This weekend was really hard for me. I don't know why it is harder right now as far as eating. I want to eat. Even if it is healthy food, I just want to eat. When I know that I can't, I get emotional. When I started this in September and quit all the "bad stuff" cold turkey, I didn't get upset like this. I didn't grieve the food like I am now.
After this last few weeks, it has been emotional for me to start over. My anxiety and depression are in overdrive. I think I still want it all to make "sense." I want it to just be easier. Why can something as stupid and trivial as a food decision, send me on a tailspin into anger and sadness!?! I was super irritable and quick tempered all weekend. Its like I held myself together all week when I had to, and then when hubby was home to help with the kids, I lost it.
Friday evening, I got upset because I wanted to eat something other than my planned healthy meal. I couldn't even eat with my family. I ate by myself and then retreated to my bedroom. I fell asleep at 7:30 and woke up twelve hours later. I never even stirred. I didn't even know what time it was when I woke up. My husband even slept in the guest room b/c I was sprawled out over our bed and was "passed out" as he put it. He knew I needed the sleep and didn't want to disturb me.
As the weekend went on, I got a little better. But I still felt sad and overwhelmed. I know that it is because I am not working the Recovery Program with the same commitment and intensity as I was in September. I am in the real "work" part of the steps still. Going back into uncomfortable parts of my past and who I am. Trying to heal the old pain that I have tried to cover with food. Figuring out what all of that is can be very overwhelming. Thus, the one day at a time mentality that is needed to succeed in any recovery program.
Sorry if this blog is all over the place. I have been scatterbrained lately too! In fact, that might have to be my next blog topic! So, for today, I am going to focus on my recovery. I am leaving now to take the dog for a walk in the sunshine and then I am going to get to a meeting! I am going to continue this journey one day at a time... But today is going to be a good day!
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Courage
Hello all! I am still struggling with this whole blogging thing, and it is a reflection of how I am doing with this whole journey. I have reached a place of half-assed-ness. That is my new word. Anyways... I still have all of the intentions to continue this Journey. I am still mindful about what I have been putting in my body. I have been trying to exercise. BUT I HAVE BEEN CHEATING! With all of it! I am making excuses! I still have not gained any weight, so then I justify it. "See, I'll be able to maintain this weight loss!" Um, HELLO... I don't WANT to maintain a weight of 262!!! I can't keep staying in this maintaining place. I must move forward!!!
So, Onward I go. I feel like a broken record with these last few blogs! I need to get my ass back in gear! I need to WORK my recovery again. I am once again in a place with no sponsor. I don't really understand why God keeps testing me this way. I feel like I am making progress, trusting someone... Moving on with my work, and then it just stops. But I am not alone. I just need to reach out, particularly within my recovery program.
I am longing right now for a place where I don't feel so needy. When I don't feel like I am searching for what will "fix" this. I was finding that place and then I started to retreat. I don't know why. I guess the comfort of my old behaviors. But WHY? When they are so destructive and leave me mentally, physically, and spiritually drained. What the heck am I afraid of?!?! I am so sick of being afraid to live. Of letting my fears control my life.
This past Sunday, my priest was talking about fear and moving forward through that fear. He said "courage is fear that has said its prayers." So tonight, I am praying about my fears and hoping to face tomorrow with the courage it takes to move forward! No more break, no more maintaining... No more half ass effort. I need to give it my all!
So, Onward I go. I feel like a broken record with these last few blogs! I need to get my ass back in gear! I need to WORK my recovery again. I am once again in a place with no sponsor. I don't really understand why God keeps testing me this way. I feel like I am making progress, trusting someone... Moving on with my work, and then it just stops. But I am not alone. I just need to reach out, particularly within my recovery program.
I am longing right now for a place where I don't feel so needy. When I don't feel like I am searching for what will "fix" this. I was finding that place and then I started to retreat. I don't know why. I guess the comfort of my old behaviors. But WHY? When they are so destructive and leave me mentally, physically, and spiritually drained. What the heck am I afraid of?!?! I am so sick of being afraid to live. Of letting my fears control my life.
This past Sunday, my priest was talking about fear and moving forward through that fear. He said "courage is fear that has said its prayers." So tonight, I am praying about my fears and hoping to face tomorrow with the courage it takes to move forward! No more break, no more maintaining... No more half ass effort. I need to give it my all!
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
FALLING
Hi my name is Megan, and I am a compulsive overeater. That simple sentence is very important. Those words could save my life. Those words have significantly changed my life over the last few months. I have chosen to ignore the impact of those words during the last two weeks. I had survived many challenging situations until this point. I was able to resist certain foods and constant eating. I stopped grazing all day long. I stopped having cravings for the sugary foods that have controlled my thoughts for years. Then I fell and hurt my back. Then I got mad.
I lost control over my everyday world and little life around me. I was not able to care for my family because I was in bed in pain. I was not able to maintain the daily routine that has become my lifeline. I was not able to shop and cook and do the things that I have been doing to take care of myself and my recovery during these past few months. I was put on medications with the little red label which read "take with FOOD." I mean, if the doctor and pharmacy are telling me that I HAVE to eat every two hours, its free pass right?
I didn't make the worst food choices during my week of laying in bed and eating. BUT I could have done things differently. I stopped doing my meetings, my blogging, my reading, my working on me. I could have used all of that down time to further my recovery. Instead I took a break.
I can't, and I'm not, beating myself up for this break. I am ok, with the time that was my physical recovery. It is the past 5 days that I am beating myself up for. When I started to feel better physically, I didn't get back into my routine. I ate BAD foods. I still haven't done meetings regularly. I stopped my daily readings. I gained a few pounds. My cravings and constant thoughts about food are BACK!
The important part is that I am acknowledging my "fall." I am picking myself up, and I am going to allow myself to heal... Just like I had to do with my back. I feel like I am back to square one. But I'm not. I am armed with experience and so much more insight into this disease than I was in late September when I started this journey. I know what I need to do.... Now I just have to do it!
I lost control over my everyday world and little life around me. I was not able to care for my family because I was in bed in pain. I was not able to maintain the daily routine that has become my lifeline. I was not able to shop and cook and do the things that I have been doing to take care of myself and my recovery during these past few months. I was put on medications with the little red label which read "take with FOOD." I mean, if the doctor and pharmacy are telling me that I HAVE to eat every two hours, its free pass right?
I didn't make the worst food choices during my week of laying in bed and eating. BUT I could have done things differently. I stopped doing my meetings, my blogging, my reading, my working on me. I could have used all of that down time to further my recovery. Instead I took a break.
I can't, and I'm not, beating myself up for this break. I am ok, with the time that was my physical recovery. It is the past 5 days that I am beating myself up for. When I started to feel better physically, I didn't get back into my routine. I ate BAD foods. I still haven't done meetings regularly. I stopped my daily readings. I gained a few pounds. My cravings and constant thoughts about food are BACK!
The important part is that I am acknowledging my "fall." I am picking myself up, and I am going to allow myself to heal... Just like I had to do with my back. I feel like I am back to square one. But I'm not. I am armed with experience and so much more insight into this disease than I was in late September when I started this journey. I know what I need to do.... Now I just have to do it!
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