My Aching Back

Oh  my goodness...  My blog work has gotten worse.  I am having a hard time right now.  I am working on being more positive.  I want to be a glass half full kind of person.  I use to be!  Its who I strive to be again!!  For a long time I was living a glass half empty kind of life and didn't even know it.  People started to point it out to me.  Its kind of like being fat and the denial that comes with it as well. In my head, I was only a little overweight and a happy, positive person...  The rest of the world saw a very heavy person with a negative attitude.

My biggest problem is being negative with the self talk in my head.  I have talked about it before, but I am SO MEAN to myself.  It is a habit that I developed as a teenager.  Beating myself up for not being good enough.  Telling myself that I can't be better.  That I don't deserve better.  I hate that this started in me then and that I never got a handle on it as I became an adult and a mother in my early twenties.

The truth is that is why I am having a hard time blogging and doing the work I need to be doing for my recovery.  Digging deep and finding out when and why I started to treat myself this way is a painful process. It is not something that I can fix quickly.  But I am working hard to be kind to myself.  I am always teaching my children to be kind to others, but I am missing the key element of kindness.  That it has to start within yourself first.  My children see me hating myself.  Even if most of the hate happens in my head, it is evident on the outside as well.

The thing is, every time I say to myself, I am going to be better, to do better, something else happens to make that harder.  This week I haven't written because I hurt my back.  I have been in a very grumpy mood about it.  I was in A LOT of pain all last week.  I refused to go to the doctor for the first few days.  The negative self talk during that time was taking a toll on me.   I didn't want to hear from the doctor that b/c of my weight, my pain was worse.  I just kept calling myself an asshole because I tripped over a basket that I put at my own feet and forgot about it.  Beating myself up for the way I got hurt, DID NOT help me at all.  Doing TOO much and not taking the time to rest and recover DID NOT help!

The way that I have reacted to this injury is just a small example of how I treat myself everyday.  Not taking time to do the things I NEED to do to take care of myself.  Beating myself up for mistakes I have made.  Feeling lonely and like a burden because I have to depend on other people to help me sometimes.  This was ALL magnified this week with hurting my back.

On Friday, I realized that this pattern of treating myself like this was NOT going to help me get better.  I decided to get to the doctor and get help.  Well the doctor was nice to me.  Didn't say one word about my weight.  Gave me the Medication I need to heal and sent me home to rest.  My little sister came up and helped me with the kids and my house.  My husband has been great to me, waiting on me and not letting me do too much.  He even stopped and got flowers and a balloon for the kids to give me to cheer me up!

I am spending another day in my bed today recovering.  But for three days I suffered because I was not willing to be kind to myself and take care of myself.  I was filled with anger and resentment and didn't want to move on.  Now that I have taken care of myself, I feel SO much better.  I need to remember this as I continue on with this journey.  I do not need to suffer alone. I need to be kind to myself and stop beating myself up especially about things that I cannot control.