibility for some of my feelings.  For example, NO ONE can MAKE me feel anything.  "SHE made me feel stupid."  Or "HE made me want to eat."  Those are MY reactions... and if I can stay aware of them, I can change them, and not dwell, and hide, and eat, and snowball into depression. 

So that is my update about where I am right now.  Its not a bad place to be, but it has been a tough place to be. I am learning more and more not to focus on the weight loss.  I am learning that it can ONLY about being free from the desire to overeat.  It is still hard to not let my mind and my ego take control when I get discouraged with my body.  Some days are better than others.  I have had days when I have eaten more than I should, or some foods that I should not eat.  BUT they have still not resulted in a backslide... which for ME means that I am DEFINITELY making progress.  One of the best things I have learned recently is that this process is about progress not perfection!!!!