Family Portraits

I was thrown into motherhood in my early 20's. When my son was born, I was in the middle of my most unhealthy eating behavior of my life!  I'm not sure what exactly caused this period of binging and subsequent self loathing.  Maybe it was the stress and the pressure that I went through from Decmber 2001 - December 2002.  During those twelve months, I graduated college, dealt with the death of an uncle that had been a big part of my life at the time. I got pregnant four months before my wedding, got my first "real" job as a mental health social worker, got married, finally moved into our first place, and started to have the freedom and responsibility of an adult! 

Many of those things were big happy times for me and others were sad and/or stressful!  Either way, I coped with all of it by eating. By stuffing my face with as much unhealthy food as possible!  I was so happy to finally be married to the man of my dreams and to be starting a family, but my addiction to food was destroying me and making me doubt whether or not I deserved this kind of happiness.  I had periods of deep depression off and on.  I put on the happy face that I was supposed to have as a new bride and mom, but inside I hated myself. I felt like I was faking it, which made me hate myself more!

Some time in the following year, I knew I needed to make changes.  That is when my real journey to a healthier me started.  Although I did not successfully lose weight and keep it off, I was working on healing myself, on loving myself.  I had many ups and downs, but I did not recognize that my overeating was an addiction and therefore was not able to really be healthy.  Eight years later, all the work I have done is finally coming together and is working!

Each December for the past eight years, I have longed for a Family Portrait.  I wanted to capture this "perfect family" that we have made.  Each year however, I stress about it and then put it off until "next year" when I will finally love myself and like who see in that picture! Part of this year's journey, is about loving my perectly imperfect family and loving myself as I am right now. About taking care of the moments and making memories that I am proud of.  So when the family picture idea came into my head last week, I had the same annual debate with myself.


The outcome of that debate was different this year.  I want to love me now.  I will never get this Christmas back.  I will never have my kids at these exact ages again.  So I made my appointment and we went to the mall for our cheesy family pictures.  It was NOT without anxiety and reservations.  I was a big stress ball about it.  But after I saw us together and each of our personalities shining out of those pictures, I was SO glad that I loved myself enough to capture this time in our lives!

The goodness of loving, The gladness of living; These are Christmas too!

Well I made it!  I made it through Thanksgiving and did not overeat!  Don't get me wrong, I didn't under-eat either.  I had a few things that I haven't had in a while, but I avoided trigger foods.  For the first time in my life, I didn't want to throw up after eating a Thanksgiving dinner!  AND...  I still have not had any dessert foods! There was more evil cake, pumpkin rolls, and many more goodies in front of my face, but NOT in my mouth! 

Ok, now that I got that update out there :)  I have had something on my mind lately as I am learning how to live in the peaceful place.  Why do we feel like we have to earn some down time to enjoy life? Why is there always guilt about just resting and really enjoying our lives?  Why do we have to wait for a holiday weekend like Thanksgiving, to totally relax... to appreciate friends and family... to celebrate all that we have to be thankful for?!? 

I spent black Friday keeping my annual tradition of shopping, having lunch, and just being silly and having a great time with my aunt, cousin and sister.  As kids we always listened to a Sesame Street Christmas tape.  Well this year my cousin put it onto a CD and we listened to it as we drove around.  We Listened to it together for the first time since we were little, but we still knew every word!

The last song on the CD is "Keep Christmas with You."
As we sat in my car after a long day of shopping and enjoying
our day together, we sang the following lyrics
while we cried and laughed! 

"Christmas means the spirit of giving
Peace and joy to you,
The goodness of loving,
The gladness of living;
These are Christmas too.

So, keep Christmas with you
All through the year,
When Christmas is over,
Save some Christmas cheer.
These precious moments,
Hold them very dear
And keep Christmas with you
All through the year."

