Tales of Flying Cheeseburgers and Gravy

Why am I an angry person?  Why does this psycho live down deep inside me?  I can be fine for days!  Weeks now that I have been on this journey.  Then something stressful and annoying happens and I flip the BEEP out!  I know that I have been doing it for as long as I can remember.  As a little girl at my sisters.  I remember getting in trouble for it. As a teenager at my mother. I once ripped a cheeseburger in half, screamed and threw it in her face.  I have thrown chairs at walls and broken door jams during teenage fights with my parents.  I bit my baby sister once.  When I say that, it sounds like I was little and bit my sister... no big deal.  But she was like 7 which made me 14!  She was in front of me on the floor and was bugging me.  I bit her shoulder...  HARD!!!  In college a threw a pot of gravy at my best friend because she was chewing loudly to intentionally piss me off! These are a few glimpses into the psycho me world that I am referring to.

I was told I was crazy, emotionally unstable, by the people I love.  But doctors told me I was fine.  I know it is not "normal."  As I write this, I feel the shame I have felt with each of those incidences.  Like this anger is a deep dark secret.  I want to delete this and stop writing. Each time I react with this kind of anger, I HATE MYSELF.  It has definitely contributed to my low-self esteem.  I immediately wish I could take back what had just happened.  In the past, it has made me feel suicidal for brief moments, only because I didn't want to even face myself and didn't know how to stop the anger.  I am embarrassed, humiliated, I feel STUPID and don't like any part of "that" me!

I do NOT hurt my children, I do NOT beat my husband, I am NO longer suicidal about my anger, I've been over that for years!  I lose my patience, I yell and scream, I say things I don't mean, but I am not at a point that I am afraid of my anger.  It just frustrates me now because I don't want to have it in me anymore.  I also want to know WHY it is there at all.  I did not have a screwed up abusive childhood to make me have this resentment and anger. I was given all that I could have asked for and more.  SO... WHY???   That is one thing that I am trying to resolve so that I can be free of this addiction.

Last night, I was ANGRY.  I don't really know why?  Money, bills, stress, normal life...  but I had LITTLE patience.  I can feel it starting to boil.  I feel my jaw clench, my anxiety rise, tightness in my chest.  I try to walk away.  To calm down.  To not be frustrated.  But as soon as the process starts, it is HARD to stop sometimes.  Before I know it, one bickering moment between my children results in me screaming and yelling and slamming things.  Last night, I slammed a door and a picture frame fell off the wall and broke.  The irony was what set me off was my son was being destructive to our house again.  Way to lead by example!!!  UGH!

As soon as I am alone, I can calm myself down...  It use to be with food.  Now I have to stop and pray and gather myself.  The problem is, it comes back so quickly, and I don't usually get my time alone when I need it.  I am just irritable for the next 24 hours or so after one of my freak outs! This morning I am having an anger hang-over.  Still feeling angry at myself for having those reactions.  My kids don't care or notice.  They greeted me with hugs and kisses and demands for cereal and juice.  All my husband has to do is look at me and I start crying.  I was feeling the shame build, so I thought, why not write about it and tell the world?  I need to quit burying these feelings after they happen.  That is the best I can do for today.  Hope no one tries to have me committed :)