So as Thanksgiving ends and we continue on with my favorite time of year, I am going to try to live true to these lyrics.  I am going to try to savor every moment with my kids. They both have December birthdays and will be turning 4 and 8 this month.  What magical ages for Christmas?!?  And after these next few weeks fly by, I am going to try to keep this spirit with me as I continue on this journey to a healthier me!

Prayers of Thanksgiving

Whoever you see God to be, a spiritual connectedness to the universe is one of the most essential parts of each human being.  We all seek this reassurance in life; that we are part of something bigger than ourselves.  At least one time in our lives, we have all felt so small in the scheme of this great universe.  We are all, in some way, on a constant journey to figure out why God brought us here and what he wants us to do with our lives.  The only way to know Gods plan and purpose is to stay spiritually connected.

Personally, I have always been a spiritual person.  However, as the years go by and life gets crazier, my relationship with God has not always been my priority.  I pray in times of need.  I pray in times of despair. I pray in  times of great joy, like with the birth of each of my children!  But I have not been very good at praying during the regular happy times, or even the "normal" every day times in my life.



The best way to stay spiritually connected is to pray and or meditate. To be aware of our soul. To stay connected to our Higher Power and source of all life.  During these last 59 days, I have been learning to do this again.  As a young child I can remember never feeling alone.  Like God was always there, holding me, guiding me, and showing me the way.  I long to feel that constant child-like connectedness again.


I am going to try to achieve that by being thankful everyday!  I am going to be thankful even in times of need.  Even when I don't want to be thankful.  I have so much to be thankful for in my life as it is now, but I am constantly seeking something else to fill that spiritual void.  I am always worried about what else I want, instead of being grateful for all that I have!


So on this day before Thanksgiving, I give thanks to God for all of the good in my life.  For the courage to take this journey.  For two great big extended families full of love.  For health; my own and for all of my loved ones. For a few really true friends in this world that I KNOW will be there no matter what.

For my home, this roof over our heads, warm beds and good healthy food on our table.  For my two BEAUTIFUL kids and every moment that I have had with them (even the really stressful ones)!  For my AMAZING husband, he is my world and my rock.

                                      

For faith.  For hope.  For love.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

Headwind

My husband has many passions, many goals, many loves in life.  It is one of the things that I love most about him.  Most of his dreams have been put on hold because of the time and money that is spent on family instead.  He is a great husband and father, and loves every minute, but he never stops dreaming of his other goals.  He never complains, he just keeps learning as much as he can about these aspirations.  Some are phases that come and go, some are true life-long passions. His first love, and his biggest dream of all, is to fly.

My father-in-law is a pilot and my husband would have his license already too if it didn't involve the money and time commitment.  So whenever he gets the opportunity to fly with his dad, he goes!!! I get nervous when he climbs up into that plane!

One of the many things that baffles me about flying in their little plane, is that some days it can take only minutes to get somewhere, but twice as long to get home. They face the opposing force of the wind, known as headwind, and that little engine has to work a lot harder to get to their intended destination. 

In my own life, I often feel like doing the right thing involves facing a headwind.  Why are the things that are good for us so much harder to do?  Why is it easier to do the things that are unhealthy for our bodies? Every time that I get into the thick of one of my weight loss attempts, I feel like I am up against some sort of opposing force.  Things seem to happen that I can't explain. Things that hold me back or knock me down.  I'm convinced it happens to me more than most people, but I am sure that is not the case, and it is just life! But when I feel like nothing is going "my way," its hard to believe that everyone experiences this type of thing.

This past weekend, I had some rare time alone.  My husband was gone and my kids were having a big sleepover party with my sister-in-law.  On Saturday morning, I didn't know what to do with myself.  I had so many things that I wanted to do with my alone time, I wasn't sure where to start.  So I took a long walk with the dog first.  I got some good exercise, cleared my head, and was feeling great. I decided to suck it up and go to a big international event that my recovery program was putting on that day.

I get nervous about driving somewhere I have never been.  I get nervous about just being somewhere I have never been, especially with so many poeple that I have never met!  However, I took my time getting ready and I let my nerves and anxieties about the day go. I was feeling confident, and good about myself, and proud of myself for making the effort to go.  I got in my new car, (which makes me happy). I organized the CDs I chose for my drive, (music also makes me very happy).  I turn the key in the ignition and NOTHING, (this does not make me happy)!  This is when the headwind starts to hold me back.

So I tell myself its ok, you just need to get someone to help you jump the battery. I left myself extra time, I would still get there!  I go out front because all morning long there were dozens of guys across the street practicing for football. Surely one of these men would drive around back and rescue me! However, now there is not one car left.  They were all there 10 minutes before!

None of my neighbors were home, it was like a freakin ghost town.  I make a few calls, no one is there when I actually need them!!!  I bend over backwards for the freakin world, and when I face a little headwind, there is no one to give me a little push!  I wish I could be more like my husband, and just keep going.  Headwind or not, he doesn't get overwhelmed or angry that things hold him back. He takes the extra time to enjoy the view and just be grateful for the ride.

So long story short, I missed my meeting. I missed the opportunity to be in the same place as so many other food addicts that actually understand what it feels like to be me!  I was bummed at first, but then I just had to come to terms that it wasn't meant to be that day.  After a few hours, my neighbor came home and helped me so that I wasn't stuck all weekend.  I didn't feel very productive afterward.  I did a little Christmas shopping, stopped at the grocery store for a healthy meal, then the liquor store for some red wine :) I had a really relaxing night alone instead. Then I slept for 10 hours straight!   Maybe God knew that my little engine needed to take a break from fighting the headwind.

NUMBERS

I hate numbers!  Its a fact! If you want to see me have an anxiety attack, start spitting numbers out at me and you are sure to get one!  I cannot figure out exactly what it is about numbers that makes me crazy, but I hate them. (Did I mention that?)  I swear I am stuck at a second grade level.  Give me a paper to write and I can write 1000 pages, but ask me to do some division and I will end up in tears! I am not kidding.  My seven year old is in second grade now, and I know he is going to pass my skill level in mathematics very, very soon!

I think it goes back to Sister Mary Ruth.  I'm not sure if I have blogged about her yet, but I would be surprised if I made it this far without her coming up!  I personally believe that she is the reason that I have any issues at all!  I blame all of my problems on my second grade teacher... the nun from hell.  I know she will come up again, so I won't share all the details now, but she should not have been allowed to be a teacher!  She was stuck decades before when fear and shame were accepted means of educating a child.  A few weeks into the school year, I started breaking out in hives so badly that I was not able to go to school some mornings.  I feared and hated that woman.  She was a bully.  She was also the one who taught me math that year.  Thus the reason I blame her for my hatred of all numbers!

So how does this relate to my weight loss journey?  It all comes down to the stupid scale.  I know that this year to a better me is not just about me losing weight.  It is about recovering from food addiction.  The result of which should be significant weight loss! However, I can't worry about a number, a goal weight, or even the weekly number on the scale.  But I desperately want to know that all of this work is paying off!

My body feels different already and shouldn't that be enough?  I say it is, but when I get on that scale and don't see the number I want to see, I get pissed!  It makes me want to give up.  When I know that I busted my ass for a whole week and on Monday morning the number is the exact same as it was seven days ago, I'm instantly tempted to get in the car and head to the closest drive-thru that can give me greasy double cheeseburger!  I hate numbers!!!

If any of you have ever lost significant weight, you know that some days you honestly feel lighter.  You just know that your efforts are working.  Monday's number made me so mad, but by yesterday I was having that light feeling.  I swore that I would not get back on the scale this week, but this morning when I woke up I gave into the temptation...  I was 5 pounds lighter than the last time!  REALLY?  in three days?  So I don't know if something was up with the scale Monday, or if I ate too much salt last weekend and was bloated... who knows, and really I should say who cares!

But the simple fact is that I do care!  I am not a patient person, so for today that is my prayer.  That I am able to be patient with this process.  That I am able to let go of the hold that those 3 little numbers on the scale have over me.  That I can continue to heal my soul and concentrate on things like my new energy level, an ease in my joint pain, my clothes being a little looser, and being able to spend more time loving my kids instead of spending that time hating myself!  Stupid numbers!

Change

After my recent post, I had a bit of a light bulb moment regarding my "fear" of attracting needy people.  After I put those ideas out there into the world wide web, I got some mixed feed back.  But what stood out, was that it is ok to say no.  It is ok to tell people that I am not available.  It is ok to set some boundaries.  By doing this, I will find the people that respect me and will be there with me though this journey.

While going to school for my social work degree, I learned that it is important to take care of yourself first before you can really take care of other people.  I knew that logically and it made sense, but it was something that was a lot easier said than done.  I felt a sense of obligation to take care of certain family members, friends and clients.  The funny thing is, I thought that it really mattered to them that I was the person that would rescue them in any situation.  And, you know what, if I am not the one to do it, they will live.  I set up those relationships that way... not them!

Another thing that I thought I could do was save the world.  When I first graduated and entered the real world as a bleeding heart social worker, I truly believed that I needed to save everyone. My belief about us as a community of human beings needing to help each other, still stands.  Someday I truly hope to do something great that will change peoples lives, but I no longer feel obligated. Sunday morning as I sat in my pew next to my son, and prayed for guidance about this, the priest stood up and started to preach about this topic!  I was floored!  His exact words at the end of his sermon were, "you can't save the world if you don't save yourself first!"

Also that day in my recovery readings, I learned about not being able to change people.  I do not have the power or the authority to change who people are.  When I go into rescue/saving mode, I impose my ideas about what I think people should do onto them. I expect them to take my advice and make the changes that I think they need to make!  That is not realistic or fair.  All I can do is continue to put love in my heart and hope they see that.  People will not be who I think they should be. I can offer a listening ear or a few kind words, but it is up to them what they do with it.  They will come to terms with what is best for them in God's time, not mine.

One other light bulb moment relating to this topic...  I always felt betrayed and let down by people. I felt that I was always willing to drop whatever I was doing when someone needed me.  But when I needed something, I felt like those people weren't there for me.  Maybe some of them were, but just because they didn't react the way I wanted them to, doesn't mean that they didn't try. Also, maybe they had already learned these lessons about saying no and setting boundaries.  Or maybe they really did suck and weren't there for me when I needed me. I can't change any of those things, and I can not turn that into a "woe is me" situation.

I can't change people. I can't change peoples reactions. I can't change peoples opinions. I can't make the world into what I personally think it should be.  This can't make me angry and resentful and negative.  I am not responsible for anyone but myself and my own choices.  I just need to live life with love and by my own convictions. If that leads to change then that is awesome. If it doesn't, that's ok too!

Stretched Too Thin

Today is a beautiful day.  I am really looking forward to a good weekend with my little family. I have been a bit lazy about blogging; crazy busy week again.  My daughter thinks that getting up at 5:30 is a reasonable time to start her day…  I prefer much closer to 8:00.  This is taking some major adjustments for me.  I was hoping it was a phase, but it’s been about a month of this. 

I babysat all week again, except for Thursday, which I spent at a funeral for my great aunt.  It was really nice to see some out of town family that I never get to visit with.  Makes me wish we were all closer.  It was another day of struggling with the temptations of family gatherings.  I faced my 3^rd Bethel Bakery cake since I started this, and for the third time, didn’t even have a bite! 

So my current struggle:  I hesitated for the past few weeks to really reach out to other food addicts on a face to face level.   I finally sucked it up and participated.  There were definitely benefits of the real life human interaction vs the world wide web.  I am glad that I did it, but I am struggling with one factor.  I don’t want to feel obligated or responsible to anyone else right now.  I know that sounds really bitchy!!!!!  But I feel like I am already pulled in 500 different directions as a wife, mother, babysitter, sister, daughter, caretaker and friend. 

I understand that a huge part of addiction recovery is being part of the recovering community. I also know that addiction is a disease of isolation.  I have major social anxiety issues, so is this negativity just another excuse to avoid those situations?  I mean you can never have too many friends or too much support… right?

As I have mentioned before I am a social worker and caretaker to the core of who I am.  Sometimes it is to a fault.  I hear anyone in need of help and I want to drop everything and give them my all.  But I don’t have very much to give right now.  I’m about to say something that will sound very insensitive, but I don’t mean it as bad as it sounds…  in my experience addicts are needy people, and I have had my share of needy!! 

Most of my relationships (personal and professional) to this point in my life, involve taking care of people!  I have always been the “mommy” figure, even in high school and college.  Is it stupid that I am afraid of being stretched too thin by letting more people into my life?  I’ve been hurt so many times by giving my all and getting little in return.  I don’t want to do anything that will slow or prohibit my recovery, but it is really hard to put myself all the way out there and start a whole new group of friends that I feel responsible for!  I hate feeling selfish!  Ugh!

You Might Be a Food Addict If...

... you seriously consider eating fish sticks out of the trash can!  That is so disgusting!

Once upon a time I used to love a serious binge!  I had a few years in my early twenties when my eating was out of control.  I have always had "issues" with food.  Hiding food, thinking about and obsessing about food, looking forward to the times that I could eat alone.  Drive thru's after working would include TWO value meals!  I looked forward to the times my husband was on an overnight shift or working overtime.  I would go to the grocery store and get my normal binge foods. I would close the blinds, lock the door, turn on the TV and mindlessly eat SEVERAL servings of certain food.

Frozen fried appetizer type foods and snack cakes provided me with something that I can't even put into words.  I felt totally numb after those binges for a few heavenly minutes!  Then, I would feel like absolute shit.  I would be in physical pain from stuffing my body.  I was consumed with guilt and would beat myself up for hours after wards. Sometimes, I would wait for the discomfort to pass, and eat more so that the guilt was gone and then I would fall asleep. The next morning, I would wake up hating myself.  But that didn't stop me the next time I wanted to binge again!

I had about a year while I was pregnant with my son and for the few months after he was born, that this binging was a regular behavior for me.  My weight sky rocketed. At 25 I was denied life insurance!  At TWENTY FIVE no one wanted to put money on my LIFE b/c I was putting my own life at risk! That was a big wake-up call for me.  A very emotional time in my life! After that the really big binges have been few and far between.  Although I still looked forward to eating alone and had a few "reward" binges every once in a while.  I think about that time in my life and it makes me sick.  But I also see how far I have come!

Obviously, I didn't really deal with my addiction to food even though I drastically cut back on the binges.  As much as a wanted to lose weight and change, I could never succeed for more than a few weeks before the addiction took back over.  As I have mentioned the last few weeks have gotten a bit harder.  I have not had any sugar!  I have not had any unhealthy meals. I have not had anywhere near a BINGE.  BUT I have had a few very small slips.  Last night was 2 fish sticks.  I was making a very healthy salmon and spinach dinner for my husband and I, but my kids were having fish sticks.  Hubby was late again, their dinner was ready, so I started to serve them.  I debated and debated about eating just one fish stick.  I gave in to the first, and then didn't even think about the second.  The third was almost in my mouth when I snapped out of it.

One of the definitions of having a food addiction includes not being able to stop eating certain foods.  I don't even really like fish sticks, but as I mentioned, frozen versions of all things fried was my choice binge food.  So those two fish sticks took over my thoughts.  I ate my healthy dinner with my husband, was able to stop when I was full, and didn't even clear my plate.  Then my husband and son cleared the table and quickly left for an activity.  I was still restless and had an annoyed nagging feeling that I get when I want to eat more of something.  I walked past the trash can and saw the uneaten fish sticks on top.  I honestly had a thought to eat them...  OUT OF THE TRASH!  Once again, another wake up call!  This is not normal eating behavior.  This is addiction.  My addiction recovery is about progress, not perfection.  I am not perfect, but I am definitely making progress, and that is all I can ask for!

Constant State of Disorganized Chaos

Based on the past few days, my last post may have been a bit optimistic. I was planning on a better year, but since my last post, I realized my whole world is chaos.  I am learning a lot about addiction and the chaos that comes from living as an addict, particularly a food addict. It is not for lack of will power that I have not been able to gain control of my life.  I didn’t realize how deeply my addictions affected other areas of my life. I have so much guilt about what this has done to my family.  The roller coaster ride that is our lives is my fault.  Ok, not my fault, I didn’t ask for this disease, but I have it and it hurts them too.  I know that I am taking the steps to change and that we are moving in the right direction, but the “one day at a time” thing, gets really hard sometimes!

I spent most of the last few days very overwhelmed and beating myself up.  I just wanted to have a productive few days in my house, since we had a rare long weekend at home together with no plans.  As soon as I start one project though, I get so frustrated about the constant state of disorganized chaos!!!  No one else in my family cares to help me maintain any organization and structure.  No, they would help me, if it was already set up that way, but I am so inconsistent.  I feel like everything we have is broken and filthy and ruined, and it is so disappointing.  And to top it all off I feel like it is ALL my fault b/c of this fucking disease!

I also waste too much time on things that are out of my control.  When I spend my time anxious and worried about these things, I have this crazy desire to have complete control over every little thing in my life, from junk drawers to laundry.   I worry too much about making others happy and what others think of me.  I worry too much about wanting to make people see the world as I see it.  I am an oversensitive and opinionated person, and the two don’t always mix.  This was the cause for some additional stress this weekend, and what started my need to have everything in my life “put together.”

On Friday, I posted another mom’s blog on my facebook page.  I liked the blog, totally related to it, and had seen it floating around facebook for a few days before I chose to share it.  It was about a mom who let her 5 year old son dress up as a female character for Halloween. He had begged to be this character for weeks. She had no reservations about it and at the last minute her son did have fears of being made fun of.  She kept saying who would make fun of a five year old’s Halloween costume.  Well she found out her son’s worry was justified when several of the preschool MOMS did have an issue with a little boy dressed in a “girl” costume.  The whole post was about how labeling our young kids is stupid and hurtful!  Kids are kids.  She said if my son is gay when he grows up, who cares, but it certainly wouldn’t be caused by letting him wear the costume when he was 5!

Well, when I posted it, I shared about relating to her story because my 7 year old loves all things girly and it breaks my heart to see how some the adults in his life have an issue with that side of him.  I said he like princess costumes and make up one minute and wants to be a power ranger ninja spy the next.  Well, some of those adults in his life reacted badly to me posting it.  They were concerned that it would get back to my son that I posted something about him being gay on facebook!!!!  REALLY!?!  I felt judged about the quality mother that I am.  I was told that I was labeling my kids and that it is wrong.   I was sad frustrated and consumed by this for 24 hours because my point had been totally missed! 

My husband was amazing and supportive and said all the right things for 3 whole days.  He also busted his ass to help fulfill my need to have things cleaned and organized.  His nice relaxing three day weekend at home was turned into taking care of his psycho wife all weekend.  He did most of the parenting b/c I was in crazy cleaning/organizing mode and I was very short on patience (I was so mad at my children for disrespecting everything we own!!!)   He was my best friend this weekend that I so needed him to be.  He didn’t complain or get annoyed.  He reminded me how this recovery is really working in my life and that I can’t give up.  I can’t let a few things that are out of my control ruin my progress. 

By last night, I was feeling better and ready to start a new week. I had spent some time in my clean(ish) house, journaling and making sense of all of these crazy emotions.  I am still overwhelmed when I think about how to make my kids listen and respect me and our stuff.  I still want to cry when I think about maintaining this eating plan forever. But I don’t need to worry about that.  I have to keep that all in check today.  Today I need to worry about today.  I need to make a new chore/sticker chart.  I need to make the rules and expectations clear.  I need to control what I can today, and that is all!  I need to continue to take care of myself and my family the best way I know how.  I need to stand up for what I believe in and teach my kids about love and acceptance and responsibility.   And damn it, if I can do that, then I AM a good mom!

November 4th

November 4th...  my Birthday.  Each year I hate my birthday.  Its not that I mind getting older, age doesn't bother me.  In fact I look forward to the future.  In the future, I always see the me I want to be. In the future there is hope. In the future, the healthier, wiser me looks forward to birthday celebrations with excitement and anticipation, instead of with fear and regret.  For me November 4th is a marker of another year gone by without really living my life.  Another year of gaining weight instead of losing it.  Another year that I wish I would have had the courage and strength to make the changes in my life that needed to be made.  Another year that I have disappointed myself and others. Worst of all, its another tick in the time bomb of obesity related health issues.

This year is different!  Not drastically different because I am still in the regret and beating myself up stage sometimes.  However, I have started to make big changes in my life and I am already starting to experience the hope that I imagined for my future!  I have started to experience what life as a healthy person (who is not controlled by food) feels like.  I have had more energy, I have lost 25 lbs, I have reached out and asked for the help and support I need to survive this journey. 

Thirty two is going to be about hope and love. Love for myself.  That is the gift I am giving myself this year. I am going to be kind to myself.  I am going to take care of myself. I am going to work hard every day of this year to be the best me I can be.  I am so looking forward to November 4th, 2011, but I am going to get there by trying to live my life to its fullest one day at a time! 

PSYCHO MOM

I started this new journey because 38 days ago I didn’t like myself much at all.  I was mean, and grumpy, and lets face it, just plain bitchy!  I started to be that mom that yelled and yelled at her kids.  I was not fun for them to be around. I was mean to my husband as soon as he walked in the door at night.  He didn’t even do anything, just being there made me mad!!  And I know it was ALL ME!!

I had this "perfect" family and i was throwing it all away!!!   As I mentioned recently, I was not present for my family even when I was there.  I was tired all the time!!!  ALL the time!  I knew that I needed and wanted more for my life than what I was living, and I know my family wanted to get rid of psycho mom.

When I started working on myself and freeing myself from food addiction, psycho mom went away pretty quickly.  I didn’t realize how much I was yelling, and how irritable I was, until I wasn’t doing it any more.  SAD.  Even more so, I didn’t realize how I sounded and how they reacted to psycho mom until tonight.  I was so proud of myself this past weekend for working on myself and my recovery during my “break” from the kids and during my time alone time with my husband.  It felt so good and I thought I was in a great place again to take another little break from all this. 

So Monday I just relaxed with my family.  We went to a movie and then had to drive home from my parent’s house.  The drive was stressful with almost rush hour, construction, a SCREAMING 3 year old and a gigantic bag of Halloween candy riding shot gun! (STUPID candy placement on my part)  At one point I called my friend and said I may not make it home without eating a piece of candy.  She said throw it out the window if you have to or at least threaten to if the 3 year old doesn’t stop crying!  That actually worked, she stopped screaming and fell asleep.

I didn’t come home, but met my friend for our weekly dinner out.  I still ordered sensibly and was still proud of myself.  Then afterward, at like 8:30, my husband was just putting the kids to bed as I was getting home. So instead of getting them all wound up again, I went to my neighbor’s house to catch up with her for a bit.  After 4 days away from home, I came in and crawled into bed at almost 1 am!  I did no personal work on myself and this journey that day.  My last blog was about my grumpy Tuesday spent in pain and making an eating mistake!  Again, no real personal work on Tuesday!

And today, Wednesday, was a SUPER busy day of babysitting.  Throughout the day I was taking care 6 little girls ages 4,3,3,2,2,&1!  Oh, and the two year olds are potty training!  It was not a bad day…  The kids were actually really good!  Just really busy and once again, I took NO time for myself.  What I have learned is that even though I may not get the chance to actively participate in my recovery, I can’t forget about it.  I can’t forget about the most important part!  GOD!  God is there through all of it and it is so easy for me to forget that in the midst of chaos! 

Tonight it all caught up to me and psycho mom made an appearance from about 6-8 o’clock.  My daughter just gets more crazy and misbehaves when I get like that.  She matches my psycho with her own psycho…  (fast forward 10 years and that is a whole new reason to make these changes for good!)  My son however, got sad.  He was good for the first part of my anger, but then he started crying and apologizing and ripping my heart out!!!  I held him as he fell asleep and reassured him that I don’t like this mommy either and that I am working really hard to be better for all of us!  He ended his night being silly with me and talking about life in second grade!

Then I came downstairs and for 2 hours I have been working on me!  I was really tempted to pour myself a glass of wine and curl up with one of the 11 Oprah’s I have recorded and never get the chance to watch.  Instead I put the work in, did a meeting, did some blogging, looked up some worship music, and I feel more positive than I did a few short hours ago.   Tomorrow is a new day.  A day after I have fueled up on all the good things I need to keep me going on this journey.  Tomorrow is actually my 32nd Birthday!

Now I am going to curl up on the couch and see if I can get through ten minutes of Oprah without falling asleep ;)

Slips

I can jog…  J-O-G!  Only for a few short minutes, but I haven’t been able to do that in YEARS!  So this past weekend, my husband and I took the dogs to the park and went for a great walk/jog.  It was a hard work out, I pushed myself and felt strong.  At the end of the walk we cut through some trees to get back to the car.  I stepped on a branch and somehow the way my foot slipped off the branch, something in my calf snapped. It hurt badly for like 30 seconds and then went away. 

Later that evening while trick or treating (again) with the kids, it started to feel like a huge knot in my calf.  So that has continued to hurt for the last 2 days.  Then my joints started to hurt really badly too.  This hasn’t happened in 2 months.  Then I seriously just turned my head to look at my daughter and managed to pull some muscles in my neck, shoulder and back on my left side.  While annoyed by this pain, I was trying to fix dinner for my family last night. 

I was making two whole chickens. When I bought them, I was sure I could just cut some of the breast meat off for me and use the rest of the breasts for healthy meals later in the week!  Well, my 3 year old vegetarian is throwing a temper tantrum when she finds out chicken is for dinner.  So I give in, I mean the girl has refused to eat meat for MONTHS.  While making her peanut butter “circle” sandwich, I manage to slice my finger twisting off the cap of a brand new peanut butter!  So I can’t walk, move my head and neck, or use my right hand without pain… Awesome.

So then I pull the chicken out of the oven, my husband calls to say he’s going to be late, my 3 year old is still freaking that there is even chicken on the stove, and my neck is KILLING me. Things calm down for a moment and I start to finish dinner.  Boxed stuffing that my husband and son love, and I do too, but I told myself I was strong enough not to eat it…  just like the candy.  Of which I have still had NONE by the way! 

So first I eat 2 chicken wings while standing at the counter, at least its not candy, I tell myself.  I stop my self and move on, no big deal.  Then I just take a bite of the stuffing, I had three spoonfuls before I even realized what I was doing!  I stopped, I was sick to my stomach and beating myself up for so easily going back to old habits! I was angry and frustrated and MAD!  I was very very close to eating more stuffing. To eating all the crispy chicken skin, which sounds gross to me ass I type it. 

I took a step back, I said a prayer, I got a big glass of water, and I served dinner.  I sat with my family and ate broccoli and sweet potatoes.  I wanted to eat candy all night.  I REALLY wanted it for the first time.  One slip, and a little physical pain, and I was ready to quit.  Sneaky, manipulative, screwed-up disease.  But I didn’t let it win. I made it through the night with just a cup of tea, a hot shower for the neck pain and four ibuprofen.  I hope today is a better day